"We should duel sometime." - Joey Wheeler (Emotive's ALJ)

[Emotive]

sucks that ur pc were not up to specs and u sta up late alot ?

I know dude! It was like something that always cursed us. lol I always wanted to play PC games but never had the actual means to be able to. It felt like a curse.

I stay up past midnight as the usual I think. Sometimes mom and I go to bed before 3am but other times we stay up later until dad goes to work because I guess mom wakes him up when we go to bed at or after 3am, and he usually gets up at 4 or 5 and leaves at 6am. When he gets up everyone has to get out of the way, so I just go downstairs to play games til he leaves. But yeah, usually we go to bed around 2:30am if we don't feel like staying up til dad gets up. The mental problem makes it a bigger problem than usual if I stay up all night though, so if that happens I sleep shortly after dad leaves. Especially if the voices are getting unusually loud, then I try to force myself asleep. LAy down and close my eyes until I fall asleep. Most of the time it actually works. lol

i hope u doing ook today

Not really, unfortunately. I was arguing with the voices, but now I'm not sure if mom was actually arguing with me or not. It's usually the voices trying to sound like her, which they're unfortunately able to do to the point that it sounds like her voice sometimes. But I kind of blew up... I mean, I guess, but I can't remember what I might've said. So... everyone's pissed, mom and dad are obviously talking now and lying about it when I ask if they said anything. So, I'm really getting a feeling that I'm not welcome in this house. Which is a feeling that's making me want to give in to the self-destructive coping mechanisms I used to have... I don't know what the hell is going on but mom and dad are saying "grow up already" but I can't just grow up instantaneously with the press of a button. That isn't what bothers me really though, I know how immature I am and how I do need to grow up. What's bothering me is they're talking trash about me like I was some stranger as opposed to being their son. I really don'y know if I've said something when I was arguing that they could've taken wrong or if they're holding something against me, but I definitely hear them mocking and insulting me. And I'm honestly feeling more self-destructive as time goes on today and I keep hearing my own parents talk that way about me. The 2 people I'm supposed to trust more than anyone else in the entire planet, and I hear them insulting me and trivializing my mental issue and they are definitely enjoying doing it. At this point, whatever happens happens. Maybe they'll be better off if I'm not such a difficult burden to deal with. Nobody said they're infallible, but holy fucking shit, am I supposed to be infallible? I'm getting ready to just say fuck it.

[Emotive]

Ok, so, I -think- everything's ok now... but I guess we'll see tomorrow. I might sound like a broken record by now, but I think I seriously messed up over the weekend. Whether or not it'll land me in a mental hospital though remains to be seen. Paranoia... is so damn toxic. I'm sorry to anyone of my friends who feel uncomfrtable when I'm talking like this. It's just since I'm not insured we can't afford a psychiatrist, so all I can really do is vent online about it. I'm still not sure why I'm not insured though.

[Emotive]

sup

Hey, Jer. Not much, just some Ken's Rage on PS3.

How about you?

[Emotive]

Well, this is an interesting development. My parents don't trust me, and apparently think disappointing opinions of me, prematurely concluded as they are. I'm ready to just let go. Backstabbed too many times by "family" I'm supposed to trust more than anyone else. So, whatever they decide to do at this point. I'm not convinced they really give a shit right now, as convinced as they apparently are. Lying to my face about what they say too when I ask them directly if they've said anything along the lines of what I've heard. I know what I hear too. They're so damn convinced, in a matter of weeks and months. I'm up for a meltdown, and I'm really ready to just tailspin. So, whatever happens happens. Guess we'll see how things unfold from here, obviously can't trust anyone in this house. Except the cat, I know I can trust her. Waging a silent conflict against me with whispers behind closed doors, quiet talking in the next room. They want to pretend to know what they hear? Trust what they want to see, so I think I will too. It's all going to come to a head, and my patience is long past expired. I doubt I'll do anything, but I won't take too well to accusations either based on nightmares and paranoid suspicions.

Life, eh? It really can fuck people over, make people not be trusted in a matter of weeks or months.

[Emotive]

sup

Hey, Jer. Not much, just some Ken's Rage on PS3.

How about you?

sup

Hey, Jer. Not much, just some Ken's Rage on PS3.

How about you?

im gaming and thats a good game =]

and aww

Always fun, isn't it? I mean, until a tough boss comes along or repeatedly getting killed. lol

Yeah, just kind of one of those days of looking forward to falling asleep. Not sure what's what, although it does feel surreal. I'm just wanting to give up. At least the cat can't talk shit about me though. lol But I certainly can't trust either of the other 2 people in this house... that's disappointing so much that it feels soul crushing. I guess that's life though, right? Endless disappointment and suffering.

[Emotive]

im gaming and thats a good game =]

and aww

Always fun, isn't it? I mean, until a tough boss comes along or repeatedly getting killed. lol

Yeah, just kind of one of those days of looking forward to falling asleep. Not sure what's what, although it does feel surreal. I'm just wanting to give up. At least the cat can't talk shit about me though. lol But I certainly can't trust either of the other 2 people in this house... that's disappointing so much that it feels soul crushing. I guess that's life though, right? Endless disappointment and suffering.

yup

and i know it problly wont make u feal better but i trust u =]

Thanks. *BEARHUGZ really tight* It actually does make me feel better. Whenever anyone says they trust me is probably the most welcome words I could hear with everything spinning out of control at home lately. It's definitely appreciated. Do you have a favorite snack? Mine's cheese and crackers. Like the orange powder cheese between 2 cheese crackers, packs of those crackers are my favorite. Chives is my favorite flavor though.

I know I can trust the other friends I've made on here too, it's just something that I can temporarily forget when the paranoia is bad enough. Sorry if anyone reading my recent posts has been offended or felt bad from reading them. I'm not trying to offend anyone, so if I have I'm really sorry. I wish we had a way to fix me. ECT (which I thought was Electro-Convulsive Therapy, but the T stands for Treatment as it turns out ) helped for a short while, but without insurance my options are very few. I don't even know why I'm not insured. lol Probably wouldn't do me any good to find out though.

[Emotive]

I'm going to bed now, time to sleep some dreamy sleep. Hopefully no nightmares. Until something wakes me up in the morning. lol G'night everyone, and stay safe.

[Emotive]

Why is it so difficult to try to just enjoy what's supposed to be a good time of the year? I can hear my parents, but they deny saying anything, even when I blatantly hear them. Mom even got defensive when I insisted that I knew, so that road won't lead anywhere. Guess I'll just have to pretend like they're not saying anything, which is difficult for someone like me. Instead of a merry, happy time, it just feels like I'm not welcome in this house. I still can't do anything about it though, unless I want to live on the street which I'm pretty sure no one actually wants to do.

Whenever dad gets home in probably 8 minutes or so, then another day of criticisms and insults they'll want me to pretend like I don't hear is going to be talked about/whispered about, then denied when I ask about them saying it. Honestly, just feel like curling up into a ball and sleeping until everything goes away. Won't happen, but I wish it could. The latest insult, a comparison to someone that nobody alive would ever want to be compared to. Why am I still here? I should just take off, do mom and dad a favor. ... Whatever... I guess it's just how people can be.

[Emotive]

im glad i made u feal better =]

Thanks.

It's looking like this year we just won't celebrate. Which is fine, it's not my house, so I don't make the rules. If they don't want one, then there won't be one. I'm sure I'll get blamed for it though, but what else is new. Oh well, guess that's just how life is, right?

Every now and then though there's some strange random memories than pop up in my head. It's stuff I really don't remember happening but like conversations that I've had in this house with my family. ... Sleeping is so much better than this. I'm going back to sleep, I'm too damn tired to be stressed out like this. Whatever mom and dad want to do I'm sure they'll do, even if it is not celebrating Christmas then that's their choice.

I'll be back later though if I end up waking up before midnight.

[Emotive]

Thanks again.

Just watching Men in Black. be back after

[Emotive]

Kind of still tired, so going to sleep more. Be back later though.

[Emotive]

Well, I don't think I got any sleep. I tried, but it didn't work.

[Emotive]

Was playing for a while. The only Trophies I have left are the ones for Mamiya's Legend and Dream modes and Raoh's. Toki's also, and Kenshiro's. And I think that's it. But it's so late it was time to come upstairs. Hope you're all doing ok.

[Emotive]

I think I've made a decision. I'm not sure how people can just jump to conclusions, and apparently I live with 2 people that have that as the default. Wouldn't put it past them to be stalking my posts here either. Wouldn't even be hard to do, but they want to believe the voices... I think I will too. Let's all go a little crazy, shall we? Believing what they show us, and let's not forget what they make us hear. And so, to the ones that actually stalk me online (the 2 know who they are) you will know of my decision soon enough. Want to believe the worst, go ahead. I won't stop you. You believe whatever you want. I'm ready, the only question is if these 2 are. I think I'll let them decide.

Anyway, everything else is normal. And I'm reaching the end of my rope. It's about time I've reached the end. So how the following days play out is going to determine a lot. But I guess they don't know my login, but the voices want them to believe some shady shit. And they're a little too eager to believe them. God forbid though I should ever tell them what the voices they're so eager and willing to trust show me, no nooooo, can't hear that or believe that. So, whatever. In the end, people will believe whatever they want to believe. And I quite frankly don't even have the patience left to go through another 17 years of this. Without giving someone any kind of information to have me admitted to a mental hospital (can't afford it my ass), I'll just say it's better to be careful of what you believe and not be lead along on a string by forces you can't understand. Hell, I can't even understand it and I've been dealing with it for 17 years. Think I know exactly what they think, and that's just fine. Think the simplest theory. I know better, but I guess they don't have 17 years to know the difference between what they want someone to believe and reality. Not sure what to do, but if that's what they think then that's fine. Don't ask. Don't do anything other than assume, jumping to premature conclusions... and that's what they think... how fast someone can turn against you just from nightmares and trying to piece things together, when it's what you are supposed to think because of them. Ranting and raving... hmm... We'll see how things go. I can't believe they actually think the worst. But whatever, everyone's stabbed me in the back so why wouldn't they. Just... whatever. Whatever, and whatever, and whatever. Oh, I could make a wallpaper and set it like that. Hahah. Ohhh man, I think I'll have fun. Tip-toeing on that edge of insanity, fighting to keep myself together because of family. Little did I know they're both conspiring against me. Let them conspire. I'm done. What have I been keeping myself together for? Nothing apparently. Mom and dad have turned against me, believing some premature conclusion they've obviously assumed. And they won't care what I say, not really, like always. I'm just the crazy guy who hears voices, why would they or anyone else believe me? I'm tired of this. There is alpha and omega, the beginning was 33 years ago, and the omega isn't too far off I think. Something will happen, I've got a gut feeling. Can't trust a soul in this house... well, except the cat. I know I can trust her. The distant family stabbing me in the back, and now mom and dad do also. I should've expected as much. Seems to be the thing with family, like some right of passage or something.

I'll stop writing because this will turn into an essay if I keep going. Somewhere in all those nonsensical ranting words must be something I was trying to say. Not sure anymore... about a lot. We'll see, only time will tell. I'm not welcome here though, so I guess it's a matter of leaving. They obviously want me gone, so I think I should give them what they want, right?

[Emotive]

I'm going to play some FF IV Advance. I think I remember playing it, but after Cecil had that transformation into a whole different personality his new style was difficult to get used to. I remember it being underwhelming honestly, but I think I'll try again and try to not let his new capabilities put me off from finishing the game. I think I forgot that it's supposed to be a team, and no one likes when one person on a team outshines the rest. Maybe I'll look at it like that. Here we go~