"We should duel sometime." - Joey Wheeler (Emotive's ALJ)

[Emotive]

It's time to sleep. Hopefully I won't wake up a little after brushing my teeth like I usually do though. I'm really hoping I'll be able to sleep right after, and I think I will because I'm tired enough. Anyways though, talk to you all tomorrow. at some point. G'night and stay safe, everyone! Hope everyone's doing ok.

[Emotive]

Good day for lemonade. It might be a little chilly, but the sun is really bright so I think it's perfect for some lemonade powder mix.

Been thinking about playing a game, but not sure which one yet.

[Emotive]

Been paranoid, been convinced of a lot of things. I almost stepped off the edge yesterday (metaphorically of course) but thankfully I didn't take the leap. Don't worry, it's still a metaphor. I do wonder though what it would take for me to actually step over that edge. And what would happen? Given how inherently nice I am and how I'm always keeping myself from harming anyone or anything I really think it'd be something lackluster, like maybe talking to myself out loud or maybe yelling out loud in a dialog with these voices. But I think that'd be the end of it. I'm just not a violent person. So, I think I can take comfort in my guess probably being right. Even so... sometimes, I just feel like stepping off of that edge, plunging headfirst into insanity and letting the chips fall where they may. Thankfully I always check that line of thinking though, like thinking about something else or just going to sleep.

But, yeah... I think I'm on borrowed time. A mental hospital might be a drastic measure, but if they're convinced I think they'd choose that course of action. I guess only time will tell though if my paranoia is justified or I'm just expecting a worst-case scenario for no actual reason... Well, not even sure if anyone reads what I put in here anymore. lol I also wonder sometimes though, what mom and dad are thinking... but I've got enough problems without hearing other people's thoughts. xD So, I think I'm better off without that ability.

... But I do hear them whispering. I think they've learned to whisper even quieter so that I can't hear them, which just leaves quiet moments when they're both in the kitchen for what seems like an unusually long amount of time, so that's suspicious... Whatever happens happens, I don't have any control over it. I guess only time will tell. Funny thing is though, paranoia seems to be getting worse with time too. I'm not sure what the answer is though. If there even is one.

... So, I guess the only question is whether or not I share my thoughts... Which I don't think I'll do. All of my thoughts, all in my head. And 2 people I live with that I'm finding out time and again I probably shouldn't trust.

[Emotive]

I'd love to be insured so that I could go to a psychiatrist. Not in the cards though. Not sure why the hell it's so damn difficult to get someone insured though. But I don't know much anyway. My dreams... yeah, I don't have dreams anymore. I had a dream of one day having a family, but that isn't likely nor feasible. Clearly I'm not someone who's ever going to be able to take care of someone else, and so I think I'll discard that "dream" just like those closest to me (or that I thought were closest to me) have done. No more dreams, so we'll see what happens from here.

[Emotive]

I really need to finish that anime. lol I'll have to wait until tomorrow though, it's too late to get settled in to start up Black Cat. Almost time for chicken and potato casserole. lol I forgot what else was on my mind. Our little Zena kittycat (actually 2 years old I think) knows she's cute and uses it to control us. xD It's impossible to not give in to her cute powers!

[Emotive]

I wonder what game I should play... probably Forbidden Memories. Or maybe Fist of the North Star: Ken's Rage. Or sleep, snce I'm yawning so much. lol

[Emotive]

This song reminds me of when I was in Elementary School and my closest friend at the time suggested we should make a band when it was just me, him, and one other kid in the classroom that was singing along to it. It must've been the radio because I don't think there was really anything else to listen to music at the time, other than maybe a computer. But I don't think a teacher would've intentionally let us listen to it. lol Just reminds me of the best friend I had in as a kid outside of family, whose name was Kody. The guy was so cool. lol The first person that didn't stab me in the back first chance he got, but I had to wait until 5th or 6th grade until I'd met someone that didn't do that. The guy was so wild though. lol When I was with him it felt like we had the world by the balls, but as a kid it's easier to think like that than as an adult.

I'll always remember Kody for how good of a friend he was. Up until that point my misanthropy was really bad, I thought everyone was out to use me for a laugh at my expense. I could get talked into some of the dumbest things I ever did. Like, one time an asshole called Mark (who would use his handicapped status to take advantage of people's trust and really bring out the pity in people, and I know he did it intentionally because when those same people's backs were turned, Mark was a conniving con that knew how to get away with things by making people pity him. I hated that Mark kid with everything I was, but I was still too nice to ever do anything about it. lol I've never been violent in my entire life.

Yeah though, Kody was one of the best friends I ever made, but we had to move away into the next town but it was 15 miles or so and I didn't know he was still in the next town after we moved away, I thought he moved away too. So, we lost touch over the years, but he did come up to our house here at one point. It was so awesome to find him again, but I really don't know what happened to him. I know his last name, but couldn't find him on facebook. I wish I could find him again to see if he remembers me. But this song by Papa Roach will always remind me of my best friend as a kid outside of family, and how Kody wanted to start a band.

[Emotive]

I'm going to try to get more sleep, 3 or so hours isn't enough. lol

[Emotive]

Think I might be able to catch up on some sleep, so I'm going to try.

[Emotive]

Ok, well, got some sleep but honestly... I'm still tired. lol Mom and dad are about to head out though so I think I'll watch some Outlaw Star while they're gone. Or go back to sleep. But right now it's looking like some Outlaw Star.

[Akane Mayu]

hi hi

[Emotive]

hi hi

Oh hey.

I was starting to wonder if no one was going to pop in anymore. lol

Have you been able to play any games? Everyone's really busy lately, or it seems like everyone is. Totally understandable too, but I tend to over-analyze things... like, way too much.

There's been a few nights and days where I came really close, but I looked at a pic we have of Big Sis (we've got so many ) that it reminded me of how important it is to keep myself from going over that edge into full-blown crazy, since she'd never want me to do that. Just that sometimes I forget to think about what she would want me to be doing, as opposed to getting frustrated and overwhelmed and feeling like I'm about to lose my mind.

[Emotive]

Ugghhh... when dad and mom got home, I expected it to be better. But not even 10 minutes into it, I hear them whispering between themselves. I'd only need 1 guess to know what they're whispering about, especially since I hear their words. I mean, they must actually think I can't hear what they say. Either that, or they don't care... No, I think I'll try to believe it's because they don't know I can hear them, because them not caring would honestly be my rock being destroyed. The rest of the family stabbed me in the back (them too) so if they did that too, I honestly think that would be too much. I wouldn't be able to handle that, as much as I can take, that's not something I'd be able to take.

[Emotive]

Is home supposed to feel like torture? The voices make it torture already, but now I've heard something that probably no parent should say. So, that figures... I'm almost to the point where I just don't care anymore. For once I'm not feeling overly chatty. This family is a farce. Everything falls apart eventually though. Everything. Nothing, and no one, is unbreakable. So, whatever. I don't care. They wouldn't miss me anyway. Hell, they'd probably throw me to the wolves with a smile on their face. So, who cares. I guess that's the inevitability of "family". Sooner or later they'll all stab you in the back, metaphorically speaking. Anyway, we'll see what happens... but I can tell you now, I won't ever forget her saying that. A new rift has been created in the family dynamic... my mind won't let go of this, I know that much too. It holds on to things that strike a nerve for some reason. I'll just probably be moping along in a mental hospital not too far from now. I wouldn't be surprised if I had a brain aneurysm before I'm 35 or maybe a heart attack given how constantly stressed out I am. God willing.

[Emotive]

Time for dinner (or almost time for dinner). Thanksgiving leftoverz Gonna stack my plate again. lol

Did you all have a good Thankagiving?