"We should duel sometime." - Joey Wheeler (Emotive's ALJ)

[Emotive]

Probably halfway through the movie. After the subway battle and Kamui's dream about Kotori. I've forgotten a LOT more than I thought.

[Emotive]

I stopped it so I could watch it tomorrow. I forgot dad has to work tomorrow and the volume is louder than I think it is, and he went to bed. lol All of that translates to tomorrow during the day is a better time to watch the movie. Also I found my Hellsing series so I've been wanting to see that too. But first, X the movie tomorrow.

[Emotive]

Been watching Blade II with mom, it's almost over though since Jared just met his father and sister in person since the start of the movie. Revenge is quite a motivator. Been thinking about playing some Nightmare Troubadour after this too. For now though, one badass fight between the son of Damaskinos (Jared Nomak) and Blade.

Man, sometimes I can't type worth a damn. lol

[Emotive]

I've considered myself a good person for a while, or at least I think I have. It seems like there's some "memories" in my mind that aren't actual, legit memories, so it's sometimes hard to say what I remember and what I don't, but I think that's been my stance about what kind of person I am. Mom thinks I'm a good person, I know Big Sis' thought I was a good person... but really, I don't see it. I don't know why, I just don't think I'm a decent person. People that know me would say I'm a good person, but I don't see myself like that. It makes me happy that people consider me a good person, but my self-worth is incredibly low, and always was. Maybe that has something to do with it. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever see myself as a good person, and I don't think I'll ever really know why except chalk it up to low self-worth. Well... some things just are the way they are, I guess.

By the way, I was going to stay up all night and day just to gamble to test the waters, but I'm already yawning so I think after a few more hours I'll be heading to sleep. Maybe enough existential monologue for now too.

[Emotive]

Yeah, I think I'm tired enough to just head to sleep, and honestly just want to dream away where I can retreat from everything. One thing's for sure: I'm getting tired of debating whether or not to trust what I "think" I'm hearing is real or just me hearing things...

Anyway, g'night. Stay safe. Everyone needs help sometimes, even if they stubbornly refuse or tell you they don't. Just to make a point: I've been raised by 2 of the most stubborn people I've ever known in my entire life, and even they need someone to help them from time to time. Sleep well, everyone. G'night.

[Emotive]

Just watched X/1999 today all the way through. I have to say, it is definitely a lot darker than I remember it. Fuma in particular, it's as though he became an entirely different person as a Dragon of Earth. There's some things I can understand about him, but some things I can't. Like how he got that sword... I'll never understand how he was willing to do that. But having your fate chosen for you by circumstances beyond your control is something I can understand. No matter how much you try to rail against it, sometimes it just feels like things are going to be how they're going to be, even for the worse. But I'm also an extremely paranoid, depressed individual so maybe my point of view is a little off from a normal point of view. Still, such a sad ending though.

I told mom about it, and I heard her vocally doubt that my sister got me that movie. I mean, really? You know I hear voices and you're going to whisper right in front of me? ... Which leads me into the other issue of not being able to determine what they actually say or what's just in my head... sometimes, I could swear up and down they're whispering something under their breath, sometimes to each other. Keep in mind, they're sitting right by each other while I'm on the couch quite a ways away, but I swear to God I can hear them saying some of those things... then I ask mom, and she says no. But, to me, in my mind, of course she'd say that, because she might think it's something that would better the situation, but all it does is make it worse. Sometimes I question whether or not anything I'm hearing is really being said... which gets taxing on one's spirit over time... Ugh, but I'll be around for a long time unless something unforeseen happens to me that's out of my control, like one of those car accidents or some other type of incident that happens but is rare. I've got no plans of going anywhere anytime soon... hopefully the fire doesn't start creeping toward our town again though. It's frustrating when someone doubts you, your capabilities, your integrity, or the kind of person that you are... but I suppose I should be used to that by now. Who knows, maybe I'll never be able to put metaphorical armor around my heart so that it wouldn't be so easy to cut through my heart, but at 33 if my heart is still unprotected from those kinds of invisible wounds that don't leave physical scars, then maybe I'll never grow thicker skin as they say.

Oh, but g'morning (and g'night for those in the later timezones). It's a good day to wake up, being Friday and whatnot. Feels like I'm just getting more and more lost with each passing day though... not really sure what to do about that...

[Emotive]

Came across this band just now. Interesting song, nice lyrics.

[Emotive]

Let's see here... I'm kind of having trouble what anime to watch next. I've thought about giving Ghost in the Shell (1995) another try since as a kid it went way, WAY over my head for the most part but the visuals were breathtaking. But I have been having a Hellsing urge (not Ultimate, the original Hellsing series is the only one I have ) which then makes me think of Vampire Knight, which I never actually finished, just saw the majority of.

So... it's probably down to these:
Finishing Wolf's Rain
Restarting the first Yugioh series
Ergo Proxy (since I finally found it lol)
Black Cat
Vampire Knight
or The SoulTaker

I can never decide sometimes. Which anime do you think I should watch next?

[Emotive]

Wheee!!! I'm gonna watch The SoulTaker tomorrow~~ So glad I found the anime I thought I'd lost. lol They would've had to have vanished - oh wait, I remember what I thought happened. I thought mom and dad put them in one of the sheds to make more room downstairs (it's kind of cluttered) but turns out I just had the memory confused with what I feared they'd do. Honestly I should've known better than that, they'd never do that. So, kind of just made myself worry for literally no reason. xD How is it that our mind can be our own worst enemy sometimes? I mean, I think it's a major design flaw.

[Emotive]

I'm heading to bed, I keep nodding off. G'night everyone, and stay safe. Not sure when I'lll wake up Saturday, but I think I'll be asleep for a solid while. lol Soooo soooooooooo tired. Take care, and be careful. I'll see you all sooner or later. G'night again!

[Emotive]

Started watching Black Cat, finished episode 2 tonight but I'll have to wait for tomorrow for the rest of the anime.

[Emotive]

Not sure what I feel like doing. Playing a game, watching more Black Cat. But I really should hold off on Black Cat until the daytime tomorrow since I need to turn it up a decent amount to hear it.

[Emotive]

I'll be heading to bed really soon, if not in the next few minutes. If I don't get around to saying g'night beforehand I'll go ahead and say g'night just in case.

Hopefully I'll actually sleep all the way through without waking up after 3 hours again though. lol

[Emotive]

lol Train's response to Creed's "So, why don't you join with me?" cracked me up. lol

[Emotive]

I kind of got distracted when watching the last episode of Black Cat, so I'll have to re-watch it most likely. I think it was episode 5. Oh, Creed though is one certifiable creep. Like, right up there with some of the villains in anime I hate the most or are just too creepy. xD