Sally's Writing

[Salrynn]

Sally here!

This is where I am going to be writing some short works of writing that I make up. Maybe it may inspire me to make more, and it may even make it into future novels I make, I don't know. I am still in the middle of writing two right now, with stalling progress.

I hope everyone enjoys what I have in store for here!

[Salrynn]

I stopped in my tracks…

There was no way this was going to go down well.

The forest, it was just so beautiful… The birds were tweeting, the flowers were swaying happily in the breeze. Even the atmosphere was so calming.

Which is why it was shocking when I was requested to take care of some business here. Apparently, something wasn’t right here. How can somewhere as peaceful as this not be right somehow?

My question was quickly answered for me…

In front of me appeared 5 seemingly young women, their earthly outfits and braids looking well decorated and floral, it was only when I looked closer, that I knew what they were.

“Elves…” I whispered to myself, glancing over to their pointed ears and their flower crowns, which surprisingly didn’t look over the top. “What are they even doing here??”

It really wasn’t obvious to me right now, but the confusion of what I am seeing is mind-boggling. Elves are a rarity to see, and the fact that they have shown themselves willingly as well. Any appearances of elves meant they could get executed on sight.

Walking over to the centre, the elves stopped and then got themselves into a position where they have formed a circle, they held onto the hand that was next to them and started to prance around, keeping their circle formation.

“What in tarnation is this…?”

They all seemed at peace, and they were all having a lot of fun from what they were doing. The world we live in is a sad place. Us humans were always seen as superior, it’s a shame.

It soon became obvious what they were doing, and it wasn’t a pretty sight to see. Within a few minutes, they began chanting something which didn’t sound human at all. Then, it happened.

Within the centre of them was some form of creature, and it was staring at me. It was a complete nightmare, and I had no clue what to do but to make a run for it.

[Atem O Lantern]

I like this, when I used to write I did short things before I started coming up with stories to write up. Sometimes I do get writters block.

[Salrynn]

I like this, when I used to write I did short things before I started coming up with stories to write up. Sometimes I do get writters block.

Thanks

Yeah, I know that feeling. It sucks to get writers block.

[Expendable]

Nicely done scene! I love the imagery, although I have some questions about your world if elves are considered the lesser beings and subject to death on sight, especially if they can conjure up lethal nightmares? It's also curious that your protagonist was summoned here without being told why, and how they didn't react once they recognized the elves. It would have been a perfect opportunity for them to introduce themselves.

I stopped in my tracks…

There was no way this was going to go down well.

The "..." in my opinion is just too much so early. I'd suggest ditching them and either do a single period and making this all one line, or a comma or semi-colon join.

My question was quickly answered for me…

I don't recommend trying to building up suspense by using the "..." here. The whole sentence reeks of foreshadowing, and I would suggest cutting it.

In front of me appeared 5 seemingly young women, their earthly outfits and braids looking well decorated and floral, it was only when I looked closer, that I knew what they were.

I would cut the word "Seemingly" as it reeks of foreshadowing, and eliminate the comma join here and make "it was only when I looked closer, that I knew what they were." its own sentence. Also, write out the "five" instead of using the number.

It really wasn’t obvious to me right now, but the confusion of what I am seeing is mind-boggling.

I would suggest cutting this.

These edits should help tighten up your story and make it seem a bit more immediate instead of past tense. As always, you are free to completely disregard any suggestion above.

[redsunner]

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