[CL] Some poems and junk

[Mykalwane]

Yea this sucks but been trying to write this review over and over again. So just putting this out so it can get shat out of my system.

Doctor Strange

Its strange how Ironman with Hogwarts is quite boring.

It's not bad. Its quite abdicate. Its just advantage movie with some decent action beats. A bit formulaic. With the more interesting things in the background. Hell the damn cape is more interesting then Doctor Strange. Everything is compliant made. Its not bad, just ok. Most of the ideas you've seen before, it just has a bigger budget. Now you See it, being a movie about stage magicians, does a better job with magic. Everything but maybe two scenes done better in other stuff. You have the explosion being played backwards with a fight scene going forward. The final boss battle with the time gem. You get the cool intro to the magic that gives the prospect of this early on for hopes of more. Those two good scenes. That it.

Now if a decent movie is all want with something that has little to do with the source material. You'll get what you pay for. If you're looking for something worth while, you won't. It's disposable movie. It anit as bad as Shaft or Daredevil. The thing is it could of been so much more. Doctor Strange is roughly the magic doctor. That would of made for a better movie then Avengers just with magic. It being squander potential, that's its biggest fault. If that's your biggest problem for a movie. You could do far worse.

[Chlobo]

I really like the Harmonica and Paprika piece.

[Mykalwane]

[mention=63761]Chlobo[/mention] what about them do you like?

[Mykalwane]

Bound in leather and hate unfolds to a deadly beauty. She murders in the kindest way, by stealing others hearts. A bliss that never misses it shot. A bounty hunter hope to take her from from the earth, only to wed instead. Only adding to her army. Humans forged to weapons to continue her empire of joy. Extending it with each step she takes.

[Mykalwane]

Choral
WIP

The tragedy of the first meeting and last meeting of a love. The choice of telling the story in the past allows for the audience to see the world is the conflict, not the love. It gives the intimacy of a play. with the detail of a painting. Every character feel fleshed out and real. It does so at the disservice of pacing. The first ten minutes define it so well. So if this movie isn't for you, you can opt out earily. If you do, I think you will regret missing out on a great movie if you do.

A period piece that gives Magic Realism style of its painted scenes that evoke Alex Colville's art. Give this

[Mykalwane]

in case of pretty argument

Because every girl is pretty.
the way may be different then others but you are pretty got that

you may have as many scars as Xena or as Lumpy as Lumpy Space Princess
you may be as speechless as Airal or as cold as Anna or glichy as Vanellope
you are still pretty just like all those princesses
though you are more along the lines of Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca III
you're still pretty awesome

This is a very raw and uplifting piece. It flows well and has a strong message. This made me feel happy inside, especially when you mentioned Vanellope who I think is really precious.

[Mykalwane]

Just so Super

Fluter threw the world
It all a bit of a blur
words seem to deter
so left with verb

word of action
word of passion
word of traction

all words so lack
brain feels tieback
left to smack
not to detract
rot on the rack

The rhymes feel really natural and create a nice rhythm to it. I really like the rot on the rack line as it gives off some strong imagery.

[Mykalwane]

Something that came from having that chains song stuck in my head

Never know a loved
ever said a beloved

Yet you can hear the chains
words all bits of disdains

hear it from above
hear it from behove

never does find love
just the slap of glove

exhilaration led to degradation
coarctation led to starvation

warn deatain
ashes remain

I really like the rhymes in this. It feels natural and I like the choice of words.

[Mykalwane]

born in oil, it was an odd egg to begin with, heated by the earth till hatched. they always had felt odd in the masculine body. Being birthed from oil that brings death to those mining in the area because of the pockets of methane in the area, they were rushed towards training to become a soldier. The scouts in particular, since that meant traveling large distances away from the clan to study creatures.

Though the training would take on the task of learning what was thought to be lesser things of other cultures, such as song, dance, and to play instruments. Since these were things that had no value in combat, they were seen as weak, something the females would do. In these moments where they were unfocused their head would loose its form a bit to look like an abysmal creatures with multiple eyes.


A polytheistic priest noticed this. Most simply see the priest as an old fool, most think nothing of him, but let the priest be since his goal is one of peace. He spooks the children insulting them and points out to them that they are having trouble keeping form. It isn't to be worried about. Toutatis was much the same way. They, taking an interest in this, followed the priest to inquire more about Toutatis, who's heat rises and falls at random intervals as it travels, only having a form that is never stable at times. This interested them as they fallowed the Priest who revealed his name to be Cunliffe.



Cunliffe spoke of his beliefs in gods. "a dualism between the male tribal god and the female deity of the land" They took on more feminine features as its form began to settle back down again. "on the whole intellectual, deeply versed in the native learning, poets and prophets, story-tellers and craftsmen, magicians, healers, warriors" giving them a time to calm. They took a deep interest into the priest, learning from him as they took studies in becoming a warrior and scout for their clan.
The priest started to give them focus as they learned in time. Even taking them to a hidden shrine that is a rectangular ditched enclosure surrounded in wood housing a grove. This was thought as crazy by them, so they took on the name of Gambit.

For it will be a gambit of risk to continue forth. The trees had etched into them the knot of shield on each one. How a small grove could survive in these dark tunnels was through the ritual on the earth . It gave a small light that was bright as the sun with song before etching into earth a half a line before drawing half a circle before the word "Eadha" was spoken. The trees shook before a small trickle of water was seen from the symbols in the earth to the trees

"The aspan here are the shield to protect as we respect those fallen."Cunliffe spoke without words having meaning to them. The moment crystallized in their mind that Cunliffe's belief was true.


The Gambit was worth while, they being worth while. Began in study to learn this faith. It wasn't till a year later did they learn that most of the dead were housed below that hidden shrine. Small piles of ash labeled with a wood piece. Nothing more. They took meaning in a tomb that had many blank pages in them. Only few were filled that Cunliffe knew. Something their travels as a scout for their clan would allow them to be told by many of the priests in the world


Trying to teach many of Suil to them by Cunliffe. There was very little could they perform. Eihwaz constantly mixed up with Suil, it made slow progress. They made more progress with songs and blade. Before setting on to their journey into the world after mastering the blade. After starting to journey on their own, they were able to etch into the earth Suil and get the spell portion right of "Sól er skýja skjöldr ok skínandi röðull ok ísa aldrtregi. rota siklingr." Having the earth and word match of the ritual was able to produce a small shield that did nothing more then prevent small things such as rocks or fruit thrown at them.

"Sun is the shield of the clouds and shining ray and destroyer of ice." were what the words rang to those who understood to explain why the small shield looked so bright. In time and study it may have more effects, but for now that is all it is. It relies more on the song and blade on their journey through the land. Hopes in time that it will find the priest and verse to help them with the tomb. Gloves etched with the knot of shield gave them hope and direction. Every once in awhile giving a light glow in the direction they must go towards a page or a priest that might know more to teach

[Chlobo]

in case of pretty argument

Because every girl is pretty.
the way may be different then others but you are pretty got that

you may have as many scars as Xena or as Lumpy as Lumpy Space Princess
you may be as speechless as Airal or as cold as Anna or glichy as Vanellope
you are still pretty just like all those princesses
though you are more along the lines of Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca III
you're still pretty awesome

This is a very raw and uplifting piece. It flows well and has a strong message. This made me feel happy inside, especially when you mentioned Vanellope who I think is really precious.

Just so Super

Fluter threw the world
It all a bit of a blur
words seem to deter
so left with verb

word of action
word of passion
word of traction

all words so lack
brain feels tieback
left to smack
not to detract
rot on the rack

The rhymes feel really natural and create a nice rhythm to it. I really like the rot on the rack line as it gives off some strong imagery.

Something that came from having that chains song stuck in my head

Never know a loved
ever said a beloved

Yet you can hear the chains
words all bits of disdains

hear it from above
hear it from behove

never does find love
just the slap of glove

exhilaration led to degradation
coarctation led to starvation

warn deatain
ashes remain

I really like the rhymes in this. It feels natural and I like the choice of words.

[Mykalwane]

The last one's rhythm is from the song The Chains most know if from Guardians of the Galaxy. in case of pretty argument was for OhMiaGod on twitter. Just Super was me just slamming words together that rymed. Do that ever so often such as the Wizard's tip.

[Mykalwane]

A patter of thought
seems for nought
a utter rot
sold and bought
let for not
some sod to caught

Not sure if the third line is meant to be an utter rot or a nutter rot, but think the first one rolls off the tongue better. It's a nice little poem with a nice rhythm.

[Chlobo]

A patter of thought
seems for nought
a utter rot
sold and bought
let for not
some sod to caught

Not sure if the third line is meant to be an utter rot or a nutter rot, but think the first one rolls off the tongue better. It's a nice little poem with a nice rhythm.

[Mykalwane]

utter since I am utter sod

[Mykalwane]

Threw the winds of the mind
Litter lost ideas, left to time
Oh the flutter moment unwind
Doth the wind, sound snide

A door birth thine
never to be kind
A whisper to opine

Ever to bine
Dreams ever benign
ever to sigh

never with a why
truth never aline
lies intertwine
reality repine

I think there might be some typing errors in this poem. I think in the first line, you mean "through", not "threw". The latter is the passive form of 'throwing something', whereas the first means "through something". I'm also not sure if 'litter' is the correct word? Litter does have multiple meanings, including trash that is scattered around, but using it this way is grammatically a bit strange. "A door birth thine" also seems a bit weird - door births yours? Is this what you meant?

Could you maybe write the same poem out in more common words? I understand you're trying hard to have everything rhyme, but I think your poem is a bit baffling in a way that you probably do not mean. Extensive vocabulary is great, but it should enhance the reading experience, not hinder it.

Threw the winds of the mind

Past tense of travel of movement threw the environment of the mind

Then it should be 'through'. That word has no past tense - it is created by the other words in the sentence.

'go through' (third-person singular simple present goes through, present participle going through, simple past went through, past participle gone through)

Litter lost ideas, left to time

Trash items in the form of ideas that have been left behind to take the the wear and tear from time

I think "litter of lost ideas" would be the correct form here.

Oh the flutter moment unwind

The movement of wind that allows for a feeling of release

'Fluttering moment' would seem grammatically more correct.

Doth the wind, sound snide

The wind in particular sounds insulting

This is fine.

A door birth thine

It opens forth a new thought via this thing

Then this doesn't work. 'thine' Thine means either:

archaic form of yours; the thing or things belonging to or associated with thee.
"his spirit will take courage from thine"

or

form of thy used before a vowel.
"inquire into thine own heart"

I am unsure how to suggest you rework this line. x.x 'thine' does not relate to what you wanted to write in any way, so really, you'd need to find a new word for the rhyme.

never to be kind
The birth thought may be new but never is nice.

Ok, I see what you mean.

A whisper to opine
It gives a small amount of an opinion

"A whispered opine" would work better. Now it sounds like you are whispering to an opinion.

Ever to bine
That is tied to you for while

"bind" is the word meaning "to tie". Bine means "A long, flexible stem of a climbing plant, especially the hop.".

lies intertwine
never happens to lie either

This line is fine grammatically, but it doesn't mean what you meant. 'intertwine' means that the lies get mixed with something.

reality repine
Gives a reason for reality express discontent

I think "repines" would be the correct form here, then.

Eh most are rhymes for the sake of rhyming.

This might work if you made your poem feel more like random thoughts. I think what's tripping it up now are the incorrect words scattered here and there, and the fact that the poem does feel like it is supposed to all be connected, but it is not. You can have lines that are disconnected from each other, but each line has to make sense on it's own if you do that. With some rework, I'm sure you could make this happen.




You can make it work, it's just that you have to come up with your own inner logic for the poem and stick with it. When you create your own rules and adhere to them, you can make even a long piece work brilliantly. You should definately give it a go!