[CL] Some poems and junk

[Ioreth]

I was surprised at the outcome. It seemed like we weren't getting anywhere... but despite butting heads, I was happy with our entry.

Also... how do you forget that a poem is yours? D:

[Mykalwane]

True, but that happen with us being polar opposite. Still there is stuff from the toss pile I think is worth while and will revisit on my next day off. There was one in particular that I think could of been something but wasn't.

I forgot about that poem being mine, because after a certain amount of time I forget things. Most of my writings I tend not to put much heart into remember, but rather the lessons from them. The heart goes into writing them. I care more about the work, and how the work is done rather then the thing it creates.Probably why I love hearing criqitues about how I suck. I hear how I can improve the work. Which is the thing I care more about. Hell the reason I stopped writing reviews was I wasn't hearing any feedback. I didn't hear how it was good, didn't hear how it was bad. As though the work I put into, people don't care for. This was back when I wrote for a website, and the guys who ran it didn't bother to tell me what they thought. Not even a, that's good keep doing that. Then the server got hit with a virus. With one of the main guys about to get married and the other having to deal with a wreck with his bike. The site went in backlog of one day. Then kind of got forgoten. http://www.podcastdirectory.com/podcasts/43092 and https://itunes.apple.com/md/podcast/the ... d284343734 are the last remenants of it exsiting. Which soon probably won't even be that. All I have is the memory of someone liking my reviews enough, I got a free game to play. Then I reviewed for them, and they wanted me to do it again.

My cousin (finally found that url to her) on the other hand collects them. So tend to send my poems her way. She said

nice! romeo and juliet always a good subject. love "vein's cabernet". fab! xo

Which the whole Romeo and Juliet thing was just me trying to make you happy.

[Ioreth]

Well it worked cuz it was totally awesome. Made me very happy, actually! Whatever you plan on doing with that trash pile, just mention me and I'll come see what's been cooked up from it.

[Mykalwane]

The first one from the trash pile [mention=32476]Ioreth[/mention] I like it because it matches http://youtu.be/im-iEVF5KpI

Drops

Two drops in the sea,
free from their antiquity.

Anchored in others' heart
Wish that they could part.

Death's kiss, would be a sweet bliss.
To unshackle heart's chains with this.
Free to this dark abyss.

Hearts bleed, two droplets freed,
Wounds caused by an ebony bouquet.

Two drops in the sea,
free from their antiquity.

I like it all except line 9. It doesn't fit the sea/droplet theme very well.

Well the reason for the line, is to suggest they bleed out.

Hearts bleed, two droplets freed.
Two drops in the sea.

Wounds caused by an ebony bouquet.
free from their antiquity.

That was what I was suggesting. Thought having it phrase that way wouldn't work. It kind of suggest suicide. Though having it

Hearts bleed, two droplets freed,
Wounds caused by an ebony bouquet.

Two drops in the sea,
free from their antiquity.

I think gives the idea they longed to free. That only when they died were they free without suggesting suicide. I may be wrong on that, I don't know.

This is a nice piece, as usual with your work it has colourful word choices and that makes it stand out.

[Ioreth]

I like it all except line 9. It doesn't fit the sea/droplet theme very well.

[Mykalwane]

Well the reason for the line, is to suggest they bleed out.

Hearts bleed, two droplets freed.
Two drops in the sea.

Wounds caused by an ebony bouquet.
free from their antiquity.

That was what I was suggesting. Thought having it phrase that way wouldn't work. It kind of suggest suicide. Though having it

Hearts bleed, two droplets freed,
Wounds caused by an ebony bouquet.

Two drops in the sea,
free from their antiquity.

I think gives the idea they longed to free. That only when they died were they free without suggesting suicide. I may be wrong on that, I don't know.

[Ioreth]

Technically, it's whatever you want, since it's your poem. That is the beauty of writing. If you like it and are happy with the way it is, then this is most important.

[Mykalwane]

I am never happy with any of them is why I am always open for someone to tell me what is wrong about it. It working and doing its job is another. Though ending with "I don't know" means I was considering new information. Since I am considering wither or not to change it.

[Mykalwane]

A Dot

Did I think a thought or was it bought?
Or was it simply an abstract thought?
Or was it simply wrought of naught?
Was it something mine, or taught?
Nothing more the words jot.

This is good, though I find it a little tough to read. I think it's just because of the amount of words using the same sound in them. I liked the way the two lines repeated, "Or was it simply..." that fits really well.

[Mykalwane]

This was something I wrote before hand, and had to do in pieces for Angel Mafia RP in CityScape. Its finally done which means I need to start working on the next thing for it.

Maw's Bargain

The remnants of youth
Collected so long ago.
A piece of you to collect the pieces.
In head constant fighting.
Never here.

Death never true.
Bound flesh of heaven and hell.
Each death another piece taken away.
Till mind shatters

Try to contain it.
Contain the broken parts, darkest parts free to bring destruction.
It only lead to death and destruction.
The only escape to save a flame in the darkness, was a sacrifice.
Trade who was, for the flame to come.
Each will be bound by these words.

A bargain to be paid.
Bound by heaven and hell.
The bargain be a line threw time.
Threw the heart of what was, and will be.
Each a portion to be paid in sacrifice.

So that something precious would not break.
In turn the line would continue to the end, never breaking.
A heavy price to pay, every piece to pay shall come.
Not all with the mind to do, but come.
Words to head be the only shield.

A payment must be collected.
Someone that is precious knows too well, that true.
Held till the full amount, will let you see when it is.

I think this is one of the best things I've seen from you, at least in my personal opinion. I can't see anything I'd change at this stage, this is really good. Keep up the good work.

[ImmortalJed]

Drops

Two drops in the sea,
free from their antiquity.

Anchored in others' heart
Wish that they could part.

Death's kiss, would be a sweet bliss.
To unshackle heart's chains with this.
Free to this dark abyss.

Hearts bleed, two droplets freed,
Wounds caused by an ebony bouquet.

Two drops in the sea,
free from their antiquity.

This is a nice piece, as usual with your work it has colourful word choices and that makes it stand out.

A Dot

Did I think a thought or was it bought?
Or was it simply an abstract thought?
Or was it simply wrought of naught?
Was it something mine, or taught?
Nothing more the words jot.

This is good, though I find it a little tough to read. I think it's just because of the amount of words using the same sound in them. I liked the way the two lines repeated, "Or was it simply..." that fits really well.

This was something I wrote before hand, and had to do in pieces for Angel Mafia RP in CityScape. Its finally done which means I need to start working on the next thing for it.

Maw's Bargain

The remnants of youth
Collected so long ago.
A piece of you to collect the pieces.
In head constant fighting.
Never here.

Death never true.
Bound flesh of heaven and hell.
Each death another piece taken away.
Till mind shatters

Try to contain it.
Contain the broken parts, darkest parts free to bring destruction.
It only lead to death and destruction.
The only escape to save a flame in the darkness, was a sacrifice.
Trade who was, for the flame to come.
Each will be bound by these words.

A bargain to be paid.
Bound by heaven and hell.
The bargain be a line threw time.
Threw the heart of what was, and will be.
Each a portion to be paid in sacrifice.

So that something precious would not break.
In turn the line would continue to the end, never breaking.
A heavy price to pay, every piece to pay shall come.
Not all with the mind to do, but come.
Words to head be the only shield.

A payment must be collected.
Someone that is precious knows too well, that true.
Held till the full amount, will let you see when it is.

I think this is one of the best things I've seen from you, at least in my personal opinion. I can't see anything I'd change at this stage, this is really good. Keep up the good work.

[Mykalwane]

A Dot was mostly just me rhyming some words. Tends to happen as more as an exercise of the mind more then anything else. I do that ever so often so. Ride , Its Entertainment , Halloween Attempt , and A Sarcastic Wizard's tip are other examples of that. Sometimes it turns into something good, sometimes it doesn't. A lot of times it allows to get something out there. Which allows for something later on. A line or two for People in Shapes from working on that. It allows me to throw something to wall and see what is wrong and right. Much like throwing a jab alot to work on your hook.

Though I am wonder what your thought is on Drop if it should be
Hearts bleed, two droplets freed,
Wounds caused by an ebony bouquet.

Two drops in the sea,
free from their antiquity.

or

Hearts bleed, two droplets freed, t
two drops in the sea.


Wounds caused by an ebony bouquet,
free from their antiquity.

I am unsure since [mention=32476]Ioreth[/mention] comment.

Thank you on Maw's Bargin. Was one I had to work on for awhile before I could make Maw happy. Though that is the con of having a character in your head for so long. They tend to have a voice of their own. Which I think is part of why I think it came out well. If at all seems confusing that is because I had to tell the story of why Maw had been absent for so long without giving any clues to what is to happen in the RP because of that. Otherwise I end up spoiling the process of how to get there by telling instead of showing.

[Ioreth]

Yeah line 9 is the only thing I have a problem with. It could be so much better with something else to go there. This is just my opinion, however.

[Mykalwane]

I'll probably use the parts to create something new with. Been a good way to keep the mind active. Will have to go threw all the pms regarding the collab to see what else is in there.

Though what do you think might work well instead then?

[Ioreth]

Hmm. Give me a chance to ponder this. I will come back.