[CL] Some poems and junk

[Mykalwane]

Why don't you care for the ending rhyme?

Usually the coherency is one I have trouble with in everyday speech. I do have these moments of clarity, but nothing more. It might have more to the fact I was listening to this song over and over again. Just constantly in my head for hours, that when I wrote it the rest came forth. Thought there is this disconnect between my brain and my mouth, kind of why little scratches of thoughts is how I form things. The biggest example of this is why I call "Porky Pig" syndrome. Where I know the word, trying to say it, but can't. Often have to go with another word for it to make sense to others, because I can't say that word. Something that happens to Porky Pig of Looney Toons is why I call it that.

[Ioreth]

Hi! First off, I must compliment you on all these wonderful poems. You possess a refreshingly peculiar writing style that greatly intrigues me. They were a pleasure to read! Thank you for posting them, Mykalwane.

The one that stuck out to me the most was "Dance entry", and by 'stuck out', I mean favored. It's really the only one I felt I understood completely. Simple, yet refined. Yes, this one I enjoyed mainly for its imagery. I was able to envision these two people on a dance floor by themselves, under the light of an enormous chandelier, both swaying every which way to the music of love in their hearts. Good shit.

The only thing you should definitely change is 'sweat' since I'm sure you actually mean 'sweet'. And I know how you hate using 'like' but I wanted the last line to contain it so badly. I think it would work wonders in serving as sort of a bridge from 'seems' to 'fate'. Maybe help to mold them together a bit since with just the two words it feels like there's something missing, like they are struggling together, unattached.

Anyways. This one also caught my eye.

Destory's Worth.

Danced death don dearly defeat.
Armor anew to slew that adue.
Not knew it be for you too.
The day it say of dismay.
Today, love sails away.
Entangle hearts stay.
Lover do they slay.
Exponential decay.
Always to lay.
So you may,
My ray.

LOVE. Love love love how the length in lines decreases all the way towards the end. The only thing I don't get is 'My ray'. What exactly do you mean by your ray? Like, your ray of sunshine? I was confused about adue, as well. Not sure what you mean by that there. But the words in this poem seemed to fight in my mind as I read them and I suppose that is fitting since there is a lot of slaying going on.

The next one I want to talk about is "People In Shapes". This one is almost surreal. Amazing title, it's perfect, never change this. Awesome concept as well. It definitely embodies people in shapes. First and third stanzas are my favorite, especially the third. Funny, but I imagined you as everything looking down at the different shapes of people watching them exist and just being individuals. Lovely poem.

Now, I want to discuss "Gossip" for I am disappointed that you removed what I thought gave the poem some umph and helped to emphasize it's meaning. For example, you changed:

Simple they may, spread dismay.
Tear out the heart, put it on display.

To:

Though simple, may spread dismay.
Tear out heart, put on display.

In my opinion, you took out too many things and now it seems bare. 'They may' and 'the' and 'it' were helpful words to have because they smooth things out and make them more readable. Without these words, it's now rather robotic. Same for the rest of the edits. I felt the original was best. Then again, what do I know?

"Golden Gun" was good. I liked it and there's nothing in particular I would change but I do want to tell you what went though my head as I read it. It's the wild west and a cowboy with his golden gun has a bounty over his head so there's really nowhere he can go, but he is actually a decent dude despite being an outlaw. Cacti and stuff. Nice job incorporating some internal rhyme, by the way. It was tasty!

Ok I'm getting tired so here is the last one I will mention, "Blah Blah". The last line made me wonder, but I think I grasp what you were going for. Tall and short bicker, but they can't stop arguing enough to understand the other's point of view. It actually made me chuckle on the inside, for I am short and so I decided that short is the winner here. Heh heh...

Keep writing, keep posting! I'm watching you~

[Mykalwane]

The reason for why I didn't use like, is seems fate and seems like fate say the same thing. Appears fate for this date. Each entwine, on each body did they dine. Wouldn't sound the same with like. Like fate for this date. Entwine like bodies dine. That is why I didn't use like.

My ray does mean a ray of light here, but it also means conversions of rays in Hilbert space. The Medullary ray in the brain, or a portion of a line which starts at a point and goes off in a particular direction to infinity. The math version I had in mind. Though its every ray. It is also to read as the nickname to me. That something special that doesn't seem to make sense, but that is why it fits. I used adue which has the same definition as goodbye as far as I know.

[Mykalwane]

Another Jack related poem, this one inspired by last night's Adventure Time. Tends to happen when Marcelline sings. I have another I am working on trying to capture the rythem that sounds a bit better. I just need to find a rhyme for dolt since only thing I can think up to rhyme with fault. Though don't know if its dolt or doult.

For Jack

Leave,
not what I intend.
Wish it be resend,
wish not to offend.

Sent only to mend.
Hell fell, heaven's dread.

Others fled to play pretend,
Left to apend the end.

Hell attend my friend.
This we end, we defend.

Till death do we wed
Alls well in the end.

Dolt doesn't rhyme with fault, it rhymes with jolt, or bolt. Look at rhyming sites, they are usually pretty helpful in finding the right words. Now, let's see here. I don't watch Adventure Time but I know of it, except probably not enough to be able to fully grasp the meaning behind this poem. However, I did think it was exceptional despite my lack of familiarity with the show. The only thing I would say to fix is atend, because you left out the other 'T'. Anyways, good poem, Mykalwane.

Well with this poem, just served as the inspiration. Adventure Time is one of my shows I watch regularly. Marcelline was singing a song with Ice King, that made me think back to Jack from Mass Effect. In the game Shepard had left Jack to take the wrath for working with Cerberus. So had return to the Allience, and was on lock down for awhile. It wasn't till the Reapers, the big ugly in the game, invade is Shepard let loose to save the Universe.

"Hell attend my friend.
This we end, we defend."

Directly references this. Reapers being hell coming to attend. This they end, by defending the races.

With rhyme, it needs to have the same sound when said. About, lout have this for example by having the last syllables be the same. Dolt and fault would do this by there last two constants. Now the poem I am working on has the rhythm of a song Marcelline sings. or atleast I am trying to do. That one I will have a direct link much like with I'm your problem and Destory's worth so you can see why the poem was written as well as see more aspects of the writings you might not of seen at first.

I think the word Dread really sticks out in this piece. It is the only word up to that point that doesn't end the same way. I'm unsure if it's itentional to draw attention to it or if you couldn't think of a more fitting word but either way It doesn't really sit right with me for whatever reason. It does however rhyme with the second to last line which gives it a strange nature when reading. All but two sentences ending with the same sound and then those two ending similarly to eachother. It's unique. Actually, ignore what I said earlier, having re-read it I really like the fact that it fits and yet doesn't at the same time. The rhythm is really nice too, noticed that second time around.

[Ioreth]

Dolt doesn't rhyme with fault, it rhymes with jolt, or bolt. Look at rhyming sites, they are usually pretty helpful in finding the right words. Now, let's see here. I don't watch Adventure Time but I know of it, except probably not enough to be able to fully grasp the meaning behind this poem. However, I did think it was exceptional despite my lack of familiarity with the show. The only thing I would say to fix is atend, because you left out the other 'T'. Anyways, good poem, Mykalwane.

[Mykalwane]

Well with this poem, just served as the inspiration. Adventure Time is one of my shows I watch regularly. Marcelline was singing a song with Ice King, that made me think back to Jack from Mass Effect. In the game Shepard had left Jack to take the wrath for working with Cerberus. So had return to the Allience, and was on lock down for awhile. It wasn't till the Reapers, the big ugly in the game, invade is Shepard let loose to save the Universe.

"Hell attend my friend.
This we end, we defend."

Directly references this. Reapers being hell coming to attend. This they end, by defending the races.

With rhyme, it needs to have the same sound when said. About, lout have this for example by having the last syllables be the same. Dolt and fault would do this by there last two constants. Now the poem I am working on has the rhythm of a song Marcelline sings. or atleast I am trying to do. That one I will have a direct link much like with I'm your problem and Destory's worth so you can see why the poem was written as well as see more aspects of the writings you might not of seen at first.

[Mykalwane]

Since I can't seem to find another rhyme for dolt or falt just going to put it up as is. This one is more from me trying to capture the rythem that Marceline has when she starts to talk. The bit in the Episode "I Remember you" goes a bit like this.

Marceline: (Frustrated) Ugh! (She drops the apple and just drops down and sits in front of the fridge. She rolls the apple away; the apple reaches the Omnichord and turns it on.) (Singing) You're so annoying, you pitiful old man. I'd like to help you, but I don't know if I can. I thought you were nuts, but you're really really really nuts. (Beat) Every time I move, eventually, you find me, and start hanging around. Just another lame excuse to see me. Man. It's getting me down. You know, I'm actually glad... to see you! (Speaking) Maybe I'm the one who's... (Sighing) nuts.

Now it doesn't sound like much written out. Here is it being sung.I just love that rythem she does.

Voice in my head

Why are you hanging around,
in my mind wearing a frown.
Always bring me down,
maybe it's my fault.

Every word is of hate you spout,
making me feel like land trout.
always filling me with doubt,
maybe I'm the dolt.

This is an interesting piece, and I like the rhythm. You always manage to make your stuff easy to read and I appreciate that about it Other than that, I had to google what Dolt means, and now that I know it makes perfect sense.

[ImmortalJed]

Hey, I had a quick look at your first post and your most recent two pieces are the first two on the list so I critiqued them first. Are there any pieces in particular you would like me to take a look at? If not I'll continue to work my way through them a little bit at a time. I should critique a game review at some point actually, you have a few games I loved on your list.

Why are you hanging around,
in my mind wearing a frown.
Always bring me down,
maybe it's my fault.

Every word is of hate you spout,
making me feel like land trout.
always filling me with doubt,
maybe I'm the dolt.

This is an interesting piece, and I like the rhythm. You always manage to make your stuff easy to read and I appreciate that about it Other than that, I had to google what Dolt means, and now that I know it makes perfect sense.

Leave,
not what I intend.
Wish it be resend,
wish not to offend.

Sent only to mend.
Hell fell, heaven's dread.

Others fled to play pretend,
Left to apend the end.

Hell attend my friend.
This we end, we defend.

Till death do we wed
Alls well in the end.

I think the word Dread really sticks out in this piece. It is the only word up to that point that doesn't end the same way. I'm unsure if it's itentional to draw attention to it or if you couldn't think of a more fitting word but either way It doesn't really sit right with me for whatever reason. It does however rhyme with the second to last line which gives it a strange nature when reading. All but two sentences ending with the same sound and then those two ending similarly to eachother. It's unique. Actually, ignore what I said earlier, having re-read it I really like the fact that it fits and yet doesn't at the same time. The rhythm is really nice too, noticed that second time around.

That's all for now, keep up the good work.

[Mykalwane]

With voices in my head, did you cheek out the song url attached to it. I ask, because it was one I was trying to capture a rythem I really enjoy. Not sure if I did it justice or not.

[ImmortalJed]

I did not, my bad. I'll check it out in a bit and then re read Voices in my Head.

[Royalnikx]

man your skills are good, i like them

[Mykalwane]

If you think it was good, it be nice for you to break that down. Maybe focus it on a single poem. Tell what you do like about it. Might give me an idea as to what you like.

Will respond to what you said Jed, but both songs kind of relate to that url. Both in different ways. Will respond to what you said after you've cheeked it out.

Been dealing with a crappy week. Things like my lunch being eatten at work, having to work the lot for 4 hours strait while it was busy till 11pm. Then I had to rush around to get groceries so in that last hour I could get the extra discount I got from working on Thankgiving, and expired at 11.59pm. Not till 2 or 3 am I done putting it up I head to bed, so I could get up at 8 so I could be at work by 9am. So this is poem came out of dealing with that crap.

Enemies Narrows

Bring rain of arrows,
hail of fire.

Ever it be dire,
we will smile.

Ever it be queer,
will take with beer.

Ever try to trash,
will glad to bash.

Ever what hell,
will never quell.

That be sure to tell.

It's good to relieve your frustrations with poetry. I commend you for that. Sorry to hear about work stressing you out, but at least you got a nice poem out of it. The first line is my favorite because it really sets the tone. Short and simple, has a decent flow, the title fits well, yeah... awesome job, Mykalwane. Hopefully things start to get better for you soon.

[Ioreth]

It's good to relieve your frustrations with poetry. I commend you for that. Sorry to hear about work stressing you out, but at least you got a nice poem out of it. The first line is my favorite because it really sets the tone. Short and simple, has a decent flow, the title fits well, yeah... awesome job, Mykalwane. Hopefully things start to get better for you soon.

[Mykalwane]

I got two days off ahead, and a new Adventure Time tomorrow. So happy then. Work always does this, just the added nature of Christmas. Its why Shopping with a Weapon is one of my favorite Christmas songs.

[Mykalwane]

One I was working on for the addiction theme. Just got done too late to enter. Oddly enough didn't have a title till I realized it too late for addiction. Where the title comes from.

Too Late for Addiction

Tentacles of tourcher flay flesh.
Tendrils of warmth wrap mesh.

Emotion raw, left fresh.
Heart crash, body thresh.

Heaven hails, body excels.
Hell hails, body fails.

Coffin lays wait to catch.
Others left to retch.

Too late for relief from reality.
Only another fatality.

If you had entered this, I would have known it were you. After reading your poems, I've familiarized myself with your style. It's different and I like that. I am confused, though... what is the addiction here? Or is it simply the result of addiction? I seem to get this feeling that the poem relates to withdrawal and the overall suffering caused by addiction, eventually leading to death. I must say, that last stanza was a great way to end it. Probably my favorite part about this poem, I think. Good job, Mykalwane. It's too bad you didn't get a chance to finish it and enter before the deadline...

This is awesome. I really think that if you'd have got this in on time the choice of who to vote for would have been harder. I really like the last two parts, although I'm not sure the term retch really fits. Although it's probably the best of the words you could have used instead. Also, I think it should say "Coffins lay" rather than "Coffin lays" and then add the In to the middle. Currently it seems a little odd, but again that could just be me, I often see things differently to other people.