Animeleague

Reine wrote:Line 1 - nice play on words (with the 'eye')

Reine wrote:Line 2 - speculation on immortality (if you know you are going to die, hwy not question it to see if the choice can be overturned?)

Reine wrote:Line 3 - this made very little sense to me. If you are not blind, you are left with sight. Or you're sight is in tact and you're leaving some place and sighing as you go. (No idea which you meant)

Reine wrote:Line 4 - pass should probably 'past'

Reine wrote:Line 5 - And now line 3 and 4 kinda make sense. If you are blind to what you ere seeing, something in front of you, you're either not paying attention or you're looking at everything else. (I think you were trying to describe glances at everything and not the things that matter)
Line 6 - went with Line 5

Reine wrote:Line 7 - my favorite line. You're describing trying to catch smoke in the manner of someone also trying to hold on to something they'd previously ignored or passed up.

Reine wrote:Line 8 - insert 'at' between 'pulling' and 'what'

Reine wrote:I don't think there's a purpose or point to line 4. If there's that much blood, I don't the person would be thinking about their hands. (You describe there being enough blood to stain your shirt so I'm imagining a gaping chest wound. You don't get that kind of blood from your hands unless you slit your wrists and hold them to your chest, trying to put pressure on the wound. That's my interpretation of that.)
Line 5 should probably be reworded. As readers we don't know that they've hissed in pain previously. There isn't enough background on the person for this to be necessary.
Line 6 is the best line because of line 4. I really want to know why this wound/injury is so insignificant but you appear to be on the verge of dying. At this point I think there as a definite change in tone and if not I can definitely make the argument for why it can be interpreted that way.
Line 6 and 8 was various stages of pain/dying. I didn't mind. Line 7 was very pretty.

Reine wrote:There's three that I missed. I'm going to split them up in different posts.

Twelve lines. Free verse. Some internal rhyme. Mostly story like. Simple language. Plain in content/nature.
That's the first things that came to mind after reading it.

I can't believe I'm about to say this but you can do without so much punctuation. I think I can become accustomed to your style. But your style is not conventional so for sake of argument hwy adhere to English conventions that don't work for you?

Some nights when the fight is over
I wonder,
why do I choose this way of life.

(Rearranged the first three lines to better accommodate less punctuation. The ending rhyme for the first two lines is not coincidence since you already had that internal rhyme going.)

Line 4 - remove the comma start the next line with 'that'

Yep that's about it.
(I corrected spelling mistakes/tense mistake and put them in italics. There were only two so don't worry.)

Reine wrote:I needed a dictionary to read this. It was a lot like listening to Aceyalone. Or maybe it was Canibus. I'm pretty sure it's Aceyalone though. An underground rapper known displaying his extensive vocabulary in his raps. That's what reading this was like.
It was very disjointed too. I changed the punctuation only to minimize the... disconnect.

I'm on the fence about this. Very much so... That third line. Something must be done with it. Keep the last line. Keep the third line. I just said get rid of the third line didn't I? Screw it! Keep all the lines! We'll work something out.


But seriously what were you going for?

Reine wrote:You alternate between ending rhyme and assonance like some people alternate between expiration and inhalation. Only you're a bit more chaotic with it. On the other hand, breathing is a very chaotic process. Which is saying something I suppose.

I italicized the meat of the poem. Rising action, climax, repetition. Very well organized actually. In spite of the chaos.

The only thing I'd suggest is changing the tense in the lines not in italics. Instead of He goes from land to land say 'he went from land to land'
You don't have to because what you have is fine. But if you want to leave people hanging and wondering.... yeah go for it

Mykalwane wrote:
Name: Maw Shepard Rong
Age:35
Race:Human
Appearence: Red hair in N7 armor on duty when off N7 hoodie with black pants. Out an about seen wearing a white t-shirt with jeans as to be as unidentifiable as possible. Allowing him to hide in plain sight. Always has a N7 Hurricane on his side and a knife in his boot. Carries two whenever on duty.

Status/Job: Human Specter, filling the role for Humanity is still thought of as a lark. No matter what has been done in the role the council still think of humans as brash creatures that has no mind to its limits. Used more often as the example as to why not to get involved in petty human affairs. Only used when all else has failed. Rong thought of the right man for the wrong situation, where nothing should work.

History: A warrior who has taken bullet for many while returning the favor in the head. At the Elysium colony took down Slavers after escaping "meat hooks" to save the commanding officer. Earning his chance for N7 rank. Push threw the worse conditions possible, often at his own fault. Elysium would of had him dishonorably discharged from the Alliance for getting his commanding officer caught if his actions did not allow him to rescue the capture colonist. Occurred because Rong was known as Dead Shepard to many Batarians. It became well known if you wanted a chance to kill a human to call one meeting Maw's description Dead Shepard. Krogans and anyone else wanting to take humans down a peg would call him a Dead Shepard. Known both as a joke and a hero to many because he has become one of the few humans to fight a Krogan to take down with his fists when a Krogan called him a Dead Shepard. Thinks it as an insult to have his Middle name be Shepard even though his actions have be similar to Shepard. The problem is he his forgotten for the hero worship of Dead Shepard. This is because his parents like many humans thought to have their child to carry the name of Shepard. Legend goes that when his parents suggest it as a first name he bit his mother in the face. Leading to his first name Maw. This is something that can not be proved, but every article written about him includes. Even police records do, most people see this as funny. Something that adds to his temper. A fury that he is more then welcome to share.

Class: Sentinel

Mykalwane wrote:
Name:Maw Shepard Rong
Age:35
Race:human
Appearance: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m77oz ... 1_1280.jpg with red hair. Often wearing N7 armor or his N7 hoodie when relaxing. When need of travel without his N7 armor where jeans with suspenders with a white t-shirt. Regardless of his wear carries a N7 Hurricane, a N7 Eagle, and a knife hidden somewhere on him.

Status/Job: Specter
Class: Adept
Abilities:
Barrier
Shockwave
Warp
Warp ammo
Dominate

History:A warrior who has taken bullet for many, while returning the favor in the head. At the Elysium colony took down Slavers after escaping "meat hooks" to save his commanding officer. Earning him a chance for N7 rank. Push threw the worse conditions possible, often at his own fault. Elysium would of had him dishonorably discharged from the Alliance. For getting his commanding officer caught he would of been court marshal. Only because he rescue the capture colonist did he avoid that. Occurred because Rong was reacted to some Baterians mentioning him as Dead Shepard.Lashing out with a shock wave attacked the group. It allowed the other Baterians to know his location and outnumber the two.He was known as Dead Shepard to many Batarians. It became well known if you wanted a chance to kill a human, you call one meeting Maw's description Dead Shepard. Krogans and anyone else wanting to take humans down a peg would call him a Dead Shepard. This lead to him being Known both as a joke and a hero. To many, it was because he has become one of the few humans to fight a Krogan hand to hand, and win. The fight occurring when a Krogan called him a Dead Shepard. Thinks it as an insult, to have his Middle name be Shepard even though his actions have be similar to the legendary Shepard.The problem is, he is forgotten for the hero worship of the dead Shepard. His parents, like many humans, thought to have their child named in honor of Shepard. Legend goes that when his parents suggest it as a first name he bit his mother in the face. Leading to his first name Maw. Something that can not be proved, but every article written about him includes. Even police records do, most people see this as funny. He would disagree, many see him as wrong on the subject. Something that adds to his temper. A fury that he is more then welcome to share with a very powerful shock wave.

The aggressive nature may be related to Eezo that effected him during utero.His parents researchers for Alliance Research and Development thought there research on eezo would have no effect. The odds being very low, and the healthy normal daughter born before Maw. The chances were thought to be of non concern. She contains an intellect that is absent from Maw. This is curious, since most of the Rong family had high intellect. Profession range from highly regarded scientist to mad dictator in their family.The family members having psychological problems along with this trait. Most have found ways to deal with this, only few that can't are the odd ducks. Look as an outcast by family members. Those that are find a familiarity with the more "Unprofessional" people. Something that does occur because of the outcast view by family members. Leading to many social problems that "unprofessional"people often have.

Maw does find healthy outlets for his anger, other then with his fist. He uses the aid of humor, gained by studying humor. Is rather unsuccessful at humor, since it often leads to fights. This was healthful when he would box. A fail joke leading to rage, that would lead his opponent to drop its defenses to unfocused attack. So he is at least aware this is how he acts when his anger is out of control.

His actions when that isn't the case he is thought of as a joke. The same actions saving lives is why he is consider a hero by many people. The tale that caught the eye of the council was of him saving a Krogan. Now this Krogan was the same that had fought him in a bar, named Nux. Nux a Krogan who had an vendetai against Maw for keeping a Salarain alive that was mark for death by the Blue Suns. Failing to kill the Salarain that testified, leading to the arrest of key members of the Blue Sun. This being the reason for being kicked from the group the Krogan saw this as "his honor taken away by a hu man". Been trying to kill Maw at every attempt he could.

This vendeti lead to an incident where Nux sent a false distress beacon to lure Maw into a ship set to destroy. The confrontation lead to Maw and Nux where both on low ammo. Maw seeing this as a "Mexican standoff" and wishing to end the confrontation laid down his weapons. Wishing to end things in a battle for honor challenged Nux to a fist fight with the words "You a krogan who can prove his honor or a Pyjak throwing dung?" Nux fired his last few thermal clips in Maw's shoulder before rushing him. Maw nearly missing Nux with a spin stabbing Nux in the eye. Confused and frustrated rushed into a console, that exploded on contact. Wounded and tired, the Krogan didn't let that tear him down. The Krogan rushed at him, Maw stood his ground not moving till the last second. Combining a warp with a left hook, slammed his left hand into the Krogan's throat. It broke his hand, but the Krogan fell. As second ticked off before the core would explore. Maw drags the Krogan to his ship, nearly missing the exploding of Nux's ship.

Maw not only brought him to the Cedile to be healed, he stayed with Nux to he awoke. Nux admitting defeat by Maw offered his life to Maw. Maw took that as grounds for being his friend. A tale that is told as a joke about human stupidity. The council seeing the joke as a mark of strength. Something that most members of the concil as impressive for a human. Seeing humanity as a joke, not matter what humans do, selected Maw as a Human Specture. Given the tasks that are considered the worst or impossible. Thought as nothing more the a joke. Humans still thought of as immature monkeys because of the First Contact War.



Weapons:
N7 Hurricane
N7 Eagle
M-97 Viper

noirre wrote:I think your latest reads a bit like a tonque twister. It's witty as far as such things go, but I feel the content of the piece was run over by its clever form. It's hard to grasp at what you wanted to convey and express.