[CL] Some poems and junk

[Mykalwane]

Pretty much notching out a spot to return to and post. It may be just once every couple of months or more. Don't know. Just figured I try so I have a place to return even if

it is to write stupid poems and junk. Some old some new.

Mal;poem

Vestal character idea

possible thing for fist

log; Fist journey 2

poem; Dreams misunderstood, Nightmares procured

poem; Journal's remain

Log; Fist journey 1

poem; cold husk

Character; Biddy

poem; Cocoon

character; Sussan Succulant

poem; Bad Punchline

poem; Bogart depart

Fist Hardback backstory attempt 1

poem; tapestry torn

poem; Doth decadents

poem; into the tomb

review, Junglebook

RP character Solomon

Words for a friend

review, DC superhero girls hero of the year

some sod

Gambit backstory for character that never happen

poem, some chains

poem, Just super

In case of pretty argument

poem, hermonica

fan fic, Held within

Fan fic, Why the salty Waffles?

review, the good dinosaur

poem, Not today

poem, removed

poem, Collection

Sol Flame, poem

descriptor, Emygdiomon

Digimon WIP

Descriptor, Toredormon

poem, Soft Purr

descriptor, Desesperamon

Descirptor, Aberantmon

Speech, For Furenal

poem, Dubious delicious deceit

Story, Baulk of Fox

Poem, Mo Ghile Mear

Poem, Boolavogue

Attempted Iambic Pentameter, Off Collar

Poem, There are 3 lights

Story. Bold she Rode

poem, Easy to figure

poem, Profanation Question

poem, Spicy Brain

poem, Pain in Sleep

poem, Mechromancer

writing prompt, Some scribbles

Poems, Door open

poem, Function Prologue

poem, Price of Tomorrow

poem, Relaxing

poem, Defying Gravity

poem, You deserves a chance to fly

poem, Dead man aren't in Plaid

poem, Batik pique

Story, Maw's Bargin

Poem, A Dot

poem, Drops

poem, Dim Monument

poem, Bebop of a Cowboy

Story, A Asimov thought

poem, Whiskey a single shot

poem, Grave met

poem, Life Ibidem

poem, We Ride

poem, Battlefield

poem, Down Below

poem, 3 Sea Be

poem, Too Late for Addiction

poem, Enemies Narrows

poem, Voice in my head

poem, For Jack

poem, A Sarcastic Wizard's tip

poem, Ride

poem, Broken bit

Song, Golden Gun

Poem, Try I

poem, I'm Just your problem

poem, Act your Best

poem, Blah Blah

poem, Dance Entry

poem, Gossip

Poem, Destory's Worth

poem, Awesome of Awesomesauce

Attempting a Halloween poem

poem, Its Entertainment

Story, People in Shapes

poem, Mind

poem, Drop

Poem, A Winning loss



Reviews

Dante's Inferno

Fable: The Lost Chapters

Jade Empire

Aegis Wing

Guilty Gear XX #Reload

Gears of War

Gears of War 2

Mirror's Edge

Kingdom Hearts

Little Big Planet

Murakumo: Renegade Mech Pursuit

Mass Effect

Too Human

[Mykalwane]

Well no I didn't proofread any of them. Just mostly a deal of finding some old ones I had written here and there. Wrote them on a scratch of paper here and there. First time I ever tried collecting them and putting them somewhere online or offline to show to others. Some like The Salty Waffle which is a Sugarshook fan fic may of been seen before. So thank you very much for commenting on it at all.

The stuff between the ~ is to show what is the writing and what may be commenting on. After Mind I was commenting on the poem itself. Didn't know if you notice this or not. Could of just of been the hour in which you were commenting, but with both of the quotes you added in my comment on the poem. Don't know if you did that on purpose or not. Just say so in case this wasn't noticed.

Line 1 - nice play on words (with the 'eye')

Thank you

Line 2 - speculation on immortality (if you know you are going to die, hwy not question it to see if the choice can be overturned?)

Well that is why for the first two lines. Good to know it hit the mark.

Line 3 - this made very little sense to me. If you are not blind, you are left with sight. Or you're sight is in tact and you're leaving some place and sighing as you go. (No idea which you meant)

Not blind, left to sigh. As in sighing the idea is that since you aren't blind to the idea you are left to lament if that makes more sense.

Line 4 - pass should probably 'past'

Well I was meaning the pass, as you pass by sidewalk. Not the past, as the past is not the present. You look up the how, but go pass the why. As though it doesn't matter. Though this might be the case of you refereeing to pass in the past tense of pass rather then the past in time. Sorry if this sounds a bit muddle.

Line 5 - And now line 3 and 4 kinda make sense. If you are blind to what you ere seeing, something in front of you, you're either not paying attention or you're looking at everything else. (I think you were trying to describe glances at everything and not the things that matter)
Line 6 - went with Line 5

Bingo

Line 7 - my favorite line. You're describing trying to catch smoke in the manner of someone also trying to hold on to something they'd previously ignored or passed up.

Thank you kind of the main reason why I call it mind.

Line 8 - insert 'at' between 'pulling' and 'what'

It does sound better, and you are right. Just not seeing why. So probably getting atleast part of what you mean.

I don't think there's a purpose or point to line 4. If there's that much blood, I don't the person would be thinking about their hands. (You describe there being enough blood to stain your shirt so I'm imagining a gaping chest wound. You don't get that kind of blood from your hands unless you slit your wrists and hold them to your chest, trying to put pressure on the wound. That's my interpretation of that.)
Line 5 should probably be reworded. As readers we don't know that they've hissed in pain previously. There isn't enough background on the person for this to be necessary.
Line 6 is the best line because of line 4. I really want to know why this wound/injury is so insignificant but you appear to be on the verge of dying. At this point I think there as a definite change in tone and if not I can definitely make the argument for why it can be interpreted that way.
Line 6 and 8 was various stages of pain/dying. I didn't mind. Line 7 was very pretty.

Well outside of line 7 I don't really like it. Though it doesn't seem to work without the rest. Not sure what to do with that since what I think should got rid of makes the part I like work.

[Mykalwane]

Dragons seem like a neat idea so trying my hand there. Though I think it is just random assortment of words masquerading scratches of thought. Not entering it, just seemed like a neat idea. Would only enter if I know I can pull something decent out my ass rather then the normal squirts of the brain on the subject. Maybe then I might toss my hat in.

~
A Sarcastic Wizard's tip

Fires of wrath seem out of tact.
Blades and age only abstract.
Clubs and bubs have no impact.
Words and blurbs for a heart extract.
For beast of heat to see defeat.
~

The title is pretty much the only way I think it could make sense. Probably should listen to My Girl and stop the rhyming. That just sounds like a huge heap of horrible. Better to be horrible crap then nothing I guess.

[Mykalwane]

As I said

NOT ENTERING IT. JUST SEEMED LIKE A NEAT IDEA.

Just thought it was a good idea try my hand with topic. I thought saying that was good enough to tell I am not entering it. Though repeating it with all caps might clue you in on that.

[Mykalwane]

Well if I left some why to show who is to sigh it wouldn't of rhymed with why. Even still just trying to get a rambling convergence of thought into something with the appearance of words. So I am glad if any even partly understands me.

~
Ride

Hatch a whack to a back, latch the slack.
All on track to lead a yak.
Kick back your sack, or you'll lack a rack.
Hark back off the beaten track.
Just ride for awhile with a smile.
Don't look with defile mind, just unwind.
Be here my dear while I'll steer.
~

[Mykalwane]

Well one it is a Sugarshock fan fic. So some of it because of the craziness of the source material. Most of it I don't really know how to make it shorter without losing much of the flow that makes it feel like the source material. I agree I need to find ways to make thing shorter. I kind of having the rambling mind. I said "Even still just trying to get a rambling convergence of thought into something with the appearance of word" which should be shorter. Just have no idea how to do so. Kind of why mostly trying on rhyming poems. The rhyming takes me awhile, so I tend to make them short because of that.

Most on "normal grammar/punctuation conventions" as you put it I don't know. Probably why I don't get what you mean. Most of what I understand about grammar and english I have learned by getting wrong. Then someone revealing what I did wrong. I really have no idea how I pass English in college or high school without learning the stuff.

Its deal is because it isn't it is, but attributes to an object. That is what I did wrong there? I only know that cause of It's Its

Also I am not the first to as you call it use "general/broad spectrum perspective" Steve Smith's poem "Not Waving but Downing" used it before me.

[Mykalwane]

Understandable, just wanted to point that I wasn't the source was all.

[Mykalwane]

Its kind of why I did write it. Thank you, though out of curiousity did you have no thoughts on Man with the Golden Arm or Broken Bit?

[Mykalwane]

Its all good. Just was wondering was all.

[Mykalwane]

There's three that I missed. I'm going to split them up in different posts.

Twelve lines. Free verse. Some internal rhyme. Mostly story like. Simple language. Plain in content/nature.
That's the first things that came to mind after reading it.

I can't believe I'm about to say this but you can do without so much punctuation. I think I can become accustomed to your style. But your style is not conventional so for sake of argument hwy adhere to English conventions that don't work for you?

Some nights when the fight is over
I wonder,
why do I choose this way of life.

(Rearranged the first three lines to better accommodate less punctuation. The ending rhyme for the first two lines is not coincidence since you already had that internal rhyme going.)

Line 4 - remove the comma start the next line with 'that'

Yep that's about it.
(I corrected spelling mistakes/tense mistake and put them in italics. There were only two so don't worry.)

Well first hand the reason it may not try to ahear to English conventions is that I really don't know them. Mark Twain the only one I really remember having his own twain when writing. Hopefully this is what you are referring to by simple language. Most of the poems I am thinking of while at work, just writing them down whenever they occur to me. Often write it down in my head, then transfer the thought to paper. Then from paper to internet. So they kind of happen similar to how I talk, if that makes any sense.

So how it should go base on what you say should be more about like this.

Some nights when the fight is over
I wonder,
why do I choose this way of life.
The fight is over,
won the girl,
why do I feel so empty.
Glory fills my glass like a beer.
Out the window I look,
wonder why all feels hallow.
Have all my wishes, yet I wonder.
Would I be happier if I lost?
Would I be better off without fame?
Would I be a hero only winning against the little guys?

I needed a dictionary to read this. It was a lot like listening to Aceyalone. Or maybe it was Canibus. I'm pretty sure it's Aceyalone though. An underground rapper known displaying his extensive vocabulary in his raps. That's what reading this was like.
It was very disjointed too. I changed the punctuation only to minimize the... disconnect.

I'm on the fence about this. Very much so... That third line. Something must be done with it. Keep the last line. Keep the third line. I just said get rid of the third line didn't I? Screw it! Keep all the lines! We'll work something out.


But seriously what were you going for?

You see that disjointed bit much like broken bit. The ones and Os out of line appear to be a crime. Over time the more you think the more it beats. I'll explain it a bit more.


Memories, skip discs filled in rack.

A skip disc tends to fill the rack of cds. Only a pile that often in denial, all the while. So you pull it out seems to smack wrong in your head because parts aren't there. A computer of the mind or of the desk, pulls memories from sectors which the information is contained.


Place then forgotten when needing. a head smack!

Often the memory is out in the unknown. As though it is completely forgotten. Trying to remember, but your brain feels like it has hit the wall.


Playing in fragmentation, only heard in regurgitation.

Only part of the memory is there, it is something you can put together. The parts that are from someone that kind of remembers telling you this.

Chains of pain, wishing unlock with keys in reached block.

Locked in this loop of pain seems to chain the mind, all the while. Which it could be unlocked by a simple reminder or a simple hint. That seems all but blocked.

When heard, as a joke sounds like a kick in the balls for a pun.

When it comes to you it out of place so useless that it fills with pain. The pain feels so out of place. Kind of like a joke made out of a play on words.

You alternate between ending rhyme and assonance like some people alternate between expiration and inhalation. Only you're a bit more chaotic with it. On the other hand, breathing is a very chaotic process. Which is saying something I suppose.

I italicized the meat of the poem. Rising action, climax, repetition. Very well organized actually. In spite of the chaos.

The only thing I'd suggest is changing the tense in the lines not in italics. Instead of He goes from land to land say 'he went from land to land'
You don't have to because what you have is fine. But if you want to leave people hanging and wondering.... yeah go for it

It was a song that started out simply out of friend trying to encourage me to sing at an open mic. Start out with the first
"
The man with the golden gun
always on the run

The man with the golden gun
nowhere to run

He goes from land to land
looking for a place to lay"

lay is about where I ended when I try. Keep working on it since it sounded to have some wight to the thought. Even though I don't get why I choice that to begin with, felt like something need to be said. The goes part felt more natural then went. It is an attempt at a song. Was the same reasoning afraid didn't seem to work but 'fraid seemed to. Took me about a year trying to finish it when I realized the start is the end. Probably would be called the chorus of the song. I don't know much on songs, so I may be wrong. Probably the only reason it has any organization is that, its a song.

[Mykalwane]

Kind of why I try to keep things short most of the time.

[Mykalwane]

Tagging, I don't really care for it. I don't use it when looking at other people's stuff. I said that this was for poems and junk. Songs being apart of junk in my book. Though what you gave as a critique, would it have been the same if you knew it was a song from the get go? I don't think so. Though what you did put up I believe would be an aid to writing in general. It helped turn

Name: Maw Shepard Rong
Age:35
Race:Human
Appearence: Red hair in N7 armor on duty when off N7 hoodie with black pants. Out an about seen wearing a white t-shirt with jeans as to be as unidentifiable as possible. Allowing him to hide in plain sight. Always has a N7 Hurricane on his side and a knife in his boot. Carries two whenever on duty.

Status/Job: Human Specter, filling the role for Humanity is still thought of as a lark. No matter what has been done in the role the council still think of humans as brash creatures that has no mind to its limits. Used more often as the example as to why not to get involved in petty human affairs. Only used when all else has failed. Rong thought of the right man for the wrong situation, where nothing should work.

History: A warrior who has taken bullet for many while returning the favor in the head. At the Elysium colony took down Slavers after escaping "meat hooks" to save the commanding officer. Earning his chance for N7 rank. Push threw the worse conditions possible, often at his own fault. Elysium would of had him dishonorably discharged from the Alliance for getting his commanding officer caught if his actions did not allow him to rescue the capture colonist. Occurred because Rong was known as Dead Shepard to many Batarians. It became well known if you wanted a chance to kill a human to call one meeting Maw's description Dead Shepard. Krogans and anyone else wanting to take humans down a peg would call him a Dead Shepard. Known both as a joke and a hero to many because he has become one of the few humans to fight a Krogan to take down with his fists when a Krogan called him a Dead Shepard. Thinks it as an insult to have his Middle name be Shepard even though his actions have be similar to Shepard. The problem is he his forgotten for the hero worship of Dead Shepard. This is because his parents like many humans thought to have their child to carry the name of Shepard. Legend goes that when his parents suggest it as a first name he bit his mother in the face. Leading to his first name Maw. This is something that can not be proved, but every article written about him includes. Even police records do, most people see this as funny. Something that adds to his temper. A fury that he is more then welcome to share.

Class: Sentinel

into

Name:Maw Shepard Rong
Age:35
Race:human
Appearance: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m77oz ... 1_1280.jpg with red hair. Often wearing N7 armor or his N7 hoodie when relaxing. When need of travel without his N7 armor where jeans with suspenders with a white t-shirt. Regardless of his wear carries a N7 Hurricane, a N7 Eagle, and a knife hidden somewhere on him.

Status/Job: Specter
Class: Adept
Abilities:
Barrier
Shockwave
Warp
Warp ammo
Dominate

History:A warrior who has taken bullet for many, while returning the favor in the head. At the Elysium colony took down Slavers after escaping "meat hooks" to save his commanding officer. Earning him a chance for N7 rank. Push threw the worse conditions possible, often at his own fault. Elysium would of had him dishonorably discharged from the Alliance. For getting his commanding officer caught he would of been court marshal. Only because he rescue the capture colonist did he avoid that. Occurred because Rong was reacted to some Baterians mentioning him as Dead Shepard.Lashing out with a shock wave attacked the group. It allowed the other Baterians to know his location and outnumber the two.He was known as Dead Shepard to many Batarians. It became well known if you wanted a chance to kill a human, you call one meeting Maw's description Dead Shepard. Krogans and anyone else wanting to take humans down a peg would call him a Dead Shepard. This lead to him being Known both as a joke and a hero. To many, it was because he has become one of the few humans to fight a Krogan hand to hand, and win. The fight occurring when a Krogan called him a Dead Shepard. Thinks it as an insult, to have his Middle name be Shepard even though his actions have be similar to the legendary Shepard.The problem is, he is forgotten for the hero worship of the dead Shepard. His parents, like many humans, thought to have their child named in honor of Shepard. Legend goes that when his parents suggest it as a first name he bit his mother in the face. Leading to his first name Maw. Something that can not be proved, but every article written about him includes. Even police records do, most people see this as funny. He would disagree, many see him as wrong on the subject. Something that adds to his temper. A fury that he is more then welcome to share with a very powerful shock wave.

The aggressive nature may be related to Eezo that effected him during utero.His parents researchers for Alliance Research and Development thought there research on eezo would have no effect. The odds being very low, and the healthy normal daughter born before Maw. The chances were thought to be of non concern. She contains an intellect that is absent from Maw. This is curious, since most of the Rong family had high intellect. Profession range from highly regarded scientist to mad dictator in their family.The family members having psychological problems along with this trait. Most have found ways to deal with this, only few that can't are the odd ducks. Look as an outcast by family members. Those that are find a familiarity with the more "Unprofessional" people. Something that does occur because of the outcast view by family members. Leading to many social problems that "unprofessional"people often have.

Maw does find healthy outlets for his anger, other then with his fist. He uses the aid of humor, gained by studying humor. Is rather unsuccessful at humor, since it often leads to fights. This was healthful when he would box. A fail joke leading to rage, that would lead his opponent to drop its defenses to unfocused attack. So he is at least aware this is how he acts when his anger is out of control.

His actions when that isn't the case he is thought of as a joke. The same actions saving lives is why he is consider a hero by many people. The tale that caught the eye of the council was of him saving a Krogan. Now this Krogan was the same that had fought him in a bar, named Nux. Nux a Krogan who had an vendetai against Maw for keeping a Salarain alive that was mark for death by the Blue Suns. Failing to kill the Salarain that testified, leading to the arrest of key members of the Blue Sun. This being the reason for being kicked from the group the Krogan saw this as "his honor taken away by a hu man". Been trying to kill Maw at every attempt he could.

This vendeti lead to an incident where Nux sent a false distress beacon to lure Maw into a ship set to destroy. The confrontation lead to Maw and Nux where both on low ammo. Maw seeing this as a "Mexican standoff" and wishing to end the confrontation laid down his weapons. Wishing to end things in a battle for honor challenged Nux to a fist fight with the words "You a krogan who can prove his honor or a Pyjak throwing dung?" Nux fired his last few thermal clips in Maw's shoulder before rushing him. Maw nearly missing Nux with a spin stabbing Nux in the eye. Confused and frustrated rushed into a console, that exploded on contact. Wounded and tired, the Krogan didn't let that tear him down. The Krogan rushed at him, Maw stood his ground not moving till the last second. Combining a warp with a left hook, slammed his left hand into the Krogan's throat. It broke his hand, but the Krogan fell. As second ticked off before the core would explore. Maw drags the Krogan to his ship, nearly missing the exploding of Nux's ship.

Maw not only brought him to the Cedile to be healed, he stayed with Nux to he awoke. Nux admitting defeat by Maw offered his life to Maw. Maw took that as grounds for being his friend. A tale that is told as a joke about human stupidity. The council seeing the joke as a mark of strength. Something that most members of the concil as impressive for a human. Seeing humanity as a joke, not matter what humans do, selected Maw as a Human Specture. Given the tasks that are considered the worst or impossible. Thought as nothing more the a joke. Humans still thought of as immature monkeys because of the First Contact War.



Weapons:
N7 Hurricane
N7 Eagle
M-97 Viper

Sure it still has flaws, but its a hell of a lot better then it was. That coming from your critiques. They seem to be more helpful if I explain the purpose after you give critiques so you can go off only what you read or interpret. That way you can give an honest opinion on how it is, rather then on how it is used. Something I am not sure you would of done if you knew the purpose of use off of the tags.

[Mykalwane]

Understandable, but I rather you judge that on how it looks or read. For all I know I may do something I have no clue what it could be categorized as. Broken Bits you called it similar to a rap. Had no idea I did that, just thought it was and apatite gleamed from the mind. Was nice enough to know it shined instead of riddled with grime. Something you may not of done if you judged it as a poem, but you did because you judged it to be a rap. Most of these are just thoughts slammed together to form the illusion of words. I am just glad when it gives the appearance of anything like form or structure. Any aid from an outside voice like yours just helps me with the next sentence I speak have hope in being understood at all.

[Mykalwane]

Is that words of dread or words of joy to spread?

[Mykalwane]

~
Act your Best

Base that be erased,
shows as it grows.
Blows show fire roars,
show none will know!
Sight pain is light,
blight towards others delight.
~

This one I don't know if the title matches or not.

I think your latest reads a bit like a tonque twister. It's witty as far as such things go, but I feel the content of the piece was run over by its clever form. It's hard to grasp at what you wanted to convey and express.

That tends to be the case. I do not kid when I say"Bash thoughts together in hopes they give the illusion of a sentence." I tend to suck at communication and English as a language. Any sentence that looks like a proper sentence, that is pure luck. I passed College and High School English without ever learning grammar. I just been told that's wrong enough that I could make it look like one. The time it was suppose to have been taught, I wasn't there. I tend to have trouble holding a grasp on the English language, when its the only one I can speak. Its only fragmented thoughts smash together to make a word for me to speak. The only hope that it might create something of worth is a quote of Miazauki. "The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos". Maybe from my fragments and chaos there be something of worth. Start writing and maybe it becomes something. Better then letting it rattle on in my head. Ever I do sit down and try to beat the words into a point, it is often miss. Still I got to keep on, eventually I might make good. You not having a good grasp on it, is about a good grasp I had on it. Probably why I don't have a chance in Poem of the month, but hell got to try when things aline.