[CL] Some poems and junk

[Mykalwane]

Here I have the secret meaning to see if anyone is clever enough to figure it out. Its there, but that a secondary nature to it. The main focus is the tale of these creatures. Which is why I made sure the reader could figure that out easily.

[Ioreth]

I don't think I am clever enough. But the 3 sea creatures are fascinating.

[Mykalwane]

Down below
~

A little smile
last along awhile.
Last until a foe
wants to make woe.
With a bit guile,
smite foe vile.
It only be so,
if sink down low.

Short and sweet. I like it. Though, I think you should have put 'a long' instead of 'along' because they mean two different things and 'a long' is the one that fits better. Also, l feel line 6 is somewhat strange. Those three words don't seem to connect. I guess, at the same time... it's characteristic of the piece?

I am partial to this. I like it. But i read it with some tense changes because my preferred choice is past progressive. which does work for this every step of the way.
That aside, I think you've been moving away from complete free thought to something that has more structure. i first noticed it with your battle piece and i am very impressed.

[Ioreth]

Short and sweet. I like it. Though, I think you should have put 'a long' instead of 'along' because they mean two different things and 'a long' is the one that fits better. Also, l feel line 6 is somewhat strange. Those three words don't seem to connect. I guess, at the same time... it's characteristic of the piece?

[Mykalwane]

Rhymes here to me are

smile to awhile
foe to woe
guile to vile
so to low

in case that is throwing off. Guile will smite the foe vile. That will only be so, if you sink down low. Get down to the same level as them.

With the along and a long, not sure which one it was. In my mind the smile is hanging along for awhile. Last along awhile, being the distilled core. Which sounds like along not a long.

[Ioreth]

'Along' means to come with. 'A long' would describe something, such as the duration of the smile.

[Mykalwane]

Well I tend not to be aware of my tense. So I tend to be be in present, much the same way as talking. Which most of my writing comes from. I am often talking it out, or speaking to myself in my head about something I am writing or have written. For the sake of sanity, my brain has voice for each section. The critic side, the chaotic side, the logic side, ect. Allowing me to use myself as a sounding board when in my own headspace. Now on the whole free thought, that still is happening. Some I am a bit better at hiding the seems. Most of the time before your post in the battle was me fiddling around with themes. Film noir, seem to fit best. Then just sat down and wrote. I'll speak more on it, when the voting is done. I don't want to say too much and compromise any votes.

3 Sea, be one of the few that there is a lost of structure that is away from the free thought format. Though that has more to do with the fact the word chose were done, so it could have multiple meanings, without the main meaning being compromised. If you read it as is, it has this light hearted story. If you think about the words, and why the word chose such as submarine only being called sub. That even though it starts out innocent Devil Ray, it only gets called a devil. If someone sat down and thought about it. I think they could figure it out. To do that, I had to have it very structure. I couldn't just pick a flow or a rythem to match it and it work that way.

[Mykalwane]

Battlefield

We dance as the bow, flow.

Movement to match the pluck.
Hoping for luck.

Arrows rain bring red rose.

Little hearts been pluck.
Too bad no luck.

Notes ranged for oppose, suppose.

Heart's been pluck.
Run out of luck.

Death ballet,
We play,
Today.

I like this piece. The fact that it has several small sections actually made me think of a battlefield, with several small fights going on at once. It had a nice flow, each part's unique again tying it in to the theme. I love the last part, although I personally think it should be Death's ballet.

I will do more at some point, sorry for being slow.

Oh, I really like death ballet. I almost feel as if that should be the title instead of Battlefield. It's a really neat combination of words. With ballet, I associate poise, gracefulness, elegance and femininity. But paired with death, it seems almost cynical... which I can dig. Today, We play. It's as if the ending is saying 'bring it on'. That was my favorite part of the poem, that last stanza. The ending of lives, the ending of this poem, they go hand in hand. It fits well. Good job, Mykalwane.

ARCHERY!
I put my favorite parts in italics. I think you could've added more to the third stanza (that single line). Or at least don't something different. At the same time I can appreciate the symbolism. Stanza six. I think you should've made pluck 'plucked'. Or pierced.

I absolutely love this new style you're working with. It has the same random/spaztastic/experimental feel as your early stuff but it has a bit more sensibility so it leaves less to interpretation but I love it.

[ImmortalJed]

Battlefield

We dance as the bow, flow.

Movement to match the pluck.
Hoping for luck.

Arrows rain bring red rose.

Little hearts been pluck.
Too bad no luck.

Notes ranged for oppose, suppose.

Heart's been pluck.
Run out of luck.

Death ballet,
We play,
Today.

I like this piece. The fact that it has several small sections actually made me think of a battlefield, with several small fights going on at once. It had a nice flow, each part's unique again tying it in to the theme. I love the last part, although I personally think it should be Death's ballet.

I will do more at some point, sorry for being slow.

[Ioreth]

Oh, I really like death ballet. I almost feel as if that should be the title instead of Battlefield. It's a really neat combination of words. With ballet, I associate poise, gracefulness, elegance and femininity. But paired with death, it seems almost cynical... which I can dig. Today, We play. It's as if the ending is saying 'bring it on'. That was my favorite part of the poem, that last stanza. The ending of lives, the ending of this poem, they go hand in hand. It fits well. Good job, Mykalwane.

[Mykalwane]

Battlefield was just the first title I thought up, and [mention=28471]ImmortalJed[/mention] summed up the reason why. Was one I didn't come up with a title till I was done with it. Though the reason why not Death's ballet, is that says the ballet is for death. It is a ballet of death, thus no needing ownership to death.

[mention=32476]Ioreth[/mention] it is nice that you say that. That was the reason why I felt it wasn't finished when I wrote We Play. So added Today to give it that bring it on feel you mention.

[Ioreth]

It does feel like it could literally be a ballet. If I were a ballerina, I'd have a lot of fun performing Battlefield because I can already think of ways it can be articulated with graceful, almost morbid, movements.

[Mykalwane]

Which is why it does have the shape of a bow and arrow. Not done exact or it probably wouldn't be as good.

[Mykalwane]

My cousin wrote to me saying

i would like to see you use a few less rhymes or rhymes that aren't exact rhymes.

for example, instead of "ray" and "say" you might use "ray" and "blame".

So tried for that. If you're wanting a poem just shot me a pm on what you want, and will try. Will go the same route of sending the poem to you, and if no response in 24 hours I just put it up here. This one had Johnston by Sweeney's Men for the inspiration.

We Ride

Down the road,Normandy in hand.
Ready for battle descend.
In the rear childhood sits.
Sweetness for world's dips.
Fantasy crew fight evil's stew.
Ready for fight true.
That be ride's guide.
Down the road we go for battle's sow.

I really liked this piece. The first line made me think of the opening to Mass Effect 3, with the little kid holding the model ship. From there, all I could picture was Mass Effect, which is possibly a shame if that wasn't what you were going for. I loved the rhyme and flow with this piece, as usual you've done a great job You definitely did what was asked of you. Keep up the good work. I'll critique one (or more) of your game reviews this weekend. ^_^

[ImmortalJed]

We Ride

Down the road,Normandy in hand.
Ready for battle descend.
In the rear childhood sits.
Sweetness for world's dips.
Fantasy crew fight evil's stew.
Ready for fight true.
That be ride's guide.
Down the road we go for battle's sow.

I really liked this piece. The first line made me think of the opening to Mass Effect 3, with the little kid holding the model ship. From there, all I could picture was Mass Effect, which is possibly a shame if that wasn't what you were going for. I loved the rhyme and flow with this piece, as usual you've done a great job You definitely did what was asked of you. Keep up the good work. I'll critique one (or more) of your game reviews this weekend. ^_^