[CL] Some poems and junk

[Ioreth]

If you had entered this, I would have known it were you. After reading your poems, I've familiarized myself with your style. It's different and I like that. I am confused, though... what is the addiction here? Or is it simply the result of addiction? I seem to get this feeling that the poem relates to withdrawal and the overall suffering caused by addiction, eventually leading to death. I must say, that last stanza was a great way to end it. Probably my favorite part about this poem, I think. Good job, Mykalwane. It's too bad you didn't get a chance to finish it and enter before the deadline...

[Mykalwane]

It happens. Though I think going the route of trying each month helps. Even if I am not able to enter.

This one relates to these underwater characters I had drawn. Been doodling them so started writing something with them.

3 Sea be

Under the sea
there be friends, three.
Angel fish, sub, and Devil ray.
Together through whatever may.

Angel of reason, Devil of lust.
Never know who to trust.
When fear arise, reason leave.
Lust of curiosity would proceed.

So when a foe would enter.
Sub and Devil be at the center.
The adventures of the day,
together be the craze.

Angel away from what may,
Devil be the one to stay.
Together they would find a way.

Angel would return with disdain.
Devil say the Sub was to blame.
Sub would shake head,
be the one to mend.

Another day under the sea,
to see what be.

This is another example of how good you are. Lust of curiosity would proceed is an epic line, really enjoy it. The rhythm for this changes between stanzas (but that isn't necessarily a bad thing) You say you wrote this based on characters you drew? I'd like to see them at some point

I like the sea creatures, Mykal. There is an abstractness about them. Why not add some color? And the poem, it was good too. Both seem to fit each other.

[ImmortalJed]

Will you stop writing new things, I can't keep up

Under the sea
there be friends, three.
Angel fish, sub, and Devil ray.
Together through whatever may.

Angel of reason, Devil of lust.
Never know who to trust.
When fear arise, reason leave.
Lust of curiosity would proceed.

So when a foe would enter.
Sub and Devil be at the center.
The adventures of the day,
together be the craze.

Angel away from what may,
Devil be the one to stay.
Together they would find a way.

Angel would return with disdain.
Devil say the Sub was to blame.
Sub would shake head,
be the one to mend.

Another day under the sea,
to see what be.

This is another example of how good you are. Lust of curiosity would proceed is an epic line, really enjoy it. The rhythm for this changes between stanzas (but that isn't necessarily a bad thing) You say you wrote this based on characters you drew? I'd like to see them at some point

Too Late for Addiction

Tentacles of tourcher flay flesh.
Tendrils of warmth wrap mesh.

Emotion raw, left fresh.
Heart crash, body thresh.

Heaven hails, body excels.
Hell hails, body fails.

Coffin lays wait to catch.
Others left to retch.

Too late for relief from reality.
Only another fatality.

This is awesome. I really think that if you'd have got this in on time the choice of who to vote for would have been harder. I really like the last two parts, although I'm not sure the term retch really fits. Although it's probably the best of the words you could have used instead. Also, I think it should say "Coffins lay" rather than "Coffin lays" and then add the In to the middle. Currently it seems a little odd, but again that could just be me, I often see things differently to other people.

I'll try to get more done this weekend, just in an attempt to catch up with you a little more really. You seem to write two more for every two I critique XD

[Mykalwane]

I did hyperlink it. Where it says these underwater characters, if you click on it it links to the drawing. There is a couple of comics with them. Even tried a story arch till I wrote myself into a corner. Couldn't figure out what to do. Maybe if I had any inspiration to draw I would. Though these days I don't feel like drawing. Sorry about writing too much. Been dealing with the Christmas rush at work. I keep a little notebook in my pocket that I write poems or just write down rhyming words. From that I am able to write a poem. The rhyming words are about the same as doodling to someone else. Kind of why I keep humming Shopping with a weapon as I work. Rythem is one of those things I tend not to pay attention to. Those that I do I have difficult with it. I tend not to be able to consciously do it. Once in a while I do it, but I have no idea how most of the time.

You are right with me needing to add in next to wait. I disagree with you on coffin to coffins. In my mind this is talking about a single person. That is the reason for body thresh, rather then bodies thresh. Though dealing with Thanksgiving last month is why I didn't turn in Too Late for Addiction on time. Busy at work, and busy with family. Though can't wait for Christmas day. Is the one day of the year the store closes, and when I work on Christmas Eve I get the joy of telling people we are close.

[Ioreth]

I like the sea creatures, Mykal. There is an abstractness about them. Why not add some color? And the poem, it was good too. Both seem to fit each other.

[Mykalwane]

Anything I did that had color in it, and look good, took over a year of me working on it. Its why most of my drawings are in black and white. Though I am wondering if you got the other layer of it [mention=32476]Hatsumomo[/mention] .

[Ioreth]

That just means you need to practice. And what do you mean by the other layer? =\

[Mykalwane]

To the poem. I am not going to say what it is, but it is more then what it appears on the surface.

[Ioreth]

I must have missed it. Please tell me!

[Mykalwane]

The only clue I will give is the words. I won't tell on the grounds I don't want to ruin meaning. If you can pick it up, you get one meaning of the poem that reading it. If you can't you get a different meaning. I only bring it up, because you say that poems can be more then the words. You said that about Vase Place. If I did it well others will pick it up, if I did not others won't pick it up.

[Ioreth]

Ok. I'll mull it over then.

[Mykalwane]

Groovy

[Ioreth]

Read it several times, and am still drawing a blank here... ;_;

[Mykalwane]

I understand, but that is because I didn't point it out. Give some clue as to what it is. If I did it wouldn't appear as it does. A poem that can be more then it is, if interpreted another way. Something you claim in many of your poems. Its under the surface much like the sea. I made it a point not to give a clue to it outside of the word usage. If someone gets it, they get it. If not they get a completely different poem about some creatures. Though you can see why I often say there is a need to show some clue to lead to its meaning. Otherwise it gets lost to the reader. Here you can see it illustrated.

[Ioreth]

You've made your point with that, Mykalwane. But I never had the reader in mind when I planned the secret meaning. It was mostly just for me.