[CL] Some poems and junk

[craigatron]

Hi Mykalwane, Ages ago I said I would come and review something and I never did. Bad bad mr burton. I am however here and ready. Having read Reines critiquing rants I thought I would get stuck in.
I figured I would look at one of your poems and one of your reviews.

I picked Gossip. I clicked on it because of the title, on whim. Why not. I really like it. I like the rhythm. What I'm going to try and do is find things I don't like things that could improve...

Beyond the flight of the night.
Little specks filled with fright.

Whispers in the ear, my dear.

Simple they may, spread dismay.
Tear out the heart, put it on display.

The devilish tongue, break where they belong.

Simple word, seem a blur.
Turning all, into a slur.
~

I like the simplicity of it. Gossip in it's nature is a simple thing but potentially very damaging so it works. A few words here a few there bam- someone ruined or in tears.
The few changes from the above I would make are:

Though simple, they may spread dismay.
Tear out the heart, put it on display.

I just felt that way it seemed to make more sense and fit the rhythm a little better.

in the last couplet you need to change word or seem into words or seems. This is dependant on whether or not you are trying to place emphasis on how little actually needs to be said to cause trouble if that makes sense. My opinion would be words in which case, for the spoken rhythm, I would add the word they for pronunciation.
Thus it becomes

Simple words, they seem a blur.
Turning all into a slur.

I would lose the comma in that last line.


This line:
The devilish tongue, break where they belong.

I feel it should change but I don't know how. It sticks out as odd and out of place but at once seems to sum it all up. I honestly don't know what to suggest perhaps others may have an idea. It just doesn't quite sit well with me. It's between tongue, break. It feels quite blunt. I don't mean semantically i mean phonetically the sound is blunt and sloppy. I dont know how to explain it but say it aloud and you feel a little like you are tripping over yourself which is a shame given the steady rhythm and pace of the rest of the piece.

Now, Im going to go and read a review...

[Mykalwane]

First off the link back to Gossip in case it got lost in talking about it.

I like the simplicity of it. Gossip in it's nature is a simple thing but potentially very damaging so it works. A few words here a few there bam- someone ruined or in tears.
The few changes from the above I would make are:

Though simple, they may spread dismay.
Tear out the heart, put it on display.

I just felt that way it seemed to make more sense and fit the rhythm a little better.

Well how I came about was the sylables. Sim ple they may 4, spr ead dis may 4. Tear out the heart 4, put it on display 4. Now I may be wrong, but that is how I came to that. Now I think you are correct, it does kind a bit better. Though I think it might be better sounding if it went Though simple, may spread dismay. Tear out heart, put it on display. That stop with comma gives it more of a bam, as you put it.

in the last couplet you need to change word or seem into words or seems. This is dependent on whether or not you are trying to place emphasis on how little actually needs to be said to cause trouble if that makes sense. My opinion would be words in which case, for the spoken rhythm, I would add the word they for pronunciation.
Thus it becomes

Simple words, they seems a blur.
Turning all into a slur.

I would lose the comma in that last line.

How little be correct. Though why lose the comma, the purpose in this poem is the pause. When you read, the comma allows you to pause for a second while reading. That is the purpose here.

This line:
The devilish tongue, break where they belong.

I feel it should change but I don't know how. It sticks out as odd and out of place but at once seems to sum it all up. I honestly don't know what to suggest perhaps others may have an idea. It just doesn't quite sit well with me. It's between tongue, break. It feels quite blunt. I don't mean semantically i mean phonetically the sound is blunt and sloppy. I dont know how to explain it but say it aloud and you feel a little like you are tripping over yourself which is a shame given the steady rhythm and pace of the rest of the piece.

Now, Im going to go and read a review...

I think it is here that I need to remove the they and where. Break belong sounds like what I am trying to say here. Though the blunt and sloppiness here is kind of on purpose. Then again this is one I think when read sounds like something said at a poetry jam. A bongo playing, everyone snapping after a poem. Then again this is a poem where I was laughing after I wrote. I feel like laughing some more with the edits. Probably the whole reason why.

Beyond the flight of the night.
Little specks filled with fright.

Whispers in the ear, my dear.

Though simple, may spread dismay.
Tear out heart, put on display.

The devilish tongue, break belong.

Simple words seems blur.
Turning all, into slur.

[Mykalwane]

This is a story I had been working on, still am. It started out with simple drawings called People in Shapes. I think it is atleast to the point where I am willing to share it with others. Yes it does suck, but keep in mind the story came out of some drawings. Where the one, was literally just the number one.
~
People in Shapes
~
Across the block, you hear the noise of feet.
All of the clock, to each foot there's a beat.

A note that floats, into its own troupe.
Finds a shape to take, so it can coupe.

Each person I know, finds a form.
All have a shape, which to conform.

Each shape has its mate to take.
Leaving a dot to feel a mistake.

Dot a spot, uniquely left to rot.

Without a shape to take.
Left to find its fate.

As it roam, did it fine home.
Never alone, be the tome.

Among others, dot was smother.
Never someone, only another.

Then came a one, where self was won.

Took from the clutter, felt a lubber.
Alone dot shudder, felt a clatter.

This time not alone, one friend known.
To the wind blown, did they flown.

Some day soon, was known true.

A place to be, is there creed.
A way to be free.
~

You're normally very unconventional with your poetry. There's a disconnect then if you use highly unorthodox, seemingly random lines and try to impose some kind of structure upon them with a rhyme scheme.
The very first line was my favorite line. The rhyme scheme aside I liked this.
Each stanza is a couplet that focuses on a single message, and they all somehow intertwine to tell the story of conformity and individuality. It's a rather sweet topic.

(my opinion on people and shapes)

The next one I want to talk about is "People In Shapes". This one is almost surreal. Amazing title, it's perfect, never change this. Awesome concept as well. It definitely embodies people in shapes. First and third stanzas are my favorite, especially the third. Funny, but I imagined you as everything looking down at the different shapes of people watching them exist and just being individuals. Lovely poem.

[ImmortalJed]

Hey

I've decided that as I'm so slow and forgetful I'll critique your pieces a few at a time, starting with the two in your first post.

~
Mind

If eye is to die,
why not ask why?
Not blind left with a sigh
look how up and walk pass why.
Why be blind to what you see,
letting beauty die ignoring what be.
Grabbing whisps smoke, letting substance leave,
shifting earth pulling at what you use to be.
~
Mind inspired by Ayn Rand the line being
"You are attacked, not for any errors or flaws,
but your virtures."
~

I like this piece, you use very unique phrases in your work and it makes them stand out. Such as "Not blind left with a sigh" It's not something that other people would write. The rhythm is very good too, makes the piece easy to follow.

Drop

A drop of blood.
So much pain from something so small.
The blood stains all over my shirt,
wishing my hands weren't raw.
Struggling to move another hiss release.
How can so much pain come from something so insignificant.
Streching my body just to open the door.
Bleeding tears wishing I could of lost.
How can so much pain come from something so small?

How indeed? Another interesting piece, was there a catalyst for you writing this, something that inspired it? I'm intruiged. The rhythm on this piece is something I struggled with from my very first read, and I've tried several times to find one that fits. It might just be me though. I do like the repetition of "How can so much pain come from..." especially as you ended the line differently both times you used it. It seperates them while still giving the whole poem a cyclical nature.

I'll do the next few pieces in a few days, in the meantime I'll be around if you have any questions about my critique

[Mykalwane]

The first one, you copied and pasted my thoughts on it. Not sure if you meant to or not. Figured I mention it. Not blind left with a sigh, just something that came out of me trying to rhyme with mind.Some poems are just me rhyming. Riding and A Sarcastic Wizard's tip are examples of that. Though Act your best is the best example of it being used well. I tend to rhyme a lot, but that is simply because it tough for me to do. Kind of like counting the steps you take. Same activity for my brain to stay active and aware. You need to have something there, or else things that aren't suppose to be there start creeping in. I rather not say more, because I hate indulging the paranoid part of my brain. I enjoy finding ways that keep my brain away from there.

Drop has no rhythm for a reason. It may have an unintended rhythm. Each line is to paint the emotion of weakness, wounded. A beast howling that he lost. To emphasis with him. This pain that comes back to him, which is why the need for the cyclical nature. Painting this picture of how he felt, just opening a door. That was what I had in mind, and tried to just paint with words this visual in my head.

Keeps going back to that idea. Now since it sounds like a boxing lost to me, odds are I wrote this while watching Hajme No Ippo. Just filled with emotions. It also could be, and I think this is more likely, from when I tried to watch Wolf's Rain. Which all I got to say is, I couldn't get past the first disc. Its the only anime I was balling my eyes out on. Yoko Kanno does such a good job, and got me crying without any context to. Seeing it in context, just to damn sad and too close to home. Kind of why I am a bit glad I lost most of the Wolf's Rain soundtrack I had. Just so many made me cry when I heard it. Its one of the reasons why I love Yoko Kanno.

[Mykalwane]

Poems are starting to disapear from the first post. There might be a character limit that I am unaware of. So reposting some poems to keep them in the topic.

~
Mind

If eye is to die,
why not ask why?
Not blind left with a sigh
look how up and walk pass why.
Why be blind to what you see,
letting beauty die ignoring what be.
Grabbing whisps smoke, letting substance leave,
shifting earth pulling at what you use to be.
~

Mind inspired by Ayn Rand the line being
"You are attacked, not for any errors or flaws,
but your virtures."
~

Mind.



Line 1 - nice play on words (with the 'eye')
Line 2 - speculation on immortality (if you know you are going to die, hwy not question it to see if the choice can be overturned?)
Line 3 - this made very little sense to me. If you are not blind, you are left with sight. Or you're sight is in tact and you're leaving some place and sighing as you go. (No idea which you meant)
Line 4 - pass should probably 'past'
Line 5 - And now line 3 and 4 kinda make sense. If you are blind to what you ere seeing, something in front of you, you're either not paying attention or you're looking at everything else. (I think you were trying to describe glances at everything and not the things that matter)
Line 6 - went with Line 5
Line 7 - my favorite line. You're describing trying to catch smoke in the manner of someone also trying to hold on to something they'd previously ignored or passed up.
Line 8 - insert 'at' between 'pulling' and 'what'

Line 1 - nice play on words (with the 'eye')

Thank you

Line 2 - speculation on immortality (if you know you are going to die, hwy not question it to see if the choice can be overturned?)

Well that is why for the first two lines. Good to know it hit the mark.

Line 3 - this made very little sense to me. If you are not blind, you are left with sight. Or you're sight is in tact and you're leaving some place and sighing as you go. (No idea which you meant)

Not blind, left to sigh. As in sighing the idea is that since you aren't blind to the idea you are left to lament if that makes more sense.

Line 4 - pass should probably 'past'

Well I was meaning the pass, as you pass by sidewalk. Not the past, as the past is not the present. You look up the how, but go pass the why. As though it doesn't matter. Though this might be the case of you refereeing to pass in the past tense of pass rather then the past in time. Sorry if this sounds a bit muddle.

Line 5 - And now line 3 and 4 kinda make sense. If you are blind to what you ere seeing, something in front of you, you're either not paying attention or you're looking at everything else. (I think you were trying to describe glances at everything and not the things that matter)
Line 6 - went with Line 5

Bingo

Line 7 - my favorite line. You're describing trying to catch smoke in the manner of someone also trying to hold on to something they'd previously ignored or passed up.

Thank you kind of the main reason why I call it mind.

Line 8 - insert 'at' between 'pulling' and 'what'

It does sound better, and you are right. Just not seeing why. So probably getting atleast part of what you mean.

I'm not sure how many people will understand that. There is no indication of who is sighing. It lacks perspective.
On the other hand, you've seemingly invented what I will now dub 'general/broad spectrum perspective' which is different from omniscient in that your perspective is whatever you interpret it to be. Quite literally. That being the case, my previous comment is seemingly null

Well if I left some why to show who is to sigh it wouldn't of rhymed with why. Even still just trying to get a rambling convergence of thought into something with the appearance of words. So I am glad if any even partly understands me.

I like this piece, you use very unique phrases in your work and it makes them stand out. Such as "Not blind left with a sigh" It's not something that other people would write. The rhythm is very good too, makes the piece easy to follow.

[Mykalwane]

Drop

A drop of blood.
So much pain from something so small.
The blood stains all over my shirt,
wishing my hands weren't raw.
Struggling to move another hiss release.
How can so much pain come from something so insignificant.
Streching my body just to open the door.
Bleeding tears wishing I could of lost.
How can so much pain come from something so small?
~

I know not the best in the world but I like it simply
for the bleeding tears line.

I don't think there's a purpose or point to line 4. If there's that much blood, I don't the person would be thinking about their hands. (You describe there being enough blood to stain your shirt so I'm imagining a gaping chest wound. You don't get that kind of blood from your hands unless you slit your wrists and hold them to your chest, trying to put pressure on the wound. That's my interpretation of that.)
Line 5 should probably be reworded. As readers we don't know that they've hissed in pain previously. There isn't enough background on the person for this to be necessary.
Line 6 is the best line because of line 4. I really want to know why this wound/injury is so insignificant but you appear to be on the verge of dying. At this point I think there as a definite change in tone and if not I can definitely make the argument for why it can be interpreted that way.
Line 6 and 8 was various stages of pain/dying. I didn't mind. Line 7 was very pretty.

I think I liked Drop more than Mind. Mind as a textual visual stimulation of awesome proportions (if I imagine it was a picture and not a poem).

How indeed? Another interesting piece, was there a catalyst for you writing this, something that inspired it? I'm intruiged. The rhythm on this piece is something I struggled with from my very first read, and I've tried several times to find one that fits. It might just be me though. I do like the repetition of "How can so much pain come from..." especially as you ended the line differently both times you used it. It seperates them while still giving the whole poem a cyclical nature.

Boxing was the thing that inspired it.

[Mykalwane]

A winning loss
~

I wonder some nights,
when the fight is over,
why do I choose this way of life.
Why is it when the fight is over and I've won the girl,
I feel so empty?
Why is it that the glory fills my glass like beer?
Then I look out the window as I usually do, and wonder why
when I have all feels so hallow?
I have all my wishes, yet I still wonder.
Would I be happier if I lost?
Would I be better off if I had never had fame to draw a girl?
Would I be a hero if I won only against the little guys?
~

Comment found here

There's three that I missed. I'm going to split them up in different posts.

Twelve lines. Free verse. Some internal rhyme. Mostly story like. Simple language. Plain in content/nature.
That's the first things that came to mind after reading it.

I can't believe I'm about to say this but you can do without so much punctuation. I think I can become accustomed to your style. But your style is not conventional so for sake of argument hwy adhere to English conventions that don't work for you?

Some nights when the fight is over
I wonder,
why do I choose this way of life.

(Rearranged the first three lines to better accommodate less punctuation. The ending rhyme for the first two lines is not coincidence since you already had that internal rhyme going.)

Line 4 - remove the comma start the next line with 'that'

Yep that's about it.
(I corrected spelling mistakes/tense mistake and put them in italics. There were only two so don't worry.)

Well first hand the reason it may not try to ahear to English conventions is that I really don't know them. Mark Twain the only one I really remember having his own twain when writing. Hopefully this is what you are referring to by simple language. Most of the poems I am thinking of while at work, just writing them down whenever they occur to me. Often write it down in my head, then transfer the thought to paper. Then from paper to internet. So they kind of happen similar to how I talk, if that makes any sense.

So how it should go base on what you say should be more about like this.

Some nights when the fight is over
I wonder,
why do I choose this way of life.
The fight is over,
won the girl,
why do I feel so empty.
Glory fills my glass like a beer.
Out the window I look,
wonder why all feels hallow.
Have all my wishes, yet I wonder.
Would I be happier if I lost?
Would I be better off without fame?
Would I be a hero only winning against the little guys?

[Mykalwane]

Broken bit
~
Memories, skip discs filled in rack. Place then forgotten when needing. a head smack!
Playing in fragmentation, only heard in regurgitation.
Chains of pain, wishing unlock with keys in reached block.
When heard, as a joke sounds like a kick in the balls for a pun.
~

I needed a dictionary to read this. It was a lot like listening to Aceyalone. Or maybe it was Canibus. I'm pretty sure it's Aceyalone though. An underground rapper known displaying his extensive vocabulary in his raps. That's what reading this was like.
It was very disjointed too. I changed the punctuation only to minimize the... disconnect.

I'm on the fence about this. Very much so... That third line. Something must be done with it. Keep the last line. Keep the third line. I just said get rid of the third line didn't I? Screw it! Keep all the lines! We'll work something out.


But seriously what were you going for?

You see that disjointed bit much like broken bit. The ones and Os out of line appear to be a crime. Over time the more you think the more it beats. I'll explain it a bit more.


Memories, skip discs filled in rack.

A skip disc tends to fill the rack of cds. Only a pile that often in denial, all the while. So you pull it out seems to smack wrong in your head because parts aren't there. A computer of the mind or of the desk, pulls memories from sectors which the information is contained.


Place then forgotten when needing. a head smack!

Often the memory is out in the unknown. As though it is completely forgotten. Trying to remember, but your brain feels like it has hit the wall.


Playing in fragmentation, only heard in regurgitation.

Only part of the memory is there, it is something you can put together. The parts that are from someone that kind of remembers telling you this.

Chains of pain, wishing unlock with keys in reached block.

Locked in this loop of pain seems to chain the mind, all the while. Which it could be unlocked by a simple reminder or a simple hint. That seems all but blocked.

When heard, as a joke sounds like a kick in the balls for a pun.

When it comes to you it out of place so useless that it fills with pain. The pain feels so out of place. Kind of like a joke made out of a play on words.

[Mykalwane]

Golden Gun


The man with the golden gun
always on the run

The man with the golden gun
nowhere to run

He goes from land to land
looking for a place to lay

His eyes looking for another way
to see what he can not be

One eye traped in the past that last
one eye trapped ahead to keep his head.

Days of complete dread for what he said
stood up for those that could not stand

Knocked down the devil of the land
People stood up to jeer instead of cheer.

Chased the man from what belove'
'fraid what he become

Couldn't stand without a plan
all he could was ran

The man with the golden gun
always on the run

The man with the golden gun
nowhere to run

He goes from land to land
looking for a place to lay

His eyes looking for another way
to see what he can not be

Orginal Post

You alternate between ending rhyme and assonance like some people alternate between expiration and inhalation. Only you're a bit more chaotic with it. On the other hand, breathing is a very chaotic process. Which is saying something I suppose.

I italicized the meat of the poem. Rising action, climax, repetition. Very well organized actually. In spite of the chaos.

The only thing I'd suggest is changing the tense in the lines not in italics. Instead of He goes from land to land say 'he went from land to land'
You don't have to because what you have is fine. But if you want to leave people hanging and wondering.... yeah go for it

It was a song that started out simply out of friend trying to encourage me to sing at an open mic. Start out with the first
"
The man with the golden gun
always on the run

The man with the golden gun
nowhere to run

He goes from land to land
looking for a place to lay"

lay is about where I ended when I try. Keep working on it since it sounded to have some wight to the thought. Even though I don't get why I choice that to begin with, felt like something need to be said. The goes part felt more natural then went. It is an attempt at a song. Was the same reasoning afraid didn't seem to work but 'fraid seemed to. Took me about a year trying to finish it when I realized the start is the end. Probably would be called the chorus of the song. I don't know much on songs, so I may be wrong. Probably the only reason it has any organization is that, its a song.

[Mykalwane]

Golden Gun


The man with the golden gun
always on the run

The man with the golden gun
nowhere to run

He goes from land to land
looking for a place to lay

His eyes looking for another way
to see what he can not be

One eye traped in the past that last
one eye trapped ahead to keep his head.

Days of complete dread for what he said
stood up for those that could not stand

Knocked down the devil of the land
People stood up to jeer instead of cheer.

Chased the man from what belove'
'fraid what he become

Couldn't stand without a plan
all he could was ran

The man with the golden gun
always on the run

The man with the golden gun
nowhere to run

He goes from land to land
looking for a place to lay

His eyes looking for another way
to see what he can not be

[ImmortalJed]

The first one, you copied and pasted my thoughts on it. Not sure if you meant to or not. Figured I mention it. Not blind left with a sigh, just something that came out of me trying to rhyme with mind.Some poems are just me rhyming. Riding and A Sarcastic Wizard's tip are examples of that. Though Act your best is the best example of it being used well. I tend to rhyme a lot, but that is simply because it tough for me to do. Kind of like counting the steps you take. Same activity for my brain to stay active and aware. You need to have something there, or else things that aren't suppose to be there start creeping in. I rather not say more, because I hate indulging the paranoid part of my brain. I enjoy finding ways that keep my brain away from there.

Drop has no rhythm for a reason. It may have an unintended rhythm. Each line is to paint the emotion of weakness, wounded. A beast howling that he lost. To emphasis with him. This pain that comes back to him, which is why the need for the cyclical nature. Painting this picture of how he felt, just opening a door. That was what I had in mind, and tried to just paint with words this visual in my head.

Keeps going back to that idea. Now since it sounds like a boxing lost to me, odds are I wrote this while watching Hajme No Ippo. Just filled with emotions. It also could be, and I think this is more likely, from when I tried to watch Wolf's Rain. Which all I got to say is, I couldn't get past the first disc. Its the only anime I was balling my eyes out on. Yoko Kanno does such a good job, and got me crying without any context to. Seeing it in context, just to damn sad and too close to home. Kind of why I am a bit glad I lost most of the Wolf's Rain soundtrack I had. Just so many made me cry when I heard it. Its one of the reasons why I love Yoko Kanno.

Ahh, my bad I didn't notice that. Sorry. That sounds good, my brain tends to wander if I'm not actively thinking about things and it can lead to some nasty places. I may try to write poetry just to keep it busy

I'm glad it wasn't just me struggling to find a rhythm. Honestly, knowing it's not really supposed to have one makes it easier to read because I'm not trying to force a rhythm into it where there isn't one.

I'll do the next few pieces over the weekend

[Mykalwane]

Just read it as is, if it doesn't seem to have a rhythem. Odds are it doesn't have one. There are times where I have had a rhythem without meaning to when all I am doing is rhyming words. Happens a lot when talking too. Kind of when I hit the vane, I try to make it rain.

[Mykalwane]

Try I
~

A cherish right of I.
I be mine, don't try deny.
Looking with snide, filled with pride.

Us be we, that you see.
Bind by world be why.
That a lie, to buy I.
When in need, you'll see.
I be in your eye.

That's why I be mine.
That's why I'm not you.
~

[Mykalwane]

Adventure Time song inspired this one.
http://nudityandnerdery.tumblr.com/post ... d-cover-of for the link. The line "Its as though I am not a person, just the walking afterbirth of abortion," came about by listening to the song over and over. Then the rest spring forth from it.


I'm Just your problem

Nothing but a burden
Give you my heart to only to be mince
Nothing more then inconvenience.
Give pain its evince.

Its as though I am not a person,
just the walking afterbirth of abortion.

Abhorrence adorn avoidance all obtain abstain.
Favored memories leave the heart a blood stain.

Incursion of heaven.
To hell never to ascend.

There I stay because I'm just your problem.

i don't normally care for ending rhyme but for you in this moment it works really well. you have a great vocab to give this much more coherency than you usually strive for, and it doesn't feel forced at all.
and i particularly like the second stanza. it was perfect for me to visualize and coincided with some of my own feelings of abortion.