[CL] Some poems and junk

[Jigglypuff]

I think your latest reads a bit like a tonque twister. It's witty as far as such things go, but I feel the content of the piece was run over by its clever form. It's hard to grasp at what you wanted to convey and express.

[Mykalwane]

That tends to be the case. I do not kid when I say"Bash thoughts together in hopes they give the illusion of a sentence." I tend to suck at communication and English as a language. Any sentence that looks like a proper sentence, that is pure luck. I passed College and High School English without ever learning grammar. I just been told that's wrong enough that I could make it look like one. The time it was suppose to have been taught, I wasn't there. I tend to have trouble holding a grasp on the English language, when its the only one I can speak. Its only fragmented thoughts smash together to make a word for me to speak. The only hope that it might create something of worth is a quote of Miazauki. "The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos". Maybe from my fragments and chaos there be something of worth. Start writing and maybe it becomes something. Better then letting it rattle on in my head. Ever I do sit down and try to beat the words into a point, it is often miss. Still I got to keep on, eventually I might make good. You not having a good grasp on it, is about a good grasp I had on it. Probably why I don't have a chance in Poem of the month, but hell got to try when things aline.

[Mykalwane]

~
Blah Blah
~

To the height it is a sight.
To be below is not to know.
Each a blight in a fight.
Argue about being right, day and night.
In the end, all comes down to which bend.
~

Ok I'm getting tired so here is the last one I will mention, "Blah Blah". The last line made me wonder, but I think I grasp what you were going for. Tall and short bicker, but they can't stop arguing enough to understand the other's point of view. It actually made me chuckle on the inside, for I am short and so I decided that short is the winner here. Heh heh...

[Mykalwane]

~
Dance entry
~
Just me and your feet,
make such a wonderful beat.

Bodies entwine,
each sublime.

Across the floor,
to much adore.

Keep on spinning,
while were grinning.

Need not speak,
as feet sweep.

Nothing so sweet,
'cept that beat.

Hope to be mine,
if ever so kind.

Be no mistake,
heart to take.

Joyous wait,
seems fate.
~

I think yours was one of the poems I wrote something about. Seeing that the theme was dance, it was pretty cool that you did a rhytmic rhyming piece. However, feel that your poem would have benefitted from having a bit longer lines. The rhythm is so fast with the short lines that it doesn't have the pang it could have if the lines were a tiny bit longer and precise. I'm also a bit distracted with the cut words - for example, the 'cept. Would Except make more sense, sense then the syllable counts would match?

With all that being said, I did like your entry. I thought it was one of the best.

The reason for 'cept instead of except has more to do with how I wrote it. I was mostly writing it in my head, kind of singing it. 'Cept hit the beat in my head where except didn't seem to. The reason for it not being that long would go along with it. Being precise that might have to go with the fact that I have trouble being precise. It was a poem that had a beat, and not much else. This is one I was constantly working on for a month just to get it even this precise. Was arguing with myself for a couple of days if we're or were worked best. We are didn't seem to fit in as well as referring to what they were doing. Even still with all that work, the only thing I could do that worked well when reading it over, and over is the beat. Which is the most important thing about a dance. Regardless of how bad it might be.

A lot of couplets. Simple. Elegant. Neat. It follows the same uniqueness that your others do except it's not as wordy. Very minimalism. It sounds pretty but it lacks the sensory detail you normally provide. If that makes sense. It's very beautiful though.

The one that stuck out to me the most was "Dance entry", and by 'stuck out', I mean favored. It's really the only one I felt I understood completely. Simple, yet refined. Yes, this one I enjoyed mainly for its imagery. I was able to envision these two people on a dance floor by themselves, under the light of an enormous chandelier, both swaying every which way to the music of love in their hearts. Good shit.

The only thing you should definitely change is 'sweat' since I'm sure you actually mean 'sweet'. And I know how you hate using 'like' but I wanted the last line to contain it so badly. I think it would work wonders in serving as sort of a bridge from 'seems' to 'fate'. Maybe help to mold them together a bit since with just the two words it feels like there's something missing, like they are struggling together, unattached.

[Jigglypuff]

[mention=16632]Reine[/mention]: It's an entry he DID submit. To the one that finished already, you know?

I think yours was one of the poems I wrote something about. Seeing that the theme was dance, it was pretty cool that you did a rhytmic rhyming piece. However, feel that your poem would have benefitted from having a bit longer lines. The rhythm is so fast with the short lines that it doesn't have the pang it could have if the lines were a tiny bit longer and precise. I'm also a bit distracted with the cut words - for example, the 'cept. Would Except make more sense, sense then the syllable counts would match?

With all that being said, I did like your entry. I thought it was one of the best.

[Mykalwane]

[mention=36]noirre[/mention]

The reason for 'cept instead of except has more to do with how I wrote it. I was mostly writing it in my head, kind of singing it. 'Cept hit the beat in my head where except didn't seem to. The reason for it not being that long would go along with it. Being precise that might have to go with the fact that I have trouble being precise. It was a poem that had a beat, and not much else. This is one I was constantly working on for a month just to get it even this precise. Was arguing with myself for a couple of days if we're or were worked best. We are didn't seem to fit in as well as referring to what they were doing. Even still with all that work, the only thing I could do that worked well when reading it over, and over is the beat. Which is the most important thing about a dance. Regardless of how bad it might be.

[Mykalwane]

~ Gossip~

Beyond the flight of the night.
Little specks filled with fright.

Whispers in the ear, my dear.

Simple they may, spread dismay.
Tear out the heart, put it on display.

The devilish tongue, break where they belong.

Simple word, seem a blur.
Turning all, into a slur.
~

Edited version

Beyond the flight of the night.
Little specks filled with fright.

Whispers in the ear, my dear.

Though simple, may spread dismay.
Tear out heart, put on display.

The devilish tongue, break belong.

Simple word seems blur.
Turning all, into slur.

Hi Mykalwane, Ages ago I said I would come and review something and I never did. Bad bad mr burton. I am however here and ready. Having read Reines critiquing rants I thought I would get stuck in.
I figured I would look at one of your poems and one of your reviews.

I picked Gossip. I clicked on it because of the title, on whim. Why not. I really like it. I like the rhythm. What I'm going to try and do is find things I don't like things that could improve...

Beyond the flight of the night.
Little specks filled with fright.

Whispers in the ear, my dear.

Simple they may, spread dismay.
Tear out the heart, put it on display.

The devilish tongue, break where they belong.

Simple word, seem a blur.
Turning all, into a slur.
~

I like the simplicity of it. Gossip in it's nature is a simple thing but potentially very damaging so it works. A few words here a few there bam- someone ruined or in tears.
The few changes from the above I would make are:

Though simple, they may spread dismay.
Tear out the heart, put it on display.

I just felt that way it seemed to make more sense and fit the rhythm a little better.

in the last couplet you need to change word or seem into words or seems. This is dependant on whether or not you are trying to place emphasis on how little actually needs to be said to cause trouble if that makes sense. My opinion would be words in which case, for the spoken rhythm, I would add the word they for pronunciation.
Thus it becomes

Simple words, they seem a blur.
Turning all into a slur.

I would lose the comma in that last line.


This line:
The devilish tongue, break where they belong.

I feel it should change but I don't know how. It sticks out as odd and out of place but at once seems to sum it all up. I honestly don't know what to suggest perhaps others may have an idea. It just doesn't quite sit well with me. It's between tongue, break. It feels quite blunt. I don't mean semantically i mean phonetically the sound is blunt and sloppy. I dont know how to explain it but say it aloud and you feel a little like you are tripping over yourself which is a shame given the steady rhythm and pace of the rest of the piece.

Now, Im going to go and read a review...

I like the simplicity of it. Gossip in it's nature is a simple thing but potentially very damaging so it works. A few words here a few there bam- someone ruined or in tears.
The few changes from the above I would make are:

Though simple, they may spread dismay.
Tear out the heart, put it on display.

I just felt that way it seemed to make more sense and fit the rhythm a little better.

Well how I came about was the sylables. Sim ple they may 4, spr ead dis may 4. Tear out the heart 4, put it on display 4. Now I may be wrong, but that is how I came to that. Now I think you are correct, it does kind a bit better. Though I think it might be better sounding if it went Though simple, may spread dismay. Tear out heart, put it on display. That stop with comma gives it more of a bam, as you put it.

in the last couplet you need to change word or seem into words or seems. This is dependent on whether or not you are trying to place emphasis on how little actually needs to be said to cause trouble if that makes sense. My opinion would be words in which case, for the spoken rhythm, I would add the word they for pronunciation.
Thus it becomes

Simple words, they seems a blur.
Turning all into a slur.

I would lose the comma in that last line.

How little be correct. Though why lose the comma, the purpose in this poem is the pause. When you read, the comma allows you to pause for a second while reading. That is the purpose here.

This line:
The devilish tongue, break where they belong.

I feel it should change but I don't know how. It sticks out as odd and out of place but at once seems to sum it all up. I honestly don't know what to suggest perhaps others may have an idea. It just doesn't quite sit well with me. It's between tongue, break. It feels quite blunt. I don't mean semantically i mean phonetically the sound is blunt and sloppy. I dont know how to explain it but say it aloud and you feel a little like you are tripping over yourself which is a shame given the steady rhythm and pace of the rest of the piece.

Now, Im going to go and read a review...

I think it is here that I need to remove the they and where. Break belong sounds like what I am trying to say here. Though the blunt and sloppiness here is kind of on purpose. Then again this is one I think when read sounds like something said at a poetry jam. A bongo playing, everyone snapping after a poem. Then again this is a poem where I was laughing after I wrote. I feel like laughing some more with the edits. Probably the whole reason why.

Beyond the flight of the night.
Little specks filled with fright.

Whispers in the ear, my dear.

Though simple, may spread dismay.
Tear out heart, put on display.

The devilish tongue, break belong.

Simple words seems blur.
Turning all, into slur.

Now, I want to discuss "Gossip" for I am disappointed that you removed what I thought gave the poem some umph and helped to emphasize it's meaning. For example, you changed:

Simple they may, spread dismay.
Tear out the heart, put it on display.

To:

Though simple, may spread dismay.
Tear out heart, put on display.

In my opinion, you took out too many things and now it seems bare. 'They may' and 'the' and 'it' were helpful words to have because they smooth things out and make them more readable. Without these words, it's now rather robotic. Same for the rest of the edits. I felt the original was best. Then again, what do I know?

[Mykalwane]

What do you mean by sensory detail?

[Mykalwane]

Ah the painting of the world with words. Where each word is a brushstroke to show the shade of a thought.

[Mykalwane]

Well it isn't that hard to do. You just write, and bam, its done. Though a good bit has to do with thanks to [mention=480]Zhabroah[/mention] or Big Z as I call him. Helped to explain a whole lot of concepts with RPing that transfer over to writing. I still have a lot of flaws. Though most of what I know is just trying, and constantly failing to produce something good. Do that enough, eventually you will produce something good. Lyricist, no I don't think so. I tend to have a couple of good beats here and now, because that is what I do when I am bored. I just start rhyming or creating stuff in my head for entertainment. Most of them kind of go no where, like for example the story of The Assassination of Santa Clause. Something that could never get done on my own, but have a piece here and then. Death School is one that stars Vash the Banjo and Hanna the Hermonica. The two meet each other when Hanna is getting the crap beaten out of her by "The Bitches", and Vash comes charging in with his Banjo. Beats "The Bitches" up, and them running off to lick their wounds. Vash and Hanna becomes friends, where Hanna teaches Vash to beat "The Bitches" on their battlefield of song. It has no purpose, and goes no where. It just entertains me, because every time I hear some music I hate playing. Vash and Hanna are fighting a new song, and I have a new episode of theirs to enjoy in my head. Since each battle involves them battling paroidies, that sound horrible. One I kind of am tempted to enter in this month's PotM would be Welcome to your Doom. Problem be that I couldn't get it done by the due date.

[Mykalwane]

I take it, you aren't familiar with cockney then.

[Mykalwane]

Well with cockney, its an accent built on rhyming. Each sentence bends it to rhyming. Trying to simply talk in rhyme, hoping it would each time. Leaving a shine, that each be mine. Unless if by a mime. Then simply deny, for it isn't your supply. It has this charm, that seems divine. All that is needed, is apply. Doesn't matter how many times you try, you will get by.

In my head, I keep trying to do that.

[Mykalwane]

If every you want to know more, feel free to ask. I tend to have a why for most things.

[Mykalwane]

Been listening to the Mass Effect 3 soundtrack a lot. Keep thinking of Jack and Shepard when An end once and for all plays. I fracking love Jack, and hate that MalShep doesn't emote. For her I played with him. I know Liara should be it instead, but I love Jack too much.

Destory's Worth.

Danced death don dearly defeat.
Armor anew to slew that adue.
Not knew it be for you too.
The day it say of dismay.
Today, love sails away.
Entangle hearts stay.
Lover do they slay.
Exponential decay.
Always to lay.
So you may,
My ray.

First thing I have to say is the structure and organization is very alluring. The next thing is the rhyme scheme you have. It's a lot like a sestina (though this is far shorter than a sestina). As for the content, I'm not sure. I didn't like the 4th line because I think you used the wrong form of 'dismay' for the sake of your scheme, but at the same time I think people will understand what you did mean so it's not really important. I'm really thinking this is one of those instances where you this is better if you hear it than read it. But looking at it would make someone want to read it because of the way it appears to be triangular. It's very visually appealing. That's about it in way of a critique.

LOVE. Love love love how the length in lines decreases all the way towards the end. The only thing I don't get is 'My ray'. What exactly do you mean by your ray? Like, your ray of sunshine? I was confused about adue, as well. Not sure what you mean by that there. But the words in this poem seemed to fight in my mind as I read them and I suppose that is fitting since there is a lot of slaying going on.

[Mykalwane]

[mention=16632]Reine[/mention] birthday present. A pose with the use of Awesome and Awesomesauce. It was tough to do, just glad that it is done with. Taking a rest to listen to music is what finished it. Glad that Destory's Worth allowed me to figure out how to wrap it up. After "memory in repertory" was a bit stuck. Glad that those vocab words in English had some use here. Though it is a bit sad that I still remember this stuff.

Awesome of Awesomesauce

Awesome blossom in successive impressive.
Platitude allude to multitude obtrude plenitude.
Words obscure assure a couture allure of ablude.
Tapestry requisitory reliquary memory in repertory.
A word worn in adore lore.
Doss in the semigloss of awsomesauce.

I'm really sorry, and I don't mean to be rude, it could be me not understanding. But I didn't understand nor could I make sense of a single word of that poem. I feel awful saying this but I read it and re -read it. Please please, don't take offense.

"Words obscure assure" indeed! Many dictionary site visits! ^ _ ^

This is a dense wall of words, I wonder if it might be easier to digest if you put each rhyme on its own line?

As always, this is only my personal opinion, anything I said here you are free to accept or reject.

Thank you for making this easy to find.
I put the parts I liked most in italics.

Now let's see.....

Awesome blossom has assonance, a literary device a lot like alliteration (my favorite literary device) and makes me think of flowers.
The second line was insane because there was enough assonance to make me want to vomit a string of vowels riding a rainbow.
The third line sounds nice but is senseless. But it sounds so nice that I had to like it. This is one of those things I'll have to say randomly to my husban just to make him say "what"
Four line was probably the prettiestline ever. (For the same reasons I liked the 4th line) And again, it had more assonance than the sun has gas.
The fifth line was the only line that made the most sense (which is saying something)

Overall, I think I'm in love with this just because it was meant for me, is made up of words I love, has some quotable moments, and made me think of awesomesauce.

I love you Mykalwane
This was the most awesome of awesomesauce stuff I've ever had in my life. With your platitude of strange vernacular, and slightly crudely constructed fragments of fun. I love you, Hon. I adore you, and the way you lore me to your poetry with candy words in a bouquet of awesome blossoms and bright cherry red tapestries made of licorice, twizzlers, and other candies. Oh how thine sweet memory, now obscure and hazy with impressive drugs to make me crazy, once was worshipped with worn words wet with a semigloss as they passed my tongue.

I used...
12 words that you used...
3 instances of intense alliteration
2 instances of internal rhyme.
1 complete phrase that you used... (I used the same phrase twice cause I'm that awesome )
1 instance of assonance

Next year, the poem has to be a minimum of 70 words, contain the words "bird," "awesome," "sugar," "water," "blood," "crazy," and "magic." It has to have at least one instance of alliteration, two instances of internal rhyme, and should have a lot of imagery. As much as you think I can handle