[CL] Some poems and junk

[Mykalwane]

Well that is better then what I intended. Normandy is the name of my car. I tend to name my rides after ships that I have cherished. My last two bikes were Swordfish and Bebop. Most of this was actually created from just stuff in my car. For example "in the rear childhood sits" to me literally refers to me having Kirby and M3 Dog Tags that I have hanging from my rear view mirror. The first line came from me hanging out in the car listening to Johnston, while I waited in my car to clock in. I have a real affection for Mass Effect series, which is why I have so many linked to it in one way or another. Destory's Worth is one refering to Jack. The fact that the series wormed its way into my heart after the hate I stew for the first one is a testament to the work.

[Mykalwane]

Life Ibidem
Locked inside this frozen prision.
Traped left for acclimation.
Stone ice claymation.
Without any adequation.

Hope alive, for thoes inside.
Might give light to bright.
Klicket threw prong socket.

Such an event for little marryment.
Movement advent is attent.
Moving snowman's ascertainment.

I don't know if I'm right, but I think it is about a motionless snowman, doomed to stillness until it melts, but then the paranormal aspect is incorporated when somehow it becomes animated, however, discovers that movement is nothing special. I liked this poem the most because it made me think. I had to look up a few words to understand, but that's not a problem because I was curious about the poem anyways and what it actually meant. Reminds me of Frosty the Snowman, in a way.

Yes and no. It is about a motionless snowman, but the plug in kind that waves.

This one blew my mind, simply because I couldn't make sense of it. Sorry, but I have no idea what "Klicket threw prong socket." means. My CnC for this could be misplaced simply due to me notbeing able to understand something that may be blatantly apparent to others, so I can't fully give any sort of response for this one.

Klicket means "A small postern or gate in a palisade, for the passage of sallying parties." threw a prong socket like an electrical plug. Since that is the gate electricity flows.

This also is very nicely written. Very interesting words being used in this entry. This entry really reflects death creeping.

Weird since didn't intend that to be so.

[Mykalwane]

This one was inspired a bit by GunGrave and listening to Tiny Hero

Grave met.

On the wristwatch of an angel,
we race the hands of time.
Reality tries best to crush,
when we know the other is mine.
Let the world try its best.
We have others heart in mind.
No need for any lie.
We know the others sign.

Oh yea, I forgot the joke
with hands around my throat.
Love's your baroque.
Hide your feelings in this cloak.

On the wristwatch of an angel,
I race the hands of time.
Hurtful words slice my heart
Body fells so begrime.
Beautiful lies painted our world.
Bar me in your hateful whine.

Oh yea, I forgot the joke.
The madness of life.
Strength to advoke.
Wrath be the path.
Strike out to find my loke.

On the wristwatch of an angel,
do the hands of time race.
Hands tremble.
From what they deface.
Horrid actions
My life in their belace.

Grab a smoke.
Oh yea, I forgot the joke.
One last breath
Never wishing past be revoke.
Together in the end.
Bullets aline in each heart do we evoke.

[Mykalwane]

Whiskey Single Shot

Wishing, for it not.
Leaving my heart to rot.
Damn, was she hot.

Fire in her eyes.
Make a sane men cries.
Sweet sultry lies.
Too bad, all guise.

French feast, met its bise.
Fragrance words, met chastise.
Tossed ring, hearts wounds incise.
Love's demise.
Scorn apprise.

Want it all back.
Not this attack.
Spouting what I lack.
Words from your claque.

Heart filled fraught.
All for naught.
Thinking about what I ought.
Drinking, memories forgot.

Maybe I will with another shot.
Maybe I will with love's slot.

It's all I got.
That's my lot.

Whiskey, a single shot.

Mykalwane, I was impressed by your poem, just the same. I can't emphasize it enough, how incredibly hard it was to make a choice. Whiskey Single Shot had quite the impact on me. It reminded me of a sad country song inspired by heartsickness, although, unlike the music, it wasn't unbearable for me in the slightest. I enjoyed reading it and the theme was definitely well-executed. I liked stanza three best because I could picture a couple dining together at a fancy five star restaurant, wearing their most expensive perfume or cologne, and all the sudden a verbal fight commences so this very attractive girl throws her ring at the narrator, the one he gave to her symbolizing his love. It's over. Now the narrator just wants to forget her so he tries to drink away those memories that were once happy, but now very, very sad. The whiskey he drinks is strong... Yeah, I got some pretty intense imagery from this poem and I think that's why I want to vote for it. The only thing that really bothered me was line 5. It is grammatically incorrect to allow rhyme, but, imo, it would be better if it didn't, as long as it made sense. Other than that small hindrance, I believe this exceeded your expectations.

Thank you, thought that is why I am a bit proud of "French feast, met its bise." Since the french food meeting the cold air sets up the stage there.

Mykalwane, your description was just as good. The way you described the woman made me picture her, and the organization helped the effect of the poem. What I liked about your poem was the description of lust in the man; it was just perfect.
Mykalwane had the rhyme scheme down perfectly.

Thank you.

Mykal: For someone who considers himself to be bad at poetry, you always manage to impress me. Your poem is great, this is such a tough choice. I agree with Hatsumomo about the grammar part, perhaps "Even a sane man cries" would fit better? I thought this piece sounded like a drunk confession to the barman, particularly as you chose to end it with "Whisky, a single shot" It really fits the theme and I think it's this that has swung it for me.

That is because I have no training. Just read stuff,see what I like, and try to see if I can do it myself. Though that is probably why it starts and finishes the same way.

Whiskey Single Shot - Here we have the bottoming out of a soul, seeking something to fill the void, to ease the pain. Great imagery and I like how each line rhymes. But the short sentences seem a little too abrupt to me, giving it a sort of staccato beat. Maybe if you replaced some of the periods with commas and dashes, it would help sell the drinking by slowing everything down, mellowing it out without reducing the pain.

Yea, that would be doing something I don't know how to do. Commas I know how to use to create a pause and that is about it.

Whiskey Single Shot - i like the first 2 stanza, quite a bit, though the next three feel a bit force into their rhyme, like trying to push a water balloon into a smaller box, these stanza have good lines though and they convey the emotions really well, the heart ache, the pang of heart break and loss. and the last five lines are great, something i could see my self doing after having my heart broken.

Well that may have to do with that being the event that causes the poem. Which was the part I had the hardest time writing.

Mykal- You're work was punchy and catchy. It showed pain, and resignation. It seemed to focus on so many different points of view that when I was reading it I almost felt like I was taking a shot. That's a good thing by the way. I don't care about structure as long as the words grant me an image And this was an amazing image of a torn down soul. A worthy and very impressive poem.

Thank you, since that was the goal.

I like its brevity of verse... very cutting, like the throws and rejection of love

Thank you.

Mykalwane seemed to appeal more to me with it's repetition and imaginary all wrap up into one.

Thank you.

Myk, Your Rhyming felt forced and there were a few awkward lines in one or two of your stanzas (the biggest one was brought up by others already), that said, yours feels more Theme fitting and it reaches out. I also liked that you tried to rhyme to dive into the points or actions of a normal sorrow-filled drinker.

Thank you.

[Mykalwane]

Whiskey Single Shot

Wishing, for it not.
Leaving my heart to rot.
Damn, was she hot.

Fire in her eyes.
Make a sane men cries.
Sweet sultry lies.
Too bad, all guise.

French feast, met its bise.
Fragrance words, met chastise.
Tossed ring, hearts wounds incise.
Love's demise.
Scorn apprise.

Want it all back.
Not this attack.
Spouting what I lack.
Words from your claque.

Heart filled fraught.
All for naught.
Thinking about what I ought.
Drinking, memories forgot.

Maybe I will with another shot.
Maybe I will with love's slot.

It's all I got.
That's my lot.

Whiskey, a single shot.

Mykalwane, I was impressed by your poem, just the same. I can't emphasize it enough, how incredibly hard it was to make a choice. Whiskey Single Shot had quite the impact on me. It reminded me of a sad country song inspired by heartsickness, although, unlike the music, it wasn't unbearable for me in the slightest. I enjoyed reading it and the theme was definitely well-executed. I liked stanza three best because I could picture a couple dining together at a fancy five star restaurant, wearing their most expensive perfume or cologne, and all the sudden a verbal fight commences so this very attractive girl throws her ring at the narrator, the one he gave to her symbolizing his love. It's over. Now the narrator just wants to forget her so he tries to drink away those memories that were once happy, but now very, very sad. The whiskey he drinks is strong... Yeah, I got some pretty intense imagery from this poem and I think that's why I want to vote for it. The only thing that really bothered me was line 5. It is grammatically incorrect to allow rhyme, but, imo, it would be better if it didn't, as long as it made sense. Other than that small hindrance, I believe this exceeded your expectations.

Thank you, thought that is why I am a bit proud of "French feast, met its bise." Since the french food meeting the cold air sets up the stage there.

Mykalwane, your description was just as good. The way you described the woman made me picture her, and the organization helped the effect of the poem. What I liked about your poem was the description of lust in the man; it was just perfect.
Mykalwane had the rhyme scheme down perfectly.

Thank you.

Mykal: For someone who considers himself to be bad at poetry, you always manage to impress me. Your poem is great, this is such a tough choice. I agree with Hatsumomo about the grammar part, perhaps "Even a sane man cries" would fit better? I thought this piece sounded like a drunk confession to the barman, particularly as you chose to end it with "Whisky, a single shot" It really fits the theme and I think it's this that has swung it for me.

That is because I have no training. Just read stuff,see what I like, and try to see if I can do it myself. Though that is probably why it starts and finishes the same way.

Whiskey Single Shot - Here we have the bottoming out of a soul, seeking something to fill the void, to ease the pain. Great imagery and I like how each line rhymes. But the short sentences seem a little too abrupt to me, giving it a sort of staccato beat. Maybe if you replaced some of the periods with commas and dashes, it would help sell the drinking by slowing everything down, mellowing it out without reducing the pain.

Yea, that would be doing something I don't know how to do. Commas I know how to use to create a pause and that is about it.

Whiskey Single Shot - i like the first 2 stanza, quite a bit, though the next three feel a bit force into their rhyme, like trying to push a water balloon into a smaller box, these stanza have good lines though and they convey the emotions really well, the heart ache, the pang of heart break and loss. and the last five lines are great, something i could see my self doing after having my heart broken.

Well that may have to do with that being the event that causes the poem. Which was the part I had the hardest time writing.

Mykal- You're work was punchy and catchy. It showed pain, and resignation. It seemed to focus on so many different points of view that when I was reading it I almost felt like I was taking a shot. That's a good thing by the way. I don't care about structure as long as the words grant me an image And this was an amazing image of a torn down soul. A worthy and very impressive poem.

Thank you, since that was the goal.

I like its brevity of verse... very cutting, like the throws and rejection of love

Thank you.

Mykalwane seemed to appeal more to me with it's repetition and imaginary all wrap up into one.

Thank you.

Myk, Your Rhyming felt forced and there were a few awkward lines in one or two of your stanzas (the biggest one was brought up by others already), that said, yours feels more Theme fitting and it reaches out. I also liked that you tried to rhyme to dive into the points or actions of a normal sorrow-filled drinker.

Thank you.

[Mykalwane]

A Asimov thought

Once a thought,
thought of naught.
Then a body did it saught.
After a body a life of fraught.
So the body had a thought.

Why not create another.
Then there be a sister or brother.
Lead to a father and mother.
Seem grand for such a starter.
For a bit more did the body barter.
With one then another
Lead to a bother.

Time did came when the body falter.
Cast aside the part on metal altar.
Failing parts did it alter.

From man to metal beast.
Left with none to bequeath,
left the head to creased.

Took from the deceased
New creation was released
from what was fleece.

A gentle kiss, to give a spark.
Hope that it would start.
Ones and zeros did it remark.

Rules to be, did the body decree.
Simple one, two, three.
Then the world did it see.

The metal construction
had a simple deduction.

Wonder what to do,
when one, two, three go adieu.

A rather big obstruction
that coule lead to destruction.
Body gave this instruction.

When in need of that embarcadero,
one can be less then zero.

[Mykalwane]

A Asimov thought

Once a thought,
thought of not.
Then a body did it sought.
After a body a life of fraught.
So the body had a thought.

Why not create another.
Then there be a sister or brother.
Lead to a father and mother.
Seem grand for such a starter.
For a bit more did the body barter.
With one then another
Lead to a bother.

Time did came when the body falter.
Cast aside the part on metal altar.
Failing parts did it alter.

From man to metal beast.
Left with none to bequeath,
left the head to creased.

Took from the deceased
New creation was released
from what was fleece.

A gentle kiss, to give a spark.
Hope that it would start.
Ones and zeros did it remark.

Rules to be, did the body decree.
Simple one, two, three.
Then the world did it see.

The metal construction
had a simple deduction.

Wonder what to do,
when one, two, three go adieu.

A rather big obstruction
that could lead to destruction.
Body gave this instruction.

When in need of that embarcadero,
one can be less then zero.

This is brilliant. Honestly, I love it. The way you write is quite unique, and often times it can come across as having forced the rhyme but in my opinion everything in this piece feels right. Your word choice is impressive as always. I love the fact you used the word bequeath, it isn't used enough in my opinion.

Keep up the good work ^_^

[Mykalwane]

If I added more, the line wouldn't stand out like it does.

Arrows rain bring red rose; and, Notes ranged for oppose, suppose. These two go together, but are space out with the purpose of standing on their own. The need for suppose after oppose is to hark back to bow, flow. This is done with the idea that the reader will pick it up as.

We dance as the bow, flow. Arrows rain bring red rose. Notes ranged for oppose, suppose.

Since they seem out of place.

If it was plucked it wouldn't go with luck. Though this isn't a new style. It was one I used in Down below and Enemies Narrows

[Mykalwane]

Ok, though that sounds other then luck, you disagree with me.

[Mykalwane]

Groovy then.

[Mykalwane]

To quote King of the Hill, yep.

[ImmortalJed]

A Asimov thought

Once a thought,
thought of not.
Then a body did it sought.
After a body a life of fraught.
So the body had a thought.

Why not create another.
Then there be a sister or brother.
Lead to a father and mother.
Seem grand for such a starter.
For a bit more did the body barter.
With one then another
Lead to a bother.

Time did came when the body falter.
Cast aside the part on metal altar.
Failing parts did it alter.

From man to metal beast.
Left with none to bequeath,
left the head to creased.

Took from the deceased
New creation was released
from what was fleece.

A gentle kiss, to give a spark.
Hope that it would start.
Ones and zeros did it remark.

Rules to be, did the body decree.
Simple one, two, three.
Then the world did it see.

The metal construction
had a simple deduction.

Wonder what to do,
when one, two, three go adieu.

A rather big obstruction
that could lead to destruction.
Body gave this instruction.

When in need of that embarcadero,
one can be less then zero.

This is brilliant. Honestly, I love it. The way you write is quite unique, and often times it can come across as having forced the rhyme but in my opinion everything in this piece feels right. Your word choice is impressive as always. I love the fact you used the word bequeath, it isn't used enough in my opinion.

Keep up the good work ^_^

[Mykalwane]

Thank you though I am wondering your thoughts on how this differs from the poem. This is a story much like People in Shapes where this was had an intended end from the beginning. Here the idea was trying to convey the robotic laws in a story. Well you can't start there, so why not start with man. Which is why it starts out "Once a thought,thought of not." Since man started with just a thought, that only thought of nothing. Though sorry about the kind of force rhyming, "embarcadero" was all I could think of to go with zero.

[Mykalwane]

Bebop of a Cowboy

Oh, the way to heaven's staircase.
Hell be there to taste.
Juliet ready with bullet case.
Don't let a bullet go to waste
Leave behind dream's lace.
Spike ready to set the pace.
Please don't forget to play the ace.

This was an entry that I forgot was mine. So wrote a critique on it.

Bebop of a Cowboy, I think is a little on the nose. Trying to scream out "hey I'm on theme" without really knowing how. It isn't for a lack of trying. There is a good integration with the anime. Most of the lines do have a nod to the anime, "heaven's staircase" for example from the mushroom episode. "Dream's lace" may be reference to the movie. The most unique thing about it is that is there is a short sentence made from each line.

Oh,
Hell
Juliet
Don't
Leave
Spike
Please

The short nature of the poem must of been from that. If it went on any further, I don't think it would of been noticed. The only thing that is great about it might be that it is unique, not that it is good. Ace being the end sound for each line and the ending rhyme. All seems to be coming from a point of trying to hard to get the theme. It doesn't even seem to have a purpose outside of this contest, which is something that all the entries could do.

I like it it nice simply and elegant. It very easy to read as well with nice references to the anime. i don't really have a third sentence to explain why word sort of fail me but its the only one that sort of caught my eye.

[Mykalwane]

Done with [mention=32476]Ioreth[/mention] for the collaboration challenge. No real critiques, just votes. A bit of heads up there will probably be other stuff coming related to the collaboration challenge that was on the trash pile. So be using that to create something new.

Dim Monument

Open wound to sing death's tune.
With a single prick, lead to your doom.

You cannot,
Oppose the red rose...
But beauty does lack,
When turn the color of black,
through love thin as all thorns.

Pricking our fingers, how the feeling lingers...
And when we bleed, two drops are freed...
Both wounds caused by, an ebony bouquet.

Seconds tick away, corpses decay.
The earth drinks their vein's cabernet.

Need no poison for dear Juliet,
Or sword for Romeo, to inject.

Sable petals,
Decorate the graves of fate...
Littering the top of casket lids,
As they mark a love, this world forbids,
Skeletons are shunned beneath the soil.

Wrapped together in earthly remains.
Finally freed from life's chains.