No more tears shall drop from your cheeks anymore (Angelic Prime)
Posted: 05 Oct 2021, 20:31
So... Been a while hasn't it?
I've been umming and arring about writing this ever since i logged back into this account, i can; even remember the last time i had a journal, let alone fill it with anything even remotely meaningful.
for starters lets get the basics out of the way, I'm Prime, I've been a member here for a long time, almost 10 years, in that time ive been the head mod of video gaming. gaming, its my passion, i loved doing it but I'm glad to see its in great hands with Grace.
So for anyone who knows me, you may want to get comfy and get a coffee, because, boy I've been on a wild ride these last few years.
As anyone who knows me should know, i was a web developer starting in 2014 for a small company, i started there as an apprentice, doing my level 2 (GCSE C-A* equivalent) and Level 3 (A level) in Computer Science, i aced them, distinctions for every module. but i could tell the employer wasen't pleased with me, and clearly didnt like me, he was always dismissive of my achievements, including accusing me of cheating to get 100% in the module he hand selected me to do.
our rapport was fraying more as time went on, but because of the opportunities he gave me through the apprenticeship i felt like i owed him, i tried, as hard as i could to gain his approval, always falling short in some minuscule way and getting a "Talking too", he refused my request to go on another course for my level 4 qualification, the first part of a degree, i was crushed, and that's when my mental health started to become a problem.
I started to stay in bed longer when i could, dread even getting up to go to work. distance myself from everyone who cared about me, closing in on myself just to try and make the dread go away, it never works, no matter how hard you try. and a year after finishing my level 3, i made an appointment to get the depression and anxiety looked at.
after getting prescribed my pills and being put on the list to see a therapist (who i only got to see once, you'll see why soon) I forced myself to go to work, bear in mind, i never took time off for this, and only did for my leg issues i had in 2014. every other time i worked from home, i dedicated my soul to this job. And being the good employee i am, informed the boss of my current issues with depression.
I really, honestly regret telling him.
What took place over the next 6 months, was torture, he became even more critical of my work, every single misstep in my work no matter how small resulted in a dressing down, he forbade me going to see a therapist, started giving me warnings. initially verbal, then written, eventually resulting in my final warning. i fought hard against the current, over some misplaced loyalty, knowing full well what was going to happen.
And in April of 2019, it did.
I was crushed, at the lowest point in my life, i felt like a failure, like everything i ever worked for over those 5 years meant nothing. the Prime who went into that job with hope for the future and a smile, was dead, replaced with a hollow shell who couldn't look himself in the mirror. who had no idea what he was going to do.
And So began the rebuild. i forced myself to look for work, anything, i got a job with a charity fundraising group, feeling like i couldnt return to the industry i love, i wanted a change, while it made me a little happy due to the friends i made at the time, it was clearly not for me, i lasted a month, but what it showed me was, IT was the only industry i can ever feel happy in. so returning to my homeland of Wales, i sort to find a job in IT, one of the first ones i applied for, was a college, working in Computer Services on a Helpdesk. i applied, as i had what they were looking for, but felt deep down that i wouldn't get it.
I continued looking, finding other jobs that were good, but weren't what i wanted, needless to say, i need money at this point, so i applied. getting an interview for one, i felt i did well there, but sadly, it was me or another person, and they went with them.
2 months had passed, but all of a sudden i get an email. It was the college job, they apologised for how long it took to get too me, but i had made the interview stage. and could i come in 2 days, i of course, accepted, got suited and booted, booked another interview for the next day, and drove an hour to the campus. The interview went fine, i felt i messed up because i only mentioned the software side of my experience, not the hardware side, they said i would hear that day if i got the job, feeling i messed up I drove to my parents as it was half way there, feeling sorry for myself. no phonecall after 4 hours, so i decide to drive home. on the drive my phone starts to ring over the stereo in the car as i have hands free, and it was one of the people who interviewed me.
much to my surprise, they offered me the job, of all the jobs i applied for, i got the one i wanted. I almost crashed my car in shock.
I promptly accepted the job, and within a week I had passed my background check and started the job that i still have today. and here's the best part. Its an apprenticeship, so, after 2 years i completed the first part of my degree with a distinction. and now I'm working on the level 5. hoping in 4 years I will finally get my degree in Computer Science.
So, I'm still recovering, I don't feel like i got over the depression, but at this moment in time, I'm in the best place i can be, and hopefully one day, i will feel like my old self again, but i like where i am right now, lets hope it continues
Thanks for reading, and i hope no one missed me, too much.
I've been umming and arring about writing this ever since i logged back into this account, i can; even remember the last time i had a journal, let alone fill it with anything even remotely meaningful.
for starters lets get the basics out of the way, I'm Prime, I've been a member here for a long time, almost 10 years, in that time ive been the head mod of video gaming. gaming, its my passion, i loved doing it but I'm glad to see its in great hands with Grace.
So for anyone who knows me, you may want to get comfy and get a coffee, because, boy I've been on a wild ride these last few years.
As anyone who knows me should know, i was a web developer starting in 2014 for a small company, i started there as an apprentice, doing my level 2 (GCSE C-A* equivalent) and Level 3 (A level) in Computer Science, i aced them, distinctions for every module. but i could tell the employer wasen't pleased with me, and clearly didnt like me, he was always dismissive of my achievements, including accusing me of cheating to get 100% in the module he hand selected me to do.
our rapport was fraying more as time went on, but because of the opportunities he gave me through the apprenticeship i felt like i owed him, i tried, as hard as i could to gain his approval, always falling short in some minuscule way and getting a "Talking too", he refused my request to go on another course for my level 4 qualification, the first part of a degree, i was crushed, and that's when my mental health started to become a problem.
I started to stay in bed longer when i could, dread even getting up to go to work. distance myself from everyone who cared about me, closing in on myself just to try and make the dread go away, it never works, no matter how hard you try. and a year after finishing my level 3, i made an appointment to get the depression and anxiety looked at.
after getting prescribed my pills and being put on the list to see a therapist (who i only got to see once, you'll see why soon) I forced myself to go to work, bear in mind, i never took time off for this, and only did for my leg issues i had in 2014. every other time i worked from home, i dedicated my soul to this job. And being the good employee i am, informed the boss of my current issues with depression.
I really, honestly regret telling him.
What took place over the next 6 months, was torture, he became even more critical of my work, every single misstep in my work no matter how small resulted in a dressing down, he forbade me going to see a therapist, started giving me warnings. initially verbal, then written, eventually resulting in my final warning. i fought hard against the current, over some misplaced loyalty, knowing full well what was going to happen.
And in April of 2019, it did.
I was crushed, at the lowest point in my life, i felt like a failure, like everything i ever worked for over those 5 years meant nothing. the Prime who went into that job with hope for the future and a smile, was dead, replaced with a hollow shell who couldn't look himself in the mirror. who had no idea what he was going to do.
And So began the rebuild. i forced myself to look for work, anything, i got a job with a charity fundraising group, feeling like i couldnt return to the industry i love, i wanted a change, while it made me a little happy due to the friends i made at the time, it was clearly not for me, i lasted a month, but what it showed me was, IT was the only industry i can ever feel happy in. so returning to my homeland of Wales, i sort to find a job in IT, one of the first ones i applied for, was a college, working in Computer Services on a Helpdesk. i applied, as i had what they were looking for, but felt deep down that i wouldn't get it.
I continued looking, finding other jobs that were good, but weren't what i wanted, needless to say, i need money at this point, so i applied. getting an interview for one, i felt i did well there, but sadly, it was me or another person, and they went with them.
2 months had passed, but all of a sudden i get an email. It was the college job, they apologised for how long it took to get too me, but i had made the interview stage. and could i come in 2 days, i of course, accepted, got suited and booted, booked another interview for the next day, and drove an hour to the campus. The interview went fine, i felt i messed up because i only mentioned the software side of my experience, not the hardware side, they said i would hear that day if i got the job, feeling i messed up I drove to my parents as it was half way there, feeling sorry for myself. no phonecall after 4 hours, so i decide to drive home. on the drive my phone starts to ring over the stereo in the car as i have hands free, and it was one of the people who interviewed me.
much to my surprise, they offered me the job, of all the jobs i applied for, i got the one i wanted. I almost crashed my car in shock.
I promptly accepted the job, and within a week I had passed my background check and started the job that i still have today. and here's the best part. Its an apprenticeship, so, after 2 years i completed the first part of my degree with a distinction. and now I'm working on the level 5. hoping in 4 years I will finally get my degree in Computer Science.
So, I'm still recovering, I don't feel like i got over the depression, but at this moment in time, I'm in the best place i can be, and hopefully one day, i will feel like my old self again, but i like where i am right now, lets hope it continues
Thanks for reading, and i hope no one missed me, too much.