"We should duel sometime." - Joey Wheeler (Emotive's ALJ)

[Emotive]

Going to head to bed. Or try to again anyway... be back later on in the day. ^_^ Stay safe.

[Emotive]

Ugh. It's still not working. I laid there until 5am from some time just before 3am, so I've effectively been up all night. This is bad news... Maybe I'll fall asleep eventually.

[Emotive]

Ok, this time I'll just try harder. Attempt #3 at sleep. Wish me luck.

[Emotive]

Man, at least I finally got some sleep, but the voices are extra irritating today. That's never a good feeling.

[Emotive]

Going to play one of my favorite games. I'll give you $5 if you can guess which one on the first try.

[Emotive]

I'll be playing Forbidden Memories. Dad's home so I guess that cues whispering in the next room, and honestly I'd rather be downstairs if they're going to do that. So, time to play. ^_^

[Emotive]

Well, I beat Villager 2 and Old Man (the actual character's name in the guide I'm using) last time but couldn't save because I was in a Duel with the former. lol Here we go again though. Gotta beat "Old Man", Villager1, Villager 2, and Teana before moving to the next step,

[Emotive]

Ugh... Mental issue got too loud so I had to come upstairs to avoid talking to myself too loud in response to "them". I hate talking like that, but that's just how this mental situation is. It gets to be a bit too much sometimes... Anyway, "back in limbo" as Dante would say. Weird how that random memory popped up... maybe my memories are like behind mental locks that I just need the right keys for... there's been talk of hypnotic regression therapy (or whatever it's called) but I think my mind is too active to calm down enough to really be able to relax enough for it to actually work... So, still need to find the right keys I guess. Or it's like I know what keys I need to unlock those doors, but the locks keep changing before I'm able to use the keys for those locked memories.

How's that for a metaphor? lol omg, people would probably think I wore a tinfoil hat or something if they heard me say this stuff all the time. Saaad. The thing about paranoia, it makes it almost impossible to discern truth from what you -think- is happening. Right now though it's right on the edge of being able to tell... I mean, I think it is anyway. I don't think it's worse than that, but I don't usually assess a situation too well. Who knows? I wish I could ask someone that knows. Or just snap my fingers and be normal, not the difficult person people have been tolerating... but, I'm just not normal. In some of the worst ways. I'm slower to catch on than most, obviously there's a spectrum of autism that reminds me of part of my current diagnosis "high functioning" but I'm not sure if I'd really be "high functioning" anything. Trainwreck of a memory, the behavioral disposition of probably my adolescent years... even that might be a generous comparison though, but I'm definitely the opposite of any mature demeanor... And sometimes it feels like I'm writing my own eulogy when I'm typing about this stuff.

I can say that a big part of the overwhelming fear of a mental hospital is I've never actually been on my own. And when I was on my own it was some kind of place where I stayed because I was considered a threat to myself, but I don't really remember what it was, but mom keeps saying it wasn't a mental hospital. So, idk what it was. So, there's an "end of the world" mentality towards me being put in a mental hospital... most likely because of that, but the pandemic also adds to the paranoia of me not having a home to come back to if mom and dad get breakthrough infections, so then I'd be basically just lost and I wouldn't know where home is, I don't really know how to find it on a map, so I couldn't ask for a ride. I wouldn't have money either for a taxi or anything. So, it's all those things... culminating into one giant paranoia-fueled hopelessness. I mean, does anyone know what the likelyhood of 2 people who are vaccinated even getting it even is? Maybe if the odds were so marginally small I'd be able to not think like that... but if the odds are bad, that would definitely make my fear of a mental hospital even worse... Sooo... Not really sure what to do. Just stuck, but when I think about the future (or try to) it's just dark. I'm not seeing a happy ending here. Damn. Hearing voices for 17 years... that's just about half of my life. I know I feel the exhaustion. At 33 I feel like an old man, emotionally, psychologically, sometimes physically when I get some painful aches.

I guess we'll just see how things unfold. Can't really do anything about it if I were to be put in a 72 hour hold. Like, literally nothing I could do about it. So, wherever I end up is wherever I end up. Wherever that'll be. Y'know, it's about right that the voices got louder out of the damn blue again after I decided to come back. They're the invisible monkeys I can't get off my back no matter how hard I try. I think I could keep writing for a long time, but would probably just be me rephrasing things with other words to reach the same insinuation as what I've already typed up. So, I guess that's really all... I'll just see what happens. Can't do anything else.

[Emotive]

Ugh, I'm not risking that being taken the wrong way. These days it seems like anything and everything can be taken the wrong way. With my inept communication it's already bad enough to try to convey what I mean. So, nevermind about this one.

[Emotive]

I'd be surprised if anyone actually read either of those 2 really long posts. lol I hope someone does, but even if not, it's surprising how much it helps to just write things out.

[Emotive]

I hope I worded that right...

[Emotive]

Whew, filling out the AL Awards took a lot longer than I thought it would. Although I was also chilling with mom.

[Emotive]

I need to try to get some sleep. I stayed up all night with mom. xD Talk to all'ya later, stay safe.

[Emotive]

I'll be back later... or later than that, depending on if my suspicions are tainted by paranoia and nonsensical or I'm right. If we come back later today though then I'll have been happily proven wrong. lol We'll see. I wish I could sweep my mind for paranoia and just have it removed. That'd be perfect. Anywayz, be on sooner or later, hopefully today.

[Emotive]

Yyyyyup, paranoia fooled me into thinking I'd be snuck into a 72 hour hold again. lol This is so ridiculous. I'm constantly worrying about it but honestly the likelihood of it happening is slim, at best. lol So, coming back home without any such thing happening really is a sigh a relief when I come back home, but omg I could do without the anxiety of these paranoid thoughts.