"We should duel sometime." - Joey Wheeler (Emotive's ALJ)

[Emotive]

We'll be out shopping for presents for dad, so won't be back until you're all asleep most likely. lol Talk to you all as soon as I can.

[Emotive]

Well, mom turned around as soon as we got our of the town because she was too tired, so we're going tomorrow (December 22) to shop for presents for dad. Not sure when I'll get tired enough to sleep, but I hope it's soon.

[Emotive]

Might play ome Ken's Rage today. Or just go back to sleep. I'm tired enough to. But I also want to play the game too much. lol

Can't trust anyone in this house though. But the only alternative is to live on the street, which isn't practical. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to live on my own. Even if I could get a job I'd never be able to keep it with the issues with authority I have, and with being told what to do, and my horrible memory that honestly I'm lucky to remember if I did something the same day, sometimes I can remember 1 or 2 things from the previous day, but usually that's the limit. In short, I don't have the tools to work a job and keep it, let alone live on my own. It's not exactly flattering hearing people I'm supposed to trust above everyone else talking about me how they apparently are either though... kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Emotive]

So, I got the Avatar: The Last Airbender/The Legend of Korra combo pack complete collection on blu-ray. I got the new Dragon Ball Super Broly movie, and Crash Bndicoot 4 on PS4. Still got more presents to open though. With how we celebrate it, it's sometimes celebrated a few days later than actual Christmas. It's just how we do things though. Sometimes we celebrate Christmas kind of late, but it's just how things go with us. None of us wants to celebrate it if we're depressed or not feeling into it, so when we're all feeling good enough to celebrate it is when we celebrate it. I know it's not on the date, but it's just how things end up happening with us. I hope you all had a good Christmas.

[Emotive]

I may know that I can't trust what I hear, but the gut checks that come with what I hear aren't stopping. At least I know though to not just take it as reality though. Often paranoid thoughts are, as it turns out, just paranoid thoughts, and not based on anything actually happening.

[Emotive]

I just opened another present (still got some to open btw, our Christmases are longer than the one day, and no we aren't Jewish, it's just what happens with our holidays in this house) that turned out to be Yu-Gi-Oh! The Dark Side of Dimensions on blu-ray. idk how many other presents I have to open though.

[Emotive]

It succks having to wait sometimes, but if we don't feel like celebrating it then it gets really postponed, but at least this year it's kind of proressing from night to night. To not feel rushed. It's funny how sometimes I still think like a kid... but also sometimes frustrating when I have a tendency to be childish.

[Emotive]

I hope I can get some sleep tonight. I'm not optimistic though... maybe I'll fall asleep in no time flat. Or maybe that's hoping a little too much. lol

[Emotive]

Going to bed soon. Turning off the computer for the night. G'night everyone. Stay safe.

[Emotive]

I'll be heading to bed soon. I think an actual nightmare might actually be preferrable to having to listen to the dialog I'm hearing. I can't even tell if I'm really hearing it or not. I've never had a good instinct though.

[Emotive]

I'll be running errands with mom today. I think it'll be dark when we get back though. Also just heard this on SiriusXM 90's on 9 too, a channel we've got on DISH network just now too that really sounds interesting. Unexpected to pop up on the radio but has a nice sound to it.

[Emotive]

Actually, mom kind of brought an idea into mind: all 3 of us could eat out, maybe Red Lobster. We're all vaccinated, both shots, still need our boosters though but I don't think enough time's passed for mine yet. Anyway... I could use this as an opportunity to mend any damage I might've done in my paranoid delirium... I just wish I could convey how difficult this situation is to them... hearing voices is.. so damn exhausting... but I think I really will try to use this opportunity to patch things up if I can. I just hope they're receptive to me wanting to repair our bridges. Metaphorically speaking of course. I might sound crazy sometimes, but ... I don't know. One thing I do know is without mom and dad I don't think I'd make it. I need to try to mend things, even if I have inadvertently damaged any standing I have with mom or dad.

It's hard to say sometimes if it's just paranoia or not, but most of the time it's clear. I just need to keep relying on my retraint, and not give in or let myself let go no matter how angry I feel. If I go ranting and raving obviously I'm going to cause damage like I think I have already just from the few outbursts I've had. So... lesson learned I'd say, keep my mouth shut no matter what. There is no free pass to rant and rave, and arguing just because of the voices is just not something that I'm willing to pay the cost that there evidently is for. So, I have to keep my mouth shut, no matter how loud they get. I say that, but damn that's hard to do. But, obviously more harm than good is caused when I talk back. I just... need to stop. Bottle it up, and move on from wanting to argue with these voices in my head.

...sooo, in short, a lot more harm than good comes from arguing with these voices. So, I'll be trying my hardest to keep from arguing. It does NOT help. I just can't believe I never analyzed it accurately like that before.

[Emotive]

I'll be trying to go to sleep. G'night everyone. Stay safe.

[Emotive]

Sooo, I can't sleep tonight. I even took 2 Melatonin that were 10mg, which I've only done once before last night. Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep today. I need to start looking up some ways to get tired online, but I'm always playing a game so I forget what I was going to do once I start playing. lol My bad memory really works against me there.

Anyways though, I'm playing Dragon Ball Xenoverse 1 with my Frieza race, Aster. I chose the name because it reminds me of Frieza's Death Ball and Cooler's Supernova attacks, so I deliberately looked for names that meant star or something similar, something to do with space. It's the best I could come up with, but the credit really goes to the name of the Yugioh GX character Aster Phoenix. I liked him, but not at first. lol Still an awesome name though. Turns out I've got screenshots. The only accessory I've added though is the Halo. It reminds me of Frieza in the Tournament of Power. I'll have to unlock more though.

  Spoiler:  

[Emotive]

I forgot what I was going to type... lol Why do some people just not care about how hellacious hearing voices is? The 2 people in this house would rather defer to criticizing and mocking me and trivializing it instead of actually understanding the very real struggle it is. If either of them heard voices all the time, then they wouldn't trivialize it so eagerly. I swear, sometimes it really seems like their favorite thing to do. Then the quiet laughing I hear, and them pretending like they aren't. Paranoia... is a poison. And after it starts to gain momentum, it's very difficult to stop its spread into other thoughts. With my thinking already paranoid in the first place it takes off in no time flat with very little cause, sometimes no causes of anyone really saying anything...

It's just disappointing that my parents don't care about the struggle. They never really will understand how much of a struggle it is though. Not unless they go through years of every waking moment of hearing disembodied voices screaming in their ears. They talk about it like it isn't a "big deal" like I keep hearing a little too often. That's just... really heartbreaking. So, even my own parents would rather criticize and trivialize it than understand what a real struggle it is. Sometimes I wonder if they care enough to want to understand.

Oh in lighter news I got 2 new trophies for Dragon Ball Xenoverse 1. lol Very overdue trophies too, but I still need to beat the game.