"We should duel sometime." - Joey Wheeler (Emotive's ALJ)

[Emotive]

I'm going to try to sleep, which I've only got probably a few hours of. I'll be back later if I do get to sleep. Stay safe everybody.

[Emotive]

You know... I've been trying to sleep most of the day, and the conclusion I've reached is I just won't be able to sleep. I've literally been trying since 3:44 pm after a night of just laying there, waiting to sleep. So... I'm not really sure what to decide to do actually. This should be a learning experience.

[Emotive]

hi hi

Hey, Jer. How are you today?

[Emotive]

So I started up Thouzer's Dream Mode Chapter 1 in Fist of the North Star: Ken's Rage but had to Interim Save so I'll go back to it later. tbh I think I'm just wanting to be downstairs all the time again. I haven't felt like that since dad and I butted heads when I was a teenager. So goddamn ridiculous.

[Emotive]

I've been sleeping, waking up, sleeping. Like... 3 times went back to sleep I think. Stayed up for a few hours I think though. So, at least I've caught up on my sleep. Or at least for now. lol

I'm looking forward to seeing that 4th Matrix movie. Looks awesome~

[Emotive]

I'll be trying to sleep in a short while. I don't know if I'll be able to, but I need to at least try.

[Emotive]

I've got some decisions to make... and honestly I don't really know what to do. I guess that might not be anything new though. If big Sis was around I'd talk to her, but she isn't. I would give almost anything to just talk to her about a few things. I've always been the aimless one, with no direction other than where people point me towards. She had it together, she was easily smarter than I'll ever be. I'd wager she was the pride and joy of the family in all honesty. I must be disappointing. I think I know why the mental illness has not been so loud today, but I'll never really know for sure.

Saw some snow on the deck this morning, but it's since disappeared. Don't see a single snowflake now though.

[Emotive]

Paranoia is, as always, getting worse throughout the day. Same thing every day. Wake up ok, paranoia slowly but surely settles in and ruins the day before it's over. So, not sure if I could get to sleep or not, but I definitely don't want to be awake. Each day the same, feels like my insides are tearing themselves apart, but I'm sure it's just emotional pain. Or whatever it's called. I'd love to know what to do.

[Emotive]

I'm not really sure what to do really. Play games, watch anime, maybe try to get more sleep. I really don't know. So far I've just been in a sort of limbo, just kind of clicking the different tabs of the browser. I mean, I might be bored I guess. Or depressed. Or both... can't afford a psychiatrist to tell me. So, idk, maybe I'll decide what to do soon.

[Emotive]

I think I'm just giving up. I'll never get help. Psychiatric help is probably the kind that I need, because this isn't working. My paranoia is taking some misanthropic turns and I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. And yet, I still don't want to be alone. I don't even know why. I bet it'd be nice if I was normal instead of the problem I've turned out to be. idk, think I'll sign off for the night and try to unwind with a game or something. Stay safe, and stay sane. See you all later or tomorrow.

[Emotive]

Well, spent the last few hours putting everything together for my new Sango+Kohaku+Kilala set, but now it's dinner time. lol I'll be right back though. But I'm a slow eater, except I eat quick when I'm angry which is probably not a good thing. Just saying though I might be back in 20 mins or later. Not sure why I eat so slowly. xD

[Emotive]

Forgot to say I was back.

[Emotive]

Another day of paranoia, withdrawing into my mind in silence. And... learning something I wish I didn't. I'll be heading to bed soon, but I doubt I'll sleep for long. I've been wondering about making a Chrono Crusade set. The younger Joshua and older Rosette (at least in the anime) makes me think of me and big sis. It's difficult to really find an image of Rosette that covers her legs more though, but I think I've got a good idea in mind. Joshua having practically no memory at the end also made me think of my own issues with memory. I bet there's a lot of people that are tired of me constantly making those comparisons but it's just something I always notice and end up trying to compare. Sorry if it gets monotonous when I keep bringing it up. But that's my planned next set. I'm not sure whether to include Chrono or not, but I might not. Not sure yet.

[Emotive]

I'll be heading out with mom today to get some groceries I think. Or it might be to pick up some prescriptions. I can't remember now. lol That's unexpected. xD I'll be back sometime later on today, unless this time they're really putting me somewhere. Man, I just remembered I spent all morning yelling and talking LOUDLY. Like, obnoxiously loud. So, I think I might've pushed the envelope too far. I mean, we'll see, and sorry if this is tiring to keep hearing how paranoid I am but I just can never tell, epecially if they thought I'd make a scene I think then that's when they would conveniently not tell me about a stop to a mental hospital. Hopefully just paranoia, but so far that seems to be the safe bet so I think I'm safe.

Either way though, stay safe my friends! I'll see you all sooner or later. *BEARHUGZ every AL member* I appreciate all of you, even though probably no one want to read my journal because of all the negative posts I vent with in it. lol Nevertheless, I appreciate every one of you. And the ones I'm not familiar with I hope will also be my friend at some point. Be seeing you. (I can't wait to see John Wick Chapter 4: Hagakure!!!)

[Akane Mayu]

hi hi