They have hollow eyes
Their gaze is piercing
Telling me these lies
They won't release me
I think that I've died
How can it be?
I can't recall
The soulless number three
I feel their claws
What do they want?
To torment me?
There's no escaping
I'm sealed in a coffin
Maybe they want to replace me
Or maybe they wanted me fall in
Either way, it's over
The nightmare is almost gone
I sink into the dark abyss
Reaching, I resist
It comforts me to the point of bliss
And it insists
Pulling me down, I let go
Free from pain, I can't say no
Click for my blog | Click for my first poem: "They Drag Me Under" | Click for my second poem: "Scattered Fear" | Click for my GFX threadMake Me (by Kristen Agee & Onyay Pheori) - There's a bridge I must walk... but I fear I'll never cross... Where angels fear to tread... Where darkness is bred... A place I used to know... In the night we weren't alone... The promise of a last breath... Now has me hanging by a golden thread... Make my soul clean... Pour the gasoline... Burning all the fears away... Make the rain come...Make the pain numb... Washing all the stains away... There used to be a light inside... That I never had to hide... There were fields of green... Lakes calm, serene… so much beauty to describe... But then a prince came with a blackened heart... And spread a poison through these parts... The only remedy is to cross this bridge... Fade the memory of this bondage... Make my soul clean... Pour the gasoline... Burning all the fears away... Make the rain come... Make the pain numb... Washing all the stains away... Make the night small... Make the light tall... Asking angels now to stay... Make my mind rest... Make my heart undress... Setting my spirit free... Ooooh... Ooooooh... Oh, how I've tried to turn the lights on... Make my soul clean... Pour the gasoline... Burning all the fears away... Make me... Make me... Make the rain come... Make the pain numb... Washing all the stains away... Make me Make me... Make the night small... Make the light tall... Asking angels now to stay... Make me... Make me... Make my mind rest... Make my heart undress... Setting my spirit free... Make me... Make me...
This made me think of Joan of Arc
Oh hey, you're right! I'm glad it does. Originally it was intended for me and my illness, along with depression. But that's really cool, it's both ways.
What do you think of it?
That makes sense as well and I liked it because it also made me think of The Cat Lady video game as it's a game I've been playing recently and the game and this poem both represent depression and illness very well. Hallow eyes and piercing made me think of cats.
Truth be told, I'm not very good at poems. I just write what I think will make a decent poem. Who knows if I even know how to write one. I think I do, but my other one probably wasn't any poem format. Blah. It was just something I started feeling today though, so I felt like I had to put it down. Somewhere.
I love cats by the way.
Originally Posted by Emotive
Truth be told, I'm not very good at poems. I just write what I think will make a decent poem. Who knows if I even know how to write one. I think I do, but my other one probably wasn't any poem format.
Forget about formats. They can be inspirational, but if you have an idea for a poem, it's best to write it out as it comes to you and them think about editing after you've let the writing 'rest'. You can create your own logic, your own form. As long as you stay true to the laws you create, it'd all good.
As for the poem itself - you did go for end rhymes, which is nice since not a lot of people write rhyming poetry anymore. The thing about rhymes though is that there is no rhyming without rhythm. Practically this means that for a rhyme pair to work, you need both of the lines that form a pair to be approximately equal in length. If we look at your poem's 3rd stanza, currently, this is how it goes:
(5) There's no escaping
(6) I'm sealed in a coffin
(8) Maybe they want to replace me
(9) Or maybe they wanted me fall in
(6) Either way, it's over
(2) They've won
(5) Farewell voyager
(7) The nightmare is almost gone
I think this is the biggest problem of the poem, because the only two lines that have the same syllable count - 1 and 4 - don't actually form a rhyme pair. The lines that ought to rhyme - 2/4 and 6/8 - have such different syllable counts that the rhyme pair just doesn't work. Especially if you combine the lines that come before the the rhymes: "Eithery way, it's over; they've won (8 in total), Farewell voyaged; the nightmare is almost gone (12). When you write rhyming poetry, this combined length between the rhymepairs is something that you also need to pay attention to - you can get away with a weaker rhyme pair if your reading rhythm is tight, but even a really tight rhyming pair will become weak if the rhythm is weak. If you compare the original to this version:
(6) There is no escaping
(6) I'm sealed in a coffin
(6) They wish to replace me
(6) Wanted me to fall in
(6) Either way, it's over
(6) They have already won
(5) Farewell, voyager
(5) The nightmare is gone
Do you see the difference the small changes make to both the rhythm and the 'oomph' of the rhymes?
Structure-wise, it does feel a bit like the first two stanzas of the poem are from a different poem than the two last ones; first two have a pretty tight rhythm and equal line lengths, but the two latter ones are almost free verse. I think with small changes to the last two stanzas, you could 'tighten up' the poem to a really nice piece. c: Since the two first stanzas set the structure for the poem, it's best to follow it until the end; otherwise the reader will feel a bit like they stumbled on something when they move onto a stanza that doesn't follow the pattern you laid out before.
I really like the way the poem ends, there is a sense if finality to it, combined with a sort of 'giving up' sort of motion. Really nice.
Thank your Jouro <3
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Thanks. I've given up on poems though. I was going to start with lyrics, but nothing came to mind for the longest time, and now I've just kind of lost the fire. ;.;
Aww that is a shame. :C Have you ever tried doing timed prompts? I find that hte High Overloard Alarmclock does actually often help me to create. Give yourself a topic or a starting sentence - for example, the last line of someone elses poem - and then challenge yourself to write for 7 minutes without stopping and without editing or deleting. You'll end up with something that might be absolute nonsense, but it gives you something to work with - and to be honest, some of my best writings have started out that way. Give it a try! ^^
I think I will. ^.^ But for now I'm kind of dead in the water, so to speak.
Yeah I understand, every writer has a blockage in their creative flow from time to time. -nod nod- Hang in there. c:
Nicely written and a great tongue for description you possess.
I particular like the parts about being in a coffin and finding out that they died.
It does give me vibes of joan of arc too.
The weight of the world upon my shoulders
making me ever bolder, the dreaming through others colder
Set by ME
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