MILO THE CAT is lounging in the sunshine, taking a very contented nap. His owner walks in and he raises his head sleepily.
Donít look at me like that. I can always tell when you humans are having a bad day. Like itís my fault for sleeping. Do I give you a hard time for only sleeping eight hours? Or for sleeping when you should be feeding me? No. So leave me alone.
(The owner walks over and pets Milo)
Well, I guess if youíre going to pet meÖ
(Nuzzles the hand of the owner, who then pets him near the tail. His whole backside automatically lifts)
Noooooo--not the butt! Curse you, human, I was in such a comfortable pos--ooh, that does feel nice, though. All right, thatís good. Getting bored now. Okay. Okay. Okay, thatís enough.
(Bites the hand and then slinks off)
Man, itís like you donít know what youíre doing. Petting is not about you, sir, you hairless pink popsicle. Now bring me food! Hey! Food, I tell you! Not that dry garbage, bring me something wet that makes the whole house smell like tuna!
(Follows his master toward the kitchen, baffled when he doesnít get his way)
I cannot fathom the inane stupidity of humanity. Itís like they donít understand basic commands. Did I say to go get ice cream to stuff in your fat face? No. Itís like when I meow and you meow back at me--Iím trying to speak to you in a language you understand, not get you to try and repeat it! Iíve seen your kind do the same nonsense babbling repetition with babies. Maybe you donít understand how communication works. If you did, maybe youíd get that I want to be petted on the head but not picked up or touched on the belly. Itís not like itís that hard to remember.
Morons. Iím surrounded by morons. Sometimes itís almost like you think youíre in charge or something.