I think my stress is so constant it's become sort of a soft, very mild depression. Or maybe it's a soft, very mild depression making me constantly stressed. Probably goes both ways, come to think of it, and I suppose I've been letting it develop for almost a year now. It's not a huge deal it's just... life is so uncomfortable when you care about so many things. And worse when you feel responsibility for fixing everything that's wrong. I do the best I can. I don't have to think to realize just saying fuck it would be neither right nor helpful to anyone including myself, nor would it even make me feel any better. What I'm doing now is exactly what I should be doing. That doesn't really fuel any positive feeling about it, though.
What the hell happened, anyway? A year ago I was so excited to finally go to uni, and then I was so excited to have enough economic security that I didn't have to worry about food or shelter. That was awesome. I could still have that, but now it's not awesome because I feel responsible for someone else on top of it.
I think I just told myself what I needed. I need to stay in my dorms--that was so good for me, and I can't take that away from myself because I feel responsible for someone I shouldn't need to feel responsible for. It's time to stop looking for apartments. I'll compromise and start asking about a private room in the dorms. Tomorrow.
I'm still stressed. I think I need time to internalize this. I suppose stress and a soft, very mild depression has become the new normal for me. It's ok. It's ok, it's ok, it's ok. It's ok.
There could be a lesson here, but I don't mind who I am so fuck it.
"WorldEnd: What do you do at the end of the world? Are you busy? Will you save us?"
I watched this last night. I want to forget. Some shows need to come with fucking warning labels.
I don't really know what's worse. That she's dying of a terminal illness and has less than 5 years to live, that she's sleeping with someone that disgusts her in order to make sure the kids have food and get to school, or maybe rather that simply every single company that has any financial stake in her wellbeing chooses to throw her under the bus--health insurance suddenly drops her, and then she just got into a car wreck and because the third driver couldn't be contacted they arbitrarily decide it's her fault. It's amazing how little mercy the world has. If it was any one of those things, someone would write about it. It'd be a story, and people would understand it. But it's all of those things, all at once. Who the fuck gets this reality.
I already know what I'm going to say at her funeral.
I like romance anime. Love is nice to think about. But it sucks when they end because then I'm back to this. It's worse when the story and characters are realistic enough that you know there really are relationships like them everywhere, like it's so much cuter watching it and so much more bitter when it ends. It's like, these fucking kids will never know real problems, and I will never be simply happy like that.
I really want to be mad at someone. It feels like stress would be easier if there was someone to blame for it. Probably wouldn't be, but it feels that way.
I'm sorry my journal is fucking dark. I seem to mostly use it as a dumping ground for shit I can't post on facebook, and of nobody wants to visit a dump. I'll still use it as one when I need to, but...sorry to all the people who randomly click in here, I guess.
I'm pretty good right now. Writing an essay on childhood rational agency. Might even be on time at the rate I'm going, and I don't have a maximum page limit so I won't have to figure out what to delete after I finish it. My last english class had maximum page limits, it was so annoying. I'd adjust the font kerning for specific lines to kill widows and reduce the line count.
I have lots of other stuff to get done, but it feels ok now.
I think I forgot how important it was to have human contact for which you don't have to put up a front. I haven't had anyone I could be honest with for about a year I think, and then out of the blue an old AL friend messages me, and I've felt so much better just talking to someone openly, even if it's just a few messages. I'm really happy about that. The last 4, 5 days have been been terribly draining otherwise.
Apparently I've forgotten how valuable AL is as a social space removed from my real life. Granted, I'm not naturally social, so making new friends isn't something I do well (and most of the old ones are gone), but I suppose I should try to be more active here. It would probably be better for me.
I've been grading math quizzes for the past few hours. Proofs, no less. These students are generally sophmores and not math majors either (it's a math class for computer science students), so very few of them know to communicate mathematically. I swear 1 out of 5 just makes up new ways to use existing symbols in completely confusing ways--like, I can tell they're thinking, but I have no idea what they're trying to communicate, so what it is they're thinking just doesn't come through. Because they aren't math majors, I can't grade them too harshly for that, either, but the fuck can I do when I don't know what they're attempting?
I have a beer, a cup of tea, crackers and hummus. I feel like I must be the only one who could enjoy these things together.
That is a weird combination....
I'll just leave this plate of non-existent internet cookies right here for you
I think it makes sense though. Beer and hummus is savory, crackers are salty, and tea is sweet.
Thank you for cookies :3
I've been meaning to make oatmeal cookies for the past 2 or 3 weeks and I've just never gotten around to it. They're easy to make in my mom's kitchen since she has a mixer, but I'd have to do it by hand here. Not that it'd be all that more difficult--I'm just procrastinating. I used to like cooking, but really, I don't. Making things to eat is a pain in the ass. Having to eat is a pain in the ass. Are the food pills here yet? Sign me up for that shit. Still, I really like good food. My emotional state is really affected by how much I like the food I eat. But you can't have good food very often unless you're economically stable, or you cook a lot. But cooking is such a pain in the ass.
I suppose so, but crackers are gross (far too dry) and I've never tried hummus (so I can't comment on that).
It also depends on what type of tea and if you put sugar and/or milk in it.
Oatmeal cookies are the best and you should never procrastinate when cookies are involved (especially when they are my favourite oatmeal cookies). You should make them so that I can enjoy them too by living vicariously through you.
I enjoy cooking, it's kind of like a mindless task for me, like it's a close as I can get to meditation lol but I agree that eating is a total pain in the ass. So if you find the food pills, you let me know.
One way or another I always seem determined to find the line between happy and tired. I'm used to sleeping in on mondays =_=
I just learned that at least 2, possibly 3 (out of 5 total) of the classes I was going to take next semester (my last semester) won't actually be offered. The remaining two are the only ones I absolutely need specifically to graduate, but the other three classes are ten times more relevant to my job skills, and I had them planned for a year and a half. This is just terrible.
The loss of digital image processing is the least bad.
Next is likely the loss of robotics and machine intelligence.
Worst is the (possible) loss of real-time embedded systems.
The first problem is graduating, so I'll have to pick another CSCI elective. I guess that'll be artificial intelligence, which I didn't particularly want to take but whatever.
The next problem is getting back my embedded systems education, because that's definitely a super important skill that would improve my chances at the interview next semester.
Plan A is to take real-time embedded systems, if it is actually is offered. I'm thinking there's only about a 15% chance of this.Plan B is to try to convince the EECE department chair to waive enough prerequisites for me to take digital systems design instead. Maybe a 20% chance of success.Plan C is to give up on the normal classes and do more independent study to cover the curriculum. Maybe a 35% chance of success.Plan D is to try to convince the EECE and/or the CIVL department chair(s) to allow me to audit the corequisite for communication systems design. 40%?Plan E is to stay an extra year and be a double major in math and computer science. 90% chance of success, but fuck I don't wanna. My entire fucking education is preparing me for one single interview which takes place in 4-5 months, and this is what it gives me right now.
None of this is actually a disaster, tbh. I'm being dramatic due to anxiety. I need to fucking chill.
Also, I'm getting closer to needing to see someone I don't want to see right now.
Last edited by morsmaestro; 10-17-2017 at 05:27 AM.
I just fucked up at work.
So I had two assignments tonight, 2 classrooms needed some work done. One was available right away, and the other has a class until 7:20. I was working on the open one and at one point I pulled up our vnc server to send an external reboot signal, only I must have had the other classroom on my mind because I rebooted the one currently in class without thinking.
In simple terms, I restarted a professor's computer during class. Completely unprovoked.
So I did some poking around and found out who was teaching the class in that room, found her in the directory and I wrote a very good apology letter, with my supervisor cc'd on the message. ...and then I didn't send it. I mean, I could just let it be, maybe my coworkers would get a strange "sudden restart" ticket, they'd investigate and find nothing, so it's not like my sending that email would net any positive outcome, and it'd mostly just make my entire department look bad. Who the fuck has ethical dilemmas at work, right>
I compromised and emailed just my supervisor instead, told him what happened and apologized to him, while pretending I wasn't resourceful enough to figure out who was teaching class just now. Who knows what he'll say if he gets a call about it, but he can figure that out.
And now I'm going to set a calendar reminder for myself to edit this post in January before I start interviewing.
I'm glad I have a beer waiting at home.
Plan B worked: the EECE department will waive enough prerequisites for me to take Digital Systems Design. I think they realized I'm a fucking scrapper when I talked to 4 different people independently over the course of 4 days in order to make this work, so when they started talking to each other and realized it was the same person, they realized how much work I'd been doing to get it. By the time I walked into the department office again today with a form I'd hoped to get signed, the admin assistant just looked at me and said 'oh, you're the math student, right? Here, let me add you to the class now.' Without any signatures or anything.
If only working hard paid off so well every time.
I kinda feel like writing. I don't feel like I'm getting enough creativity with school and games. I'd also be happy with more Boruto. It seemed such a silly thing when it started, but it's actually a really good show. I hate waiting for shows.
This was a good weekend.
I made better tea this time.
And had less work to do.
Actually no, that's not strictly true. I just didn't do it.
But I'm not too stressed about it either.
I need to get out my winter clothes. I meant to do it this weekend but I didn't. I have to clean my room before I do that, after all. I'm going to be in trouble soon if I don't have more warm clothes. Hmm...it'd take...30 minutes at the most. But I don't feel like it now. Thinking about it stresses me out, too, so I'll stop thinking about it for now. That might be the story of my life, but I don't know. I can't remember.
Also, I think this is important:
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