Depression has been in my life for lord knows how long. I was diagnosed at the age of 15 where I was given anti-depressants (back when you easily got them on repeat prescription) and I have to admit I didn't tell people about it, nor did I feel good about my illness. I felt like a guinea pig, I hated everything but most of all I hated myself. Along with other mental problems (which later got seen to but that's another story) I was a down right mess. I attempted many times to take my own life. The most recent was a few years back when my partner's mother (he's now my ex partner) told me infront of my children in my own house that I was worthless and I'd amount to nothing, that I was lucky to have someone like her son in my life. I didn't have my shoes on, just my slippers. I just got up and ran outside. She yelled "Don't you dare tell him I said that!" and I had my eyes set on a goal. My goal was a bridge that went over the M6 motorway. It's a busy part of the M6 too so I knew it'll be over with fast. My partner saw me and asked me what was wrong. I said "I can't take it anymore" and kept running.
Thankfully he stopped me, got me to stay somewhere safe and he dealt with his mother. I don't know exactly what was said but she was banned from ever coming to the house again and he was shaking from rage when he brought me back inside. Apparently his dad was also angry with her as well. This somewhat helped me regain some strength as I realised people do give a shit about me. The darkness that was covering me soon started to part and I slowly took steps and got better.
But I am still not well. This week I'm coming on one type of anti-depressant to go on another (I also have Trichotillomania which is caused from depression but also stress and anxiety) so my doctor wants what I currently use to get our of my system for me to begin on something else. It's a normal thing to do but it does mean going through a ton of downers. I've not felt emotional in a long time and twice recently have I just randomly started to cry. Nothing has set me off I just... cried. My head feels awful, my eye sight keeps acting up and I find it hard to wake up.
But you know what? That's okay. In the end I know I'll feel better with help. And I'm willing to admit I need it. There is no shame in suffering with depression. Anyone whose suffering with a mental health illness shouldn't feel ashamed of it, rather go speak to someone, see your doctor and get the right help. It'll be tough but it's way better then self-harm or suicide. Promise.
Stay strong. <3
I give you all my support. I know how is it. I am proud of how strong people like you are. Stay strong, and try to achieve happiness, which is, somehow, in the little things.
Virtual hug sent for you.