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My past continues to haunt me

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I don't like who I was. Over the years I've matured and the immature and arrogant teenage version of me has faded. Sadly people still remember that version of me and for some reason they can't let go of the past. And to me... that's super childish and immature.

Nearly 7 years ago my son was born. When he was I had some pretty hurtful things said about his parentage. People spread rumours that his father wasn't the man I said it was. People spread lies that I had the son of someone who I use to have feelings for but no longer do. It was very upsetting for me to read these remarks and even hear people ask me. For one it's none of their concern who the father for my children is. Second of all it's just plain rude and disgraceful to even say such things. It affected the relationship I had with his genetic father, yes I was with his biological father but for him to see the same comments made about our son it did bother him and cause friction in our relationship.

Further back in time I was hated on this forum. I wasn't exactly in a sound place mentally and wasn't willing to stick to my medication either. However most of the hate rested on me simply being very close friends to one of the admins. And I hated everyone for attacking me, I hated people saying "Mewski only got to be mod of X because she's going out with him" and "Mewski gets away with everything cos she's going out with him". It only made me act out more and more, which I know now wasn't the right way to respond, but it pissed me off and upset me. I worked hard so having people ignore my work and saying I was given certain duties really ticked me off. I wish I could go back in time and tell teenage me to ignore everyone, but we all know as teenagers we never listen to sound advice

The worst thing I did was spread lies about one of the admins. And not only did I spread lies but people believed them. Not only did they believe them back then but they still hate this person now because of lies I started. I feel terrible for saying such things. The recent drama reminded me of what sort of person I was like. I was simply an angry ex-staff member who went out to seek revenge with likes and bullshit. It's like watching it happen all over again only this time I'm outside the bubble and watching the horrible things being said that are all just because of revenge and jealousy.

I hate my past. And it'll probably haunt me for many years to come. I tried to hide from it but I came back because the person I said all those horrible things about came to me... and he apologised. HE... came to ME... to APOLOGISE.

I was in shock. I was shaking. I was holding back tears and trying to think of what to say.

For you see I was not allowed to speak to this person for many years. My (now ex) fiancÚ banned me from speaking to this person and made sure I could never access this website. I had always wanted to apologise for what I had done and yet here he was... apologising to me. I understand why he felt the need to apologise, but I'll always feel the blame was on me and not him. Yeah perhaps he could have stood up for me bit more but end of the day I did far worse then he ever did.

So here I am... I'm back and my name appears to be pink again. Something I was very wary of accepting but I took it on. I've actually not been to a meet-up or convention since the very first Alcon due to what happened. I was too scared of the hate and bumping in to people who knew "past Mew". Maybe I'll pluck up the courage again, specially now I've gotten a name for myself for being one of the UK's Most Influential Female Gamers.

I'm back. I'm stronger. I won't let things get to me so easily and I will kick my past in the arse if needs be.


  1. DrinksOnMe's Avatar
    Stay awesome Mewski.
  2. xLeilax's Avatar
    Mewski you are awesome and we have all made mistakes in the past but we need to forgiving ourselves for them and learn from them and make sure our future are better. If people don't like that well they aren't your friends in the first place.
  3. TheRedWarrior's Avatar
    Letting go of the past can be very tricky. I really wish it was easy to just move on to the next road in life. Even for me I'm finding it hard to let go of someone that recently dumped me. Because I feel I've learnt from my mistake and I'm ready to be the person she wants me to be but alas it is too late.

    People need to learn to live with what has happened and move past the event. Only then will we all be able to truly grow as a society.
  4. Catharsis's Avatar
    It is easy to say, but so hard to accomplish. I sometimes feel like you .
    Stay strong. I give you my support.