[FF] Harry Potter: Black Nights, Dark Skies [PG-13] - WIP

[Syn]

So, Zombie has convinced me to post my fanfic, which I write whenever I get writer's block during my novel writing process, as I feel it helps me get back into writing if I have an already painted canvas to work with. I posted this on another forum and the feedback has been (mostly) positive, which I liked. However, it was never very constructive. With this fanfic, I hope to keep my novel alive, while experimenting with different writing methods, etc.

I will endeavour to post a new chapter at LEAST once a week, with the exception of Chapter 1, which I will be posting with a prewritten blurb and prologue. I will keep the OP updated with links to each chapter within the thread so that those who read it regularly can easily resume where they left off.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Title: Black Nights, Dark Skies
Author: Andrew "Syn" Clunie
Rating: PG-13 (Final Rating to be decided, still a work in progress)
Summary: If you could, would you?
Couples: All canon couples, plus a couple of original couples
Warnings: General PG-13 Warnings
Universe: Normal HP Universe, in the year 2018
Status: Work in Progress
Genre: General

Chapters:
Blurb/Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Blurb*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If you had the ultimate chance, to forsake a life you deplored, to leave those you hated, and start anew in a magical place you didn't know existed...would you?

This was a question that Asura Blacknight had to ask himself one cloudy night in June. After receiving a mysterious letter from a person claiming to be a Headmaster of a Magic School, Asura found himself questioning everything he thought he knew. Could he leave his step-father, his vile step-brother and all he grew up to know? Could he find his way to a place he had no idea how to get to? Could he make his life better?

All Asura knew, was that there was only one way to find out...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Prologue*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In the rainy streets of Chesterfield walked a small boy. He knew the streets really well, after all, he had lived here all his life. He walked with only one purpose. To forget. Only eleven years old, and he had suffered so much anguish and torment than he could bear. He tolerated it. He knew that as soon as an opportunity arose, he would leave this place. Or at least, he hoped and prayed for such an opportunity. His father had died in a plane crash when he was a small boy, his mother was badly wounded. She recovered and remarried not long after, but the marriage didn't last long and she soon ran away, leaving her only son with a man who hated him. He already had a son and he saw the boy as competition. The young boy who asked for none of this, and yet, he lived it everyday. A living nightmare.

His name was Asura Blacknight. Walking down the quiet, dark streets of his home, he kicked at the stones he saw, never looking up from the ground, his legs supporting a sickly frame, his head never looking up. The boy flicked his long brown hair out of his eyes and nursed his cheek, red from the most recent beating from his step-father and step-brother. This was the kind of thing Asura put up with everyday, come rain or shine. Everyday brought a new wound or bump that Asura added to a collection of hundreds. He approached the place he slept, no longer feeling like it was his home. Surely an opportunity would come. He let himself in and slouched his way straight upstairs to his room, locking the door. He didn't want any interruptions. He just wanted to be left alone. He just wanted to sleep.

He stripped down and changed into his striped pyjamas, throwing a white t-shirt over his body, littered with various scars. Making sure the door was locked, the boy dropped to his knees by his bed and clasping his hands, began to whisper.

"Please," the boy said, his lower lip trembling, as it always did when he prayed. "If you have any kindness, all I ask is to be delivered from this living nightmare and into a place where I am cared for." He blinked, his eyes watering. "A world without these people who hurt me. A world without pain. Please, I ask with everything left in my being." The tears rolled down his face, dropping to the quilt below him. "This is all I ask from you...Amen." He wiped his eyes and face, getting up from the floor and climbed under the sheets, hoping that his prayers be answered finally. Closing his tired eyes, he rolled over and drifted off to sleep, his last thought was the same hope as he always thought. The hope of salvation. Of deliverance. The end of his living nightmare.

[Syn]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Chapter 1*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Morning broke through the crack in the curtains as Asura strained his eyes open. The young boy stretched his arms above his head, letting out a groan before swinging the covers aside. He sat up, noticing that the door was still locked. He let out a sigh of relief and looked at the clock mounted on the wall in his bedroom.

Nine thirty, he thought. That meant his stepfather was already on his way to work. It would just be the stepbrother he had to contend with. Sighing heavily, Asura clambered out of his bed and throwing on a black t-shirt and black hooded jumper. He walked up to the door and put his ear to it. He could hear him downstairs, laughing wretchedly at those stupid cartoons he watched. He unlocked the door and shuffled to the stairs, taking each step with one foot at a time. Asura looked to the floor, knowing exactly what was about to happen. It was the same every morning.

"Oi! Spannerface!" his stepbrother shouted, a venomous look in his eyes. His stepbrother was sat in one of the comfy armchairs in the living room, blue pyjamas shrouded by a black dressing gown. He was the same age as Asura, but that malicious face made him seem older.
Asura's eyes never left the ground. "What is it, Scott?" The next thing Asura knew he was on the floor, his left cheek pressed against the horrid blue carpet.
"Look at me when I talk to you, monkey!" Scott spat back at him. "Or you know what'll happen!"

Asura knew exactly what would happen. Scott would rush to the telephone and call his father. Obscenities would rain over the house and Scott would be given permission to do whatever he wanted to Asura, as form of punishment. Punishment for nothing. Asura knew exactly what to do.

"Sorry, Scott," he said, sounding sincere. "Won't happen again."
Scott released his grip on Asura forcefully. "It better not!" He stomped over to the stairs. "I'm going for my shower now. Don't touch anything, Spannerface!" He pointed a finger at Asura. "Or I'll tell my dad!"

His dad. To Scott, Asura had no father. If Scott had his way, Asura wouldn't exist. Asura slowly nodded at his stepbrother, who grunted and proceeded up the stairs. Asura waited for him to slam the bathroom door before letting out a sigh and throwing himself onto the same armchair Scott was sitting in. While Scott made his days intolerable, Asura was glad that his stepfather was at work. The day would be ten times worse if he were home. At least Asura could have some alone time now that Scott was in the bathroom. For those 30 minutes, he could smile, if but faintly. He blinked and turned to watch the cartoon on the television.

Not five minutes had passed when there was a clattering at the letterbox. Asura slowly tiptoed to the front door to check the mailbox. He looked down at the floor, at the pile of mail for his stepfamily. He stared at the letter on the top with wonder, the red thing on the back catching his eye. Curiosity overwhelming him, Asura picked up the envelope. The flap was stuck down with a wax seal with a crest and the letter H in the middle of it. Asura's jaw fell open as he turned the envelope over to read the name on it.

Mr A. Blacknight
12 Shirland Street
Chesterfield
Derbyshire
S41 7BF

Asura blinked quickly and looked at it, convinced he was hallucinating, but it was definitely addressed to him, written fancily in emerald green ink. Looking around, he stuffed his letter into his hoodie pocket and raced upstairs to his bedroom, locking the door behind him. He tore open the envelope and took a look at the contents inside. Two folded sheets of paper fell into his hand. Taking the one in front, Asura began to read the letter, stunned at what it said.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Headmaster: Neville Longbottom
(Order of Merlin, First Class)


Dear Mr Blacknight,

We are pleased to inform you that you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins as soon as you are enrolled. As you live with Muggle-borns, a representative of our school will be with you shortly.


Yours sincerely,

Ernie Macmillan
Deputy Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

Eyes wide open, Asura scanned the letter twice. And again. He couldn't believe it! An escape. He didn't even read the second letter in the envelope as he was on his feet, grabbing his clothes and stuffing them into his shoulder bag, excited about the prospect of fleeing his nightmare. A smile spread across his face, he picked up his bag, clasping it shut and running downstairs, kicking the rest of the mail aside and opening the front door. Standing outside was a woman with long black hair, a pointed hat upon her head wearing a long black robe. She walked up to him, a small smile upon her face.

"Are you Asura Blacknight?" she said, her gentle voice seemed like a luxury to his ears.
"Yes," he said, hurriedly. "Take me away from here! Please!"
She took off her hat and bowed. "My name is Professor Chang. You received a letter from Hogwarts, correct?"
Asura nodded. "Yes. There's no time. Let's just get out of here."
The woman sighed. "Yes, I was told you had been living a wretched life." She extended her hand. "Take my hand, and I will take you to begin your new life."

A new life. Asura had been praying every night for a new life. Today, his prayers had finally been answered. He took the woman's hand and they walked off together down the streets of the English town. The smile never left Asura's face as they approached the train station, boarding a train for London. Finally, Asura thought. His new life would finally begin.

[Stiletto Kitty]

There's so much Harry Potter lately. And fanfics.

So. I'm stickler for prologues when I see them. And I prefer them to be as story-like as possible or pertinent as necessary.

A small boy walked down the rainy Chesterfield streets. He knew the streets really well, having lived here all his life. He walked with one purpose. To forget. Only eleven years old, he had suffered more anguish and torment than he should ever have to bear. He tolerated it. He knew that as soon as an opportunity arose, he would leave this place. Or at least, he hoped and prayed for such an opportunity. His mother, though badly wounded, survived the plane crash that killed his father. She recovered and remarried not long after, but the marriage didn't last long and she soon ran away, leaving her only son with a man who hated him. He already had a son and he saw the boy as competition. The young boy who asked for none of this, and yet, he lived it everyday. A living nightmare.[/QUOTE]

(Some changes)
I like the backstory. I like the scenario you've set up. I'm going to be checking out this thread. Cause I'm anxious for an update.

Zombie, thank you for sending Syn here

[Syn]

Thanks for your input, it really helped. Hopefully more people will read this and leave some form of message, whether it be critique or just a "I enjoyed this. Keep it up!"

Here's Chapter 2...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Chapter 2*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The early morning drizzle seemed to clear as soon they reached London King's Cross. Asura's face was glued to the passing landscape for the entire journey. When Professor Chang asked why, Asura looked at her with excited brown eyes.

"I've never been on a train before," he squeaked happily. He turned back to face the window, watching the blurs of green go whizzing past his eyes.

The two left the station, after an hour's ride on the train. Asura took in the city air and looked up, with wonderment in his eyes. Everything was so tall. There were fairly large buildings in Chesterfield but nothing like this. He brought his eyes back down to look at Professor Chang. She reached out her hand, letting the boy take it.

"Come, Asura," she said as they walked down the busy street. "We have a long walk to Charing Cross to make."
Asura looked puzzled. "Why? What's there?"
The woman smiled at him, her gentle eyes glimmering. "You'll see."

The two of them twisted and turned their way through the streets, weaving between all the people. Asura was smiling the whole way, holding back the urge to hug a stranger or shake hands with a random woman. Tell them to have a nice day. They probably wouldn't understand him though. This wasn't just a nice day for Asura. It was the best day of his life.

It took a lot of bobbing and weaving around the busy streets of London but Professor Chang had eventually led Asura to a rustic looking place called the “Leaky Cauldron”. Asura felt a pang of confusion hit the back of his mind as the Professor pushed open the door to the place, revealing it to be a bar. Shrugging, Asura followed Professor Chang inside, assuming that she knew what she was doing.

A woman’s voice echoed loudly across the busy bar. “Hello Cho! Off to the Alley?”
Cho smiled. “Hello Hannah. Yeah, I’m off to the Alley.” She looked down at Asura and back up again. “Taking Asura here to get his First Year stuff organised.”
“Oh, a little Muggle-born Wizard! That’s cute.” Cho shook her head at Hannah with a stern look on her face. “Oh, right. It’s that new student. Well, I’ll let you two be on your way.”
Cho nodded and looked at Asura. “Shall we be on our way then?”
Asura nodded quietly, looking slightly concerned about the women’s conversation.

Professor Chang led Asura through a door, which seemed to be a dead-end. Grinning, she pulled out something from her side, a stick of some sort, and touched some of the bricks on the wall in front of them. Asura stood open-mouthed as the wall began to shift, moving the bricks around slowly revealing a passage to another street. He had never seen anything like it before. He didn't spend much time dwelling on it, as Asura tugged on Professor Chang's arm lightly.

"Excuse me, miss," he said quietly, as the two of them walked into the busy street.
Cho looked down. "Please, just call me Cho."
Asura hesitated. "Cho, what were you and that woman talking about?"
The smile on Cho's face waned a little. "You mean Hannah?" She looked into the distance of the street crowd. "Now's...not the best time. But I will tell you, okay?"
Asura looked at her, believing her story. "Okay, I trust you."

They spent over an 2 hours buying all kinds of things. All of these new and exciting things for learning at a Wizard School. Cho had told Asura all about it. How, she was a student there a while ago. The more that Asura learned from her, the more that he wanted to go there now. There were just two things left on his list to get.

"You still need your wand and your pet," Cho said, looking at a piece of paper in her hand. Cho had explained to Asura that it wasn't paper, that it was parchment. Asura would still call it paper though.
"A wand?" Asura asked, confused. "Was that what you poked the bricks on that wall with."
Cho laughed. "Yes. And now you get your own." She grabbed his arm and pulled him towards a shop. "We're going to Ollivanders."

They stopped outside a shop with a faded sign, but before Asura had a chance to read it, Cho was already pushing him through the door, a bell tinkling above it as they went in. An elderly man was behind a counter, his head shot up from looking down as soon as the bell went. He looked at the twosome and smiled a gentle smile.

"Ah, if it isn't Miss Chang!" he said, dashing out from behind the counter. "You still have the wand I gave you?"
Cho pulled out the stick again, Asura knowing it to be a wand for certain now. "Yes, thank you Ollivander. It has done me very well."
"Yes, yes, I assume you are using it excellently these days," Ollivander said to her. "Charms Professor are you? Old Filius Flitwick would be proud!" He looked at Asura. "Ah! And who do we have here?"
Asura looked at the ground, too nervous to speak. "Ummm...I'm Asura Blacknight, sir."
Ollivander looked stunned. "Blacknight, you say? You aren't the son of Daniel and Eliza Blacknight?"
One of those names hit Asura heavily, his eyes widened. "Y-Yes," he said, stuttering. "Eliza was my mother. She left home when I was young." He turned to Cho. "Why does this man know my mother and who is Daniel?" Tears started welling up in his eyes. "Is he...my father?"
Cho sighed. Looking around, to see no-one but them in the store. "I guess it's okay to tell you now." She took Asura over to a nearby chair. "Can you give us a minute Mr. Ollivander?"
Ollivander bowed. "Certainly, Miss Chang. This boy is owed an explanation."

[Syn]

And because I'm not one for ending on cliffhangers, I have opted to also post Chapter 3.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Chapter 3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Asura sat in the chair, watching as Cho faced up and down the dusty shop floor, shelves littered with all kinds of boxes. She looked on edge, tense even. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good.

Asura looked at her. "So how do you know my parents?" he asked quietly.
Cho stopped and looked at the boy. "Your parents, Eliza and Daniel, met at Hogwarts. They were wizards. Fantastic wizards too. Did really well in the exams. Went on to work for the Ministry of Magic, our government. Your father worked in the Auror Office, that is, special police in our world, while your mother worked in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. They were great at what they did, hard-working, helpful to others." Cho sat down, next to Asura. "Ten years ago, your father was given a mission. He was to track down a particular Dark Wizard, who was at large in northern England. He was to go undercover as a Muggle, that is a non-magic user, and travel as a Muggle to draw less attention to himself."
Asura looked at her, taking in every word of her story. "And then his plane crashed."
Cho looked at the boy, her face covered in grief for Asura's father. "Yes. That was the day of the plane crash. The Ministry explained it all, I'm assuming. Plane crashes do happen all the time, after all. From what I heard though, your mother didn't believe it. She believed with all her heart that something magical caused the plane to crash. She also couldn't understand how your father died, when he could've used magic to protect himself. So she quit her job in the Ministry and made it her personal mission to investigate the crash. She applied for a position at the Muggle Police Department. That was where she met your stepfather."
Asura looked down at the floor, hiding his face full of disgust. "I knew he worked for the Police, but I didn't know he worked with my mother. What happened next?"

Cho stood up, her eyes never leaving Asura. "The Ministry has never told anyone outside the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Your stepfather was the Muggle in charge of the crash investigation, and it was through your mother that he reopened the case to reinvestigate. However, no new evidence was found." Cho paced back and forth in front of Asura's chair. "After her surprise resignation, the Auror's Office thought it best to keep track of her actions. But one night, she managed to slip past the Aurors who were watching her, and since then she's never been seen."
Asura looked back up, wiping his eyes. He had never heard the full story before, so everything came as a bit of a shock, he had questions. Of course he did, but it wouldn't be wise to ask them without proper reasoning for asking. Sure, the questions were to do with his parents, but this Ministry of Magic may not know anything else. Or maybe they knew more than they told everyone. Still, there was one question that Asura couldn't stop himself asking.
"So, my parents were wizards," Asura began, scratching his head and looking up at the roof. He brought his eyes back down to Cho. "So why didn't they raise me as a wizard?"
Cho looked away. "I don't know. I can't know what your parents were thinking. Maybe they thought of doing it when you were a bit older? I can't say."
Asura stood up and walked over to Cho, smiling at her. "Thank you for telling me," he turned to Ollivander. "I think I'm ready for my wand, sir."

Ollivander walked over to Asura, a black box in his left hand. The old man opened the box and slowly pulled out a wand. He handed the wand to Asura. "Try this one, dragon heartstring, 11 inches. Yew. Quite flexible."

Asura held the wand, confused and unknowning of what to should do with it. Shrugging his shoulders slightly , the boy waved it around a bit, before Ollivander took it back from him.

"Not this one," he said. "No matter, plenty of wands here. All of them fine wands. No wand is ever the same. He walked to the back of the store, as if possessed by something. As if he was looking for a certain wand. He came back with a box in his hand and removed the wand. "How about this one then? Unicorn hair. Rowan. 12 inches. Good wand for Transfiguration." Asura held it and waved it around, just like he had done with the other one, unsure as to what the man was looking for. "Nope, not this one either," he said taking it back. "Never mind, we'll find you a wand." He proceeded back behind the counter and withdrew a box from the shelf to the right. "We'll try this one," he said taking it from its box. "Phoenix feather, Ash. 8 inches. Supple wand, perfect for Charms. Fitted with a little diamond to make it a little stronger." He handed it to Asura who waved it about. Ollivander took it back instantly. "No, not at all." He said, placing it in the box again. "You're a tough customer, but I think I have an idea."

He walked back to the counter and went into a drawer, pulling out a shiny new black box. "I finished making this wand just yesterday. He removed the wand slowly from its box. "Phoenix feather. Willow. 13 and a quarter inch. Has a ruby in it. Yes, yes. I think this is the one."

He handed Asura the wand. As soon as Asura's hand touched the wand, he felt a warm air travel through his body, inviting and refreshing. It was as if he had just stepped into a fresh summer day. A faint light came from the ruby in the handle and some sparks fired from the tip of the wand, in colours of dark red and silver. The old man smiled, slowly taking the wand from Asura and placing it gently back in its box. "My dear Mr. Blacknight, I believe we have just found your wand."

After Cho had paid the man for the wand, the two made their way out of the shop. Asura's thoughts had slowly drifted away from the conversation that happened in the shop, a new feeling of determination flowing through his mind. Determination to find his mother and help her continue her work in finding out what happened to his father. His real father. Asura bounced around the busy street, excited to start his education at Hogwarts.

Cho stopped walking, and looked down to Asura. "We're going in here." She pointed at the shop in front of them. A place called Magical Menagerie. The entrance was surrounded with all kinds of creatures. Asura was very surprised to see some Owls standing outside on perches, some were nibbling at seeds, others were just squawking loudly. Cho pushed the door open slowly, a small bell tinkling above. The animals on the inside perked up and started stirring, eager to see who had just come into the store. The hubbub from the creatures was unreal as they began to shriek and shrill in every way possible.

An elderly lady approached the two. "Welcome to the Magical Menagerie. How can I help you?" She looked down at Asura, her eyes bright with enthusiasm. "Well hello there! First year at Hogwarts, are we? Looking for your first pet?"
Asura looked surprised. "Pet?" He didn't know how to react. Because of his past living, he had never had a pet before. His stepbrother had a gerbil when he was seven. It died when he wanted to see what happened when a car ran it over. An image that Asura will never get rid of.
Cho stepped forward slightly. "Yes, this young boy is looking for his first pet."
The woman looked at Cho. "Well, you've definitely come to the right place. We have all kinds of animals here. Of course, you'll only be able to take an Owl, Cat or Toad, but that's not a problem. No it isn't!"
Her tone was friendly, but Asura couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed at her overcheerfulness. "Well, I think I would like a cat," Asura said, looking round at all the animals in the store. His eyes stopped on a black cat sitting in the corner. "I like that cat." He pointed at the cat. "Yeah, that cat."
The woman followed Asura's finger, and looked at the cat. "That cat? That cat is part Kneazle. He'll be very loyal to his owner. He's very quiet though, tends to keep to himself. But he'll be a wonderful friend."
Cho looked at Asura. "Are you sure that's the pet you want?"
Asura looked back at her, then at the cat, then at Cho again. "Yes," he said finally. "Yes, I would like that cat."
The woman went over to the cat and picked him up, stroking him gently before putting him in a carry-cage. "That'll be 5 Galleons," she said, smiling at Cho. Cho handed over the money and took the carry-cage. "Thank you very much," the woman said. "Thank you for shopping at the Magical Menagerie!"

Asura and Cho left the shop, the cat looking through the cage at Asura. The cat seemed to be purring gently, happy at the fact that someone bought him. Asura couldn't take his eyes off the creature. He had never seen anything so wonderful. Shiny black fur, tiny eyes that glimmered whenever light hit them and a tail that seemed never to stop moving.

Asura looked up at Cho, a smile spread across his face. "Thank you so much for all of this Cho," he said to her as they walked down the busy street, back towards the back entrance to the Leaky Cauldron.
Cho smiled back at him. "You don't need to thank me, just promise you'll work hard at Hogwarts."
Asura nodded. "I promise I will work hard!"
"Then you don't have to worry about it," she looked at the cat in the cage, who was now lying down. "Have you thought of a name for him?"
Asura pondered for a minute, then nodded at Cho. "Yes," he said, finally, looking at the cat. Asura remembered how, when we was eight, he would sneak into his stepfather's study and read books. He always made sure to put them back, so he wouldn't be in trouble, but one particular book always made him come back for more. He spent countless hours pouring through the pages, reading the many short stories that the pages held, memorising the wise words at the end of each story. These stories made him feel like there was hope. He knew the perfect name for his cat, thanks to these stories.

He looked at Cho. "He will be called Aesop."

[Stiletto Kitty]

I'm replying to each chapter separately to avoid huger than huge walls of text.

The early morning drizzle seemed to clear as soon as they reached London King's Cross. Asura's face was glued to the passing landscape for the entire journey. When Professor Chang asked why, Asura looked at her with excited brown eyes.

I think it would go better as: The early morning drizzle cleared as they neared London King's Cross.

"I've never been on a train before," he squeaked happily. He turned back to face the window, watching the blurs of green go whizzing past his eyes.

Picture perfect tenses. Action with dialogue. Details. Check. Check. Check.

The two left the station, after an hour's ride on the train. Asura took in the city and looked up with wonderment in his eyes. Everything was so tall. There were fairly large buildings in Chesterfield but nothing like this. He brought his eyes back down to look at Professor Chang. She reached out her hand, letting the boy take it.

"Come, Asura," she said as they walked down the busy street. "We have a long walk to Charing Cross to make."

Asura looked puzzled. "Why? What's there?"

The woman smiled at him, her gentle eyes glimmering. "You'll see."

The two of them twisted and turned their way through the streets, weaving between all the people. Asura smiled the whole way; resisting the urge to hug a stranger, shake hands with a random woman, or tell them to have a nice day. They probably wouldn't understand him though. This wasn't just a nice day for Asura. It was the best day of his life.

I don't know if you lost formatting when you copy and pasted so I separated the paragraphs they way they should be.
For the nature of this being a story, I'm going to mark words in red/cross them out if I think you can get by without them. (Less is more in times like these.)
I changed the punctuation of the second sentence and combined it with the third. Though I feel as though neither action is sufficient to make it an easier read. Take the new sentence and insert a sentence before it to describe Asura's mindset.

It took a lot of bobbing and weaving around the busy streets of London but Professor Chang had eventually led Asura to a rustic looking place called the “Leaky Cauldron”. Asura felt a pang of confusion hit the back of his mind as the Professor pushed open the door to the place, revealing it to be a bar. Shrugging, Asura followed Professor Chang inside, assuming that she knew what she was doing.

Perfection.

Professor Chang led Asura through a door, which appeared to be a dead-end. Grinning, she pulled out something from her side, a stick of some sort, and touched some of the bricks on the wall in front of them. Asura stood open-mouthed as the wall began to shift, moving the bricks around slowly revealing a passage to another street. He had never seen anything like it before. He didn't spend much time dwelling on it, as Asura tugged on Professor Chang's arm lightly.

This is one of those moments where word choice makes or breaks you. Seemed is a matter of perception. Appeared suggests or in this case implies that an illusion is taking place. Which in this case it is. The door did open up to somewhere. It just took a bit of method to make it seem that way because by all appearances it wasn't.

"Excuse me, miss," he said quietly, as they walked into the busy street.

They spent two hours buying all kinds of things. All of these new and exciting things for learning at a Wizard School. Cho had told Asura all about it. How, she was a student there a while ago. The more that Asura learned from her, the more that he wanted to go there now. There were just two things left on his list to get.

Write out/spell out numbers. Few exceptions.

-----------------------------

Additional Comments/Critique/Whatever/Anecdote

Anecdote:
In high school I had a teacher who alternately loved and hated grading essays. He said that a poorly written essay received a poor grade (that reflected the work) with minimal commenting on his part because he couldn't be arsed to teach a high school student the basics of English. Chief among them, what a sentence is (a complete thought), what a paragraph should be (a group of 5-7 sentences), and how to use a comma (which can trip you up). On the other hand, a well written essay was full of comments because it was written in a manner such that he was inclined to continue reading as there was no great hardship to read it.
As someone that loves this section, I'll read what you have to say regardless. And give my opinion. No matter the quality of writing. But just so you know, the easier it is to read it, the more likely I can get to it, and comment. Unfortunately, I'm swamped with a small shit ton of stuff, that I had to do before reading this. And I am so frigging sorry, that it took me for ever to get to the second chapter because it's one of the easiest things I did all day. In fact, I kept reading to chapter 3. Which leads me to my comments

Comments:
I love that you have given your character depth. You are detailed as necessary (though not as often as I'd like). You work is organized and clear for the most part.

Critique:
Though I am not a fan of Harry Potter and have never read any Harry Potter book in its entirety (or seen any Harry Potter movie in its entirety) I do enjoy reading your work and look forward to more Harry Potter. Though not perfect, I believe that even without my editing people would want to read this and should read this.

Whatever:
I'll post a reply to Chapter 3 soon. I need to finish making my rounds (responding/replying to other posts and threads), get more coffee, get some sleep, do some RP-ing, Get a PoM under way, prepare at least one (maybe two) awesome as all hell things for you guys, get more coffee, and repeat.

~ Cee Cee

[Syn]

It really makes my day to see your editing on this. When I read your changes and comments I think to myself "Maybe I should show you my novel". XD It's not something I would post as I hope to publish it.

But yeah, your dedication to writing and this section is commendable. To read a fanfic without prior knowledge in the world or history and still give meaningful critique is an admitable trait and i'm glad you enjoy my work. As an aspiring writer, it encourages me to keep writing so I thank you.

[ImmortalJed]

Hey

First of all, welcome Secondly, the technical aspects of your work have already been picked up on by Cee Cee, who is far more adept at helping with this stuff than me. However, I have read the Harry Potter books so I have a few questions to ask regarding the content aspect of your work, if you don't mind.

Here goes: How did Neville become Headmaster so quickly? There were so many other teachers at the school, If memory serves the majority of which survived the final battle so what happened to them?

Secondly, when did Hogwarts start paying for students school supplies? I know it's an exceptional case but it still seems a little odd to me. Also, I'm fairly sure a pet was optional, how comes he has one purchased for him as if it is a necessity?

These aren't attempts at ruining your story, I really like what you have written so far. I just wanted to ask some things that may give you some ideas of how to flesh this out so that it doesn't seem as if you are disregarding the canon.

Other than that, keep up the good work. Also, I love the fact his cat is called Aesop. It just seems right to me. =]

[Stiletto Kitty]

I have some questions in with the edits. And comments. The norm pretty much

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Chapter 3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Asura sat in the chair, watching as Cho paced up and down the dusty shop floor, shelves littered with all kinds of boxes. She looked on edge, tense even. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good.

Was Asura already sitting down? Or did he sit down without ever taking his eyes off Cho?

Asura seated himself, his eyes never leaving Cho who paced up and down the dusty shop floor, shelves littered with all kinds of boxes.
But that might be wordy.
Asura seated himself, his gaze steady on Cho who paced up and down the dusty shop floor. All around shelves were littered with various boxes, furthering adding to the clutter. (insert more description about the room to set the tone and environment.

Alternately if Asura was already seated, there's not really need to mention it as it adds nothing to the story. You can describe it as part of the environment if you want.
Asura's gaze never wavered while he watched Cho pace up and down the dusty shop floor.

Also, you don't have to say "up and down". You can just say "paced".

Asura looked at her. "So how do you know my parents?" he asked quietly.

Cho stopped and looked at the boy. "Your parents, Eliza and Daniel, met at Hogwarts. They were wizards. Fantastic wizards too. Did really well in the exams. Went on to work for the Ministry of Magic, our government. Your father worked in the Auror Office, that is, special police in our world, while your mother worked in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. They were great at what they did, hard-working, helpful to others." Cho sat down, next to Asura. "Ten years ago, your father was given a mission. He was to track down a particular Dark Wizard, who was at large in northern England. He was to go undercover as a Muggle, that is a non-magic user, and travel as a Muggle to draw less attention to himself."

Asura looked at her, taking in every word of her story. "And then his plane crashed."

Cho looked at the boy, her face covered in grief for Asura's father. "Yes. That was the day of the plane crash. The Ministry explained it all, I'm assuming. Plane crashes do happen all the time, after all. From what I heard though, your mother didn't believe it. She believed with all her heart that something magical caused the plane to crash. She also couldn't understand how your father died, when he could've used magic to protect himself. So she quit her job in the Ministry and made it her personal mission to investigate the crash. She applied for a position at the Muggle Police Department. That was where she met your stepfather."

Asura looked down at the floor, hiding his face full of disgust. "I knew he worked for the Police, but I didn't know he worked with my mother. What happened next?"

I'm lumping this entire segment.

You have a lot of dialogue here. Dialogue as in words said. But while these words are said the characters saying them are doing other things that are seemingly of no great import but give us a better idea of who they are.
At the very least these characters are breathing. When Asura asked "how do you know my parents" was there a hitch in his voice? Did he sound sad? Did the light leave his eyes?
When Cho said "fantastic wizards too" was there a bit of excitement to reveal that bit of information? Was it an after thought? Cho already said they were wizards but this next sentence seems it could have been an after thought. Or at least said with a bit more emotion. Enough to justify an exclamation mark (!) perhaps.

Additionally, we are now at Chapter 3. While I don't think it's a good time to add in colloquialism or dialect indicative of the characters, i think we've reached a point where we know enough about the characters' motivations but not enough visuals pertaining to them. (Dialect is useful to denote time periods and places)

Cho stood up, her eyes never leaving Asura. "The Ministry has never told anyone outside the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Your stepfather was the Muggle in charge of the crash investigation, and it was through your mother that he reopened the case to reinvestigate. However, no new evidence was found." Cho paced back and forth in front of Asura's chair. "After her surprise resignation, the Auror's Office thought it best to keep track of her actions. But one night, she managed to slip past the Aurors who were watching her, and since then she's never been seen."

Asura looked back up, wiping his eyes.He had never heard the full story before, so everything came as a bit of a shock, he had questions. Of course he did, but it wouldn't be wise to ask them without proper reasoning for asking. Sure, the questions were to do with his parents, but this Ministry of Magic may not know anything else. Or maybe they knew more than they told everyone. Still, there was one question that Asura couldn't stop himself asking.

"So, my parents were wizards," Asura began, scratching his head and looking up at the roof. He brought his eyes back down to Cho. "So why didn't they raise me as a wizard?"

Cho looked away. "I don't know. I can't know what your parents were thinking. Maybe they thought of doing it when you were a bit older? I can't say."

Asura stood up and walked over to Cho, smiling at her. "Thank you for telling me," he turned to Ollivander. "I think I'm ready for my wand, sir."

Ollivander walked over to Asura, a black box in his left hand. The old man opened the box and slowly pulled out a wand. He handed the wand to Asura. "Try this one, dragon heartstring, 11 inches. Yew. Quite flexible."

I underlined all the sentences that didn't fit or hard the same kind of error. The second paragraph is underlined entirely because all the sentences had the 'error'.

Though Cho stood and her eyes never left Asura. That's fine. But could she have started talking during the process of standing? Or did something else happen?
While I am grateful you don't do the "replied this" and "responded with" everywhere, in nature people don't normally act and then speak. Well they can but they are small little things that happen in between or while it's going.
Without ever breaking contact, Cho stood. "the ministry...."
There actually isn't much difference between my sentence and yours. Except that the two action you have in the sentence are now linked together. And then you have dialogue.

And that bit of dialogue was a mouthful. Certainly Cho didn't speak in a monotone voice. No pauses? No shortness of breath? I'd hope to see a shortness of breath after saying so many words

Cho paced in front of Asura's chair. No.
Pacing in front of Asura, "dialogue," she continued/whatever.
The chair isn't more important than asura. And asura should still be seating down. If asura is not then you could say "Cho paced in front of the area Asura vacated" or something along those lines. But that's not too important a detail so you could just leave it blank or let Cho stand in the same spot if it's easier. Think about this. Does what we call a rose were we to call it any other name still smell as sweet? Same rules apply. If roses could talk. Does it matter if the talking rose is in england or scotland? It's still going to be an important detail regardless of place.

Third paragraph you did not do this. And I was happy. Until that second sentence. If he had to bring his gaze back to Cho, it previously left her. At some point Asura averted his gaze. And for some reason it was important he swung his gaze back to Cho. If it wasn't important why mention it?

Fourth, fifth and sixth paragraphs were ok. The last had an 11. Tsk Tsk Tsk

Asura held the wand, confused and unknowning of what to should do with it. Slightly shrugging his shoulders, the boy waved it around a bit, before Ollivander reclaimed it.

"Not this one," he said. "No matter, plenty of wands here. All of them fine wands. No wand is ever the same. He walked to the back of the store, as if possessed by something. As if he was looking for a certain wand. He came back with a box in his hand and removed the wand. "How about this one then? Unicorn hair. Rowan. 12 inches. Good wand for Transfiguration." Asura held it and waved it around, just like he had done with the other one, unsure as to what the man was looking for. "Nope, not this one either," he said taking it back. "Never mind, we'll find you a wand." He proceeded back behind the counter and withdrew a box from the shelf to the right. "We'll try this one," he said taking it from its box. "Phoenix feather, Ash. 8 inches. Supple wand, perfect for Charms. Fitted with a little diamond to make it a little stronger." He handed it to Asura who waved it about. Ollivander took it back instantly. "No, not at all." He said, placing it in the box again. "You're a tough customer, but I think I have an idea."

He walked back to the counter and went into a drawer, pulling out a shiny new black box. "I finished making this wand just yesterday. He removed the wand slowly from its box. "Phoenix feather. Willow. 13 and a quarter inch. Has a ruby in it. Yes, yes. I think this is the one."

He handed Asura the wand. As soon as Asura's hand touched the wand, he felt a warm air travel through his body, inviting and refreshing. It was as if he had just stepped into a fresh summer day. A faint light came from the ruby in the handle and some sparks fired from the tip of the wand, in colours of dark red and silver. The old man smiled, slowly taking the wand from Asura and placing it gently back in its box. "My dear Mr. Blacknight, I believe we have just found your wand."

After Cho had paid the man for the wand, the two made their way out of the shop. Asura's thoughts had slowly drifted away from the conversation that happened in the shop, a new feeling of determination flowing through his mind. Determination to find his mother and help her continue her work in finding out what happened to his father. His real father. Asura bounced around the busy street, excited to start his education at Hogwarts.

Cho stopped walking, and looked down to Asura. "We're going in here." She pointed at the shop in front of them. A place called Magical Menagerie. The entrance was surrounded with all kinds of creatures. Asura was very surprised to see some Owls standing outside on perches, some were nibbling at seeds, others were just squawking loudly. Cho pushed the door open slowly, a small bell tinkling above. The animals on the inside perked up and started stirring, eager to see who had just come into the store. The hubbub from the creatures was unreal as they began to shriek and shrill in every way possible.

This is probably not a pivotal point in the story. It's only chapter 3. But I sense that there is something magical taking place here that will propel the story. I know not what it is, just that it does exist and it's somewhere in here. The tell tale sign is normally 'and then this happened'.
Though you don't say that, you come very close. Paragraph five. After Cho has paid the man.....
The paying for a wand isn't important. You spent the previous paragraphs discussing this wand. But you forget to pay for it. Sort of like an after thought to keep the story going "oh and yeah, Cho paid for the wand."
Great build up on everything else though. (Still, I need numbers as words. I'd also like to see a bit of emotion in your dialogue. Perhaps dialect as well.)

An elderly lady approached the two. "Welcome to the Magical Menagerie. How can I help you?" She looked down at Asura, her eyes bright with enthusiasm. "Well hello there! First year at Hogwarts, are we? Looking for your first pet?"

Asura looked surprised. "Pet?" He didn't know how to react. Because of his past living, he had never had a pet before. His stepbrother had a gerbil when he was seven. It died when he wanted to see what happened when a car ran it over. An image that Asura will never get rid of.

Cho stepped forward slightly. "Yes, this young boy is looking for his first pet."

The woman looked at Cho. "Well, you've definitely come to the right place. We have all kinds of animals here. Of course, you'll only be able to take an Owl, Cat or Toad, but that's not a problem. No it isn't!"

Her tone was friendly, but Asura couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed at her overcheerfulness. "Well, I think I would like a cat," Asura said, looking round at all the animals in the store. His eyes stopped on a black cat sitting in the corner. "I like that cat." He pointed at the cat. "Yeah, that cat."

The woman followed Asura's finger, and looked at the cat. "That cat? That cat is part Kneazle. He'll be very loyal to his owner. He's very quiet though, tends to keep to himself. But he'll be a wonderful friend."

Cho looked at Asura. "Are you sure that's the pet you want?"

Asura looked back at her, then at the cat, then at Cho again. "Yes," he said finally. "Yes, I would like that cat."

The woman went over to the cat and picked him up, stroking him gently before putting him in a carry-cage. "That'll be 5 Galleons," she said, smiling at Cho. Cho handed over the money and took the carry-cage. "Thank you very much," the woman said. "Thank you for shopping at the Magical Menagerie!"

Asura and Cho left the shop, the cat looking through the cage at Asura. The cat seemed to be purring gently, happy at the fact that someone bought him. Asura couldn't take his eyes off the creature. He had never seen anything so wonderful. Shiny black fur, tiny eyes that glimmered whenever light hit them and a tail that seemed never to stop moving.

Asura looked up at Cho, a smile spread across his face. "Thank you so much for all of this Cho," he said to her as they walked down the busy street, back towards the back entrance to the Leaky Cauldron.

Cho smiled back at him. "You don't need to thank me, just promise you'll work hard at Hogwarts."

Asura nodded. "I promise I will work hard!"

"Then you don't have to worry about it," she looked at the cat in the cage, who was now lying down. "Have you thought of a name for him?"

Asura pondered for a minute, then nodded at Cho. "Yes," he said, finally, looking at the cat. Asura remembered how, when we was eight, he would sneak into his stepfather's study and read books. He always made sure to put them back, so he wouldn't be in trouble, but one particular book always made him come back for more. He spent countless hours pouring through the pages, reading the many short stories that the pages held, memorising the wise words at the end of each story. These stories made him feel like there was hope. He knew the perfect name for his cat, thanks to these stories.

He looked at Cho. "He will be called Aesop."

It's is 1:25 am for me. There are only two reasons why I am going to keep critiquing instead of saving the rest for later:
1. you used the word 'menagerie' one of 'make me happy words'
2. I said I would and I should've done this sooner

Actually my biggest concern with this was the first paragraph. An elderly woman approached. There's little to no description of the shop. That was disappointing. When you change scene/setting it's almost always good to give sensory details about the new environment so the reader can orient themselves in the new place and you can give us surprises you couldn't give us before.

This time i underlined the parts i really liked. There is emotion in dialogue. And I am happy. I can say more. Just not now. Actually any other problems if any that were wrong with this segment were probably said earlier.

Also. Aesop. I expect great things from him. Aesop's fables. Tales of wonder and magic and stuff. This cat better be able to turn into a small version of Yoruichi or something

And that is all she wrote ladies and gentlemen.

[Stiletto Kitty]

It really makes my day to see your editing on this. When I read your changes and comments I think to myself "Maybe I should show you my novel". XD It's not something I would post as I hope to publish it.

But yeah, your dedication to writing and this section is commendable. To read a fanfic without prior knowledge in the world or history and still give meaningful critique is an admitable trait and i'm glad you enjoy my work. As an aspiring writer, it encourages me to keep writing so I thank you.

If you pm me/post here/whatever I read it and make suggestions. In truth you should be one step closer to being able to edit your own novel. One of the greatest service you can receive by posting here is constructive criticism you can use to advance your skills and incorporate into your creative writing repertoire. So I hope that if you ever wanted me to read a novel it was perfect with maybe the few strange sentences/questions of 'does this sound plausible.' (Notice that under most circumstances I do not comment on spelling. Technology has changed enough that you never actually need to know how to spell a world but be able to make educated guesses about how it is spelled. While i think this is something of a disservice to anyone that ever needs to know how to write, which is pretty much every woman, it means there shouldn't be an excuse for certain writing errors.)

My dedication to this section is boundless. And part of the reason is because I love these guys and gals. I'm happy to make you happy. But again, you guys fail to realize that you are doing the ultimate of service. I've said this of the GFX-ers too. It takes courage to create something, unsure of how it will be received but post it anyway for the whole world to see. I critique it and I edit it if I can. You're mom, this is your baby, I'm the doctor helping you along. You did the heavy breathing, sleepless nights, frustrating sighs, bloodcurdling screams, and pressed a 'submit button.' You've brought something into this world that I could not.

~ Cee Cee
And now I think i can go to bed.

[Syn]

Hey

First of all, welcome Secondly, the technical aspects of your work have already been picked up on by Cee Cee, who is far more adept at helping with this stuff than me. However, I have read the Harry Potter books so I have a few questions to ask regarding the content aspect of your work, if you don't mind.

Here goes: How did Neville become Headmaster so quickly? There were so many other teachers at the school, If memory serves the majority of which survived the final battle so what happened to them?

Hey! First, let me thank you for your questions and feedback. Your first question is a good one and it's very simple to answer: Neville is the logical choice, based on information revealed by Rowling herself.

I've set this story in 2019, for a specific reason which will be revealed in a later chapter. This story, being set 21 years after the Second Wizarding War, I had to look at the grander scale. The majority of the staff would be getting on a bit, age wise, proven by the fact that Headmistress McGonagall retired in 2017 (according to Rowling), which means a new Headmaster would be needed. I know that Neville became Herbology Professor, but I needed to fill those other subjects. Burbage was killed in 1997, Slughorn is older than McGonagall so he would have left before her. Snape died in 1998. In 2018, Hagrid would be 90 so I would put him in this bunch too. The only two who could still possibly be teaching are Flitwick (whose age is unknown) and Trelawney. However, Flitwick is described in the original story as being elderly with white hair, so I would personally (this is just my own speculation) put him with the leavers. This leaves the only two possible teachers at Hogwarts in 2018 to be Trelawney and Neville and out of the two, I would trust Neville to be a better Headmaster than Trelawney.

Because of the facts laid out and also the ages of those who were teachers, for this fanfic, I've had to completely restructure the staff at Hogwarts, because, to me at least, it makes more sense.

Secondly, when did Hogwarts start paying for students school supplies? I know it's an exceptional case but it still seems a little odd to me. Also, I'm fairly sure a pet was optional, how comes he has one purchased for him as if it is a necessity?

All my information comes from Rowling or is a logical choice by myself, in this case, Rowling herself stated that in exceptional cases it is permitted that the school pay for a student's first year items until they are set up with a guardian. In this case, because Cho and her husband have no children, Neville (as Headmaster) saw it in Asura's and Cho's best interests to have Cho herself be Asura's guardian until he comes of age. So the cat was a gift to him by way of welcoming him to her little family and also so he didn't feel so alone in a new place.

These aren't attempts at ruining your story, I really like what you have written so far. I just wanted to ask some things that may give you some ideas of how to flesh this out so that it doesn't seem as if you are disregarding the canon.

Believe me, the last thing I would want to do is unravel the world which Rowling worked to tirelessly to build. Anything I include from the previous source material is based on facts which she has put forward or ideas which, to me, make logical sense.

Other than that, keep up the good work. Also, I love the fact his cat is called Aesop. It just seems right to me. =]

Hehe. The decision to call the cat Aesop was a conscious choice by me, and comes from my childhood. As a child, I loved reading Aesop's Fables and Rudyard Kipling's Just So Stories. I loved the morals at the end of all of them, so I wanted to bring that into the story somehow. Calling the cat Aesop just seemed like a logical choice.

[ImmortalJed]

Hey

Very welcome for the questions. I have only read the actual stories, i haven't read anything else into the characters so that's where my confusion lies i think. From you answers i can tell that you have thought the areas in question out logically and i applaud you for doing so. Trelawny would make a rubbish headmistress, so Neville does seem the better choice. I look forward to seeing more from you =]

[Syn]

Time for a new chapter methinks. Here's Chapter 4.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Chapter 4*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It had been a couple of weeks since Asura’s trip to Diagon Alley and he had to admit that he was curious as to where he would go now that he was a wizard and couldn’t and wouldn’t return to his stepfamily. When he asked Cho about that, she simply smiled at him and told him what she had been asked to do.

“I’ve been asked to take care of you, until another relative or godparent can be tracked down for you,” she said, a smile on her face.

It was with that, that Asura found himself staying in a wonderful house in London, where Cho lived with her Muggle husband. Of course, he knew all about Cho and her magical powers, but Asura couldn’t help but feel that her husband was slightly weirded out by the idea. Asura brought some clothes with him, including his favourite black hoodie, which he never left without, but Cho insisted that all his clothes be washed, so Asura was stuck with clothes that Cho’s nephew would wear when he stayed over. They were a bit tight around the waist, but until his clothes were ready, he wouldn’t complain. After all, it was the first time in his life since he was very small that someone cared about him. He hadn’t felt this much love since the days that his mother was around.

His mother. Since he was told the story of his parents, Asura couldn’t stop thinking about his mother. Where was she? Did she track down dad’s killer? Was she safe? He had all of these questions burning inside him, but he didn’t feel comfortable asking them. Not yet, anyway. He could wait, patience is a virtue and it had its rewards.

Asura did feel kind of lonely at Cho’s place though. They never had children of their own, and Asura felt intimidated by her husband, only really leaving his room when it was time to eat. Cho was always away on Hogwarts business. A busy life she leads, Asura thought to himself, everytime she walked out of the door. He couldn’t help but think about all the wonders she would be seeing on her trips. It made him feel jealous, if only slightly, but soon he would be at Hogwarts. That thought always made him feel like he was king of the world. Besides, it’s not like he was alone. He had Aesop for company.

Aesop and Asura got along really well. Asura would feed his new friend everyday, and got help with cleaning him from Cho’s husband. He would let his new companion climb into his lap and purr happily as Asura stroked his long black fur. Asura would play with him using his socks, letting Aesop chase them around his bedroom. He had never smiled so much in his life.

Asura did notice one strange occurance while he stayed with Cho and her husband. A couple of days ago, Cho was in a rush because she received an Owl (a daily occurance in this household) from the Headmaster of Hogwarts. One letter in particular seemed to cause Cho great panic.

Asura was sitting at the breakfast table in the brightly painted kitchen, while Cho gave him some cereal. She sat down at the wooden table, a piece of toast in her hand, when the familiar sound of an Owl’s wings flapped onto the window ledge outside. She placed her toast down, stood up and walked over to the Owl, a letter in its beak. Cho stroked the Owl gently, giving it a treat of some sort. The Owl dropped the letter, snatched the treat and flew off, hooting happily.

Asura looked up from his cereal bowl. “Another letter from Hogwarts?” he asked his guardian.
Cho turned round and faced him. “Yeah,” she sighed. “No doubt another assignment. I’ve been so busy recently.” She tore the envelope carefully open, unfolding the letter to take a look at what was written. As she read, her face began to contort into one of panic. She threw the letter down and darted for the door.
Asura stood up from the table. “What’s wrong Cho?”
She opened the door, her eyes looking outside. “Nothing, nothing. You eat your cereal now.” With that, Cho walked out the door, closing it behind her, and disappeared.

Asura had never discovered why she was in such a hurry. He didn’t want to ask. It’s not my place to ask such things, he thought to himself. He just cast it out of his mind and continued with his usual thing.

All through the Summer, Asura spent countless hours in his bedroom, reading the books that he would take to Hogwarts. Every now and then, he would look at his wand, a smile spreading across his face, eager to try it out. He had read about all the spells in the Standard Book of Spells book, and he just wanted to try some of them. His favourite book so far though was Hogwarts, A History. He loved reading that book. It was like reading a fairytale, only he knew now that there was more truth in those pages than in any storybook he had read in his childhood. He had never finished the book, but it was still fun to read. He was confused when on the very first page it mentioned that the book he had was the “Revised Edition”. He didn’t think that much could be added to a school’s history, though apparently the author was very knowledgable in every aspect of the school. He was more curious by the fact that the author claimed to work in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement at the Ministry of Magic. He wondered if this Hermione Weasley person knew his parents.

The end of August arrived with great speed. Asura wondered where it all went. All of his stuff was packed into a huge trunk and Aesop was put into his cage, which he disapproved of, hissing while Cho put him in. She picked up a couple of nasty scratches, but she just kept going. They packed up their car, and they drove off to King’s Cross Station.

“So,” Cho said, turning around in the front of the cat. Her husband was driving. “Here’s your train ticket.” She handed Asura a white piece of card, with shining gold writing on it. “I’ll be with you every step of the way, so don’t you worry.”
Asura looked at the ticket, excited to be beginning his journey to Hogwarts. Nervous, but excited. He read the writing. Then again. And again. He looked up at Cho, who was watching him. She laughed.
“Don’t worry,” she said, almost choking on her laugh. “There is a Platform nine and three-quarters. I’ll show you.”

Eventually, they parked in the carpark at King’s Cross Station, Cho grabbed a nearby trolley and threw all of Asura’s belongings on it, placing Aesop’s cage neatly and gently down on the top. “Come on Asura,” she said to the young boy. “You'll miss your train if you don’t hurry!”

He nodded, pushing his heavy trolley down the tarmac and into the station. Winding his way around people, he could tell who was Muggle and who was Wizard, by the Owls in cages on some trolleys. He was so busy looking around for Plaform nine and three-quarters that he almost crashed into Cho, who had stopped.

“Okay,” she said, looking at a wall in the station. “Trust me on this one.” She pointed at the wall. “Walk towards it, or run. Whichever. But just go towards that wall and don’t stop.”
Asura looked at her, his eyes wide with shock. “Are you crazy? That’s a solid wall! I’ll crash!”
Cho put her left hand on his shoulder, smiling at him. “Trust me, it’s okay. I’ll be right beside you.”
Asura looked down at the ground, then looked back up at Cho, nodding at her. “Okay.”

Asura started pushing the trolley, gaining a bit of speed as he raced towards the wall. He squeezed his eyes closed, bracing for a crash. Nothing. He opened his eyes slowly.

He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. A large golden sign hung on the roof of the building. Platform nine and three-quarters! He looked behind him, touching the cold, but solid brick wall that he passed through. He pushed his trolley round the corner, a bright red steam train in front of him.

“Asura”, said a voice from behind him. It was Cho. “Welcome to Platform nine and three-quarters.”

[Shadow]

Ack! I forgot my comment on the last chapter.

Really, I feel incomplete, like you aren't describing enough, plus it's moving a little too fast with bare minimal information. I feel shorted. Also, hm... I think HP still is a bit more appealing but for one good reason. Where you chose to start. In HP it started when he was a baby with a little background info. He didn't know what the readers knew. Here, you have readers and the main character Asura (who I thought was a girl at first mind you) out of the loop. Which makes little sense.

The other issue I am having I forgot just as I remembered a second ago...

Hm... oh yeah, where did you find out this extra stuff, is it in the last book? (I haven't finished the last 2/3rds of the Half Blood Prince or Book 7 The Deathly Hallows).

Might I add that since reading this, I want to attempt a HP fanfic myself now? Not the same, some different to large different qualities but I don't want to ruin the world of Hogwarts, etc, so I want to read up on more. Plus I'd add a little uncommon stuff if it isn't against the rules.

Basically, a lot of information is missing and your story starts too late in my opinion. Any other technical pieces I managed to overlook or not pick up on. So I do apologize for that... And, you have given me hope at attempting my own HP FF, and first FF.

[Syn]

The way I wanted it to work was I wanted the readers to learn as Asura learned. The initial audience for this (ie. Where I first posted it) was people who had read the books and had all the background knowledge of the books. That's why the descriptive work is sloppy at points (no excuse I know).

As for my information, Rowling laid out certain aspects of the future of the story, ie. Who marries whom, who works where, etc. My information is based on information she has revealed, either through interviews or on Pottermore. Anything that isn't set in stone (such as Headmaster after McGonagall) I've merely speculated at logically.

What I never mentioned was these chapters (and all chapters up to Chapter 8 which is where I stopped) were all written before I started my novel. I wanted to hone my writing ability before tackling a larger story of my own. I figured HP would be the best place to do so. However, where I originally posted it I didn't get much in the way of constructive criticism, so the writing style never really changed.