This is just something I wrote uo along time ago and found still lurking in hte backup files on my desktop.
Though it would be nice to get some other peoples input on it seeing as I have recently been thinking of starting to write more.
A world of pain I used to know,
But it took your love to show,
Me a life with love and hope.
You came to me in a flash of light,
On the most perfect night.
Forever more I will love you,
My only hope is you'll love me to.Come sweet angel bless these dreams,
for memorys are all it seems,
i have of love peace and hope.
now these words are all that remain,
in this heart lays only pain,
for this now cold empty shell,
brings me only loveless hell.
"If we do not live another day,
Say this over our pyre;
They died like High Guard Lancers
with their faces to the fire"
Regimental hymn of the 13th imperial lancers
First, hi and welcome to Literature & Writing. My name is CeeCee and it's a pleasure to see new people come in from time to time
Originally Posted by Valsun
A world of pain I used to know, (a)
But it took your love to show, (a)
Me a life with love and hope. (b)
You came to me in a flash of light, (c)
On the most perfect night. (c)
Forever more I will love you, (d)
My only hope is you'll love me to. (d)
Come sweet angel bless these dreams,(e)
for memorys are all it seems, (e)
i have of love peace and hope. (b)
now these words are all that remain,(f)
in this heart lays only pain,(f)
for this now cold empty shell,(g)
brings me only loveless hell. (g)
So we have here a sonnet.
The rhyme scheme is interesting. (I say interesting because every stanza contains at least two lines that rhyme but you've only chosen to use 7 different sounds.)
As for punctuation. Not every line needs to end with some kind of punctuation. In that regard, not every line needs to begin with a capital letter. Line 2 doesn't need a comma. (Neither does Line 4.) Line 6 should probably end with a period. Not a comma. Line 7 to should be too. Line 8 doesn't need a comma. If you wanted to mix things up a little, you could put an exclamation mark there. Line 11 and Line 12 should end with a period.
Line 9. Memories, not memorys. Also I'm really hung up on line 8, 9, and 10 because they're the best lines ever. So I've played it over in my mind a few times and something is missing. If memories alone aren't enough to fulfill you then you'd ant to dream as well. In which case it should be "For memories aren't what they seem" or "For memories aren't enough" or something along those lines. The first option adheres to the rhyme scheme you've set forth, the second does not so disregard it ().
(If dreams were what they seemed, you wouldn't need a dream. You'd be able to hold onto the memory for ever. On the other hand, a memory is your remembered perception of an event. If something of this magnitude that you're describing was that astronomical you could constantly reinvent/add things to the dream to make it always appear as such. I think. I don't know.)
That's about it.
I actually agree with Reine for most of it. The punctuation of a comma is meant to initiate a pause, but if a line flows into the next line, a comma will only stunt the flow of the piece.
I found this piece interesting but it seems some depth was missing. I also liked your rhyme scheme. Interesting format to say the least. Ignoring two or three spelling errors, this piece was structurely flawless.
I think if you work on your ideas more and put them to paper, you'll have discovered a new world compared to the old world you experienced when you wrote this piece.
Plan on picking up a pen again to give new and fresh ideas?
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