Snake (poem)

[LunarTic]

Eve, alone, a frail delight,
Walking soft in eden's night,
She does not know yet how to care
An innocent, with glowing hair,

A single snake winds round her skin,
And as he winds, his scales dig in,
His coarse length grazing, holding tight,
His poison taints her from first bite.

A shadowed fruit hangs in her reach,
And it shall shame and taboo teach,
But it shall please as well as curse,
As in it's power she does immerse.

The snake pulls taut, it holds her fast,
A white sail hung before a mast,
And Adam falls into her sin,
And sheds her of some dainty skin.

And they are cast out in god's ire,
For betraying their true desire,
But they hold on to what they found,
Life's more fun when one is bound.

[Shadow]

Wow.

Way to take a religious moment of the bible and make it creatively interesting. Haha. I thought there might be a twist in waiting... lol

Really though, it's nice, doesn't seem solid in rhyme but it was bareable. God's ire? Could you explain that to me?

[Lobo78]

That's an awsome piece i love made religon more readable to me.

It's was nice and short i loved reading it i'm going to read it again meow

[LunarTic]

XD i had to make it more obvious in the end what it was all REALLY about, you guys would have no chance if i was trying my best to be totally subtle

Ire rhymes with desire and means like 'anger'/'wrath'.

[tinpot_creos]

XD i had to make it more obvious in the end what it was all REALLY about, you guys would have no chance if i was trying my best to be totally subtle

Ire rhymes with desire and means like 'anger'/'wrath'.

Pretty good. I try to steer clear of religious stuff myself. can't afford to be subtle with religious stuff, lots of closed minds to whom subtlty does nothing to.

Fairly clever rhyming in parts, a little clunky in others. I suppose it's all I how it's read out, lol.

Nice twist.

[LunarTic]

Lol, it's not religious really the imagery is, but the actual stuff is...well, work it out XD

[Shadow]

"Life is more fun when one is bound" certainly changes the meaning or direction of the piece, but I don't quite catch how it fits.... the twist I was picking up on.

[Stiletto Kitty]

Lol, it's not religious really the imagery is, but the actual stuff is...well, work it out XD

I <3 you.

I didn't see this as religious at first... because it's you. I assumed you were just using this as a set up for something else. Because that's your MO
That about sums up my idea of critique. As for everything else...
No spelling errors, grammar is acceptable as far as I know. The 'e' in edens's needs to be capitalized. Erm..... I didn't think the last line was...
I thought it would sound better if you started the last line with 'because'. I tested it out and it didn't. But then I thought why not say something about what happened to them as well as get at the bondage thing? And I came up with "Living in sin is best when one is bound"
Or something of that nature. I guess I just really at the crux of things didn't particularly like the word 'fun'. It felt like a word that didn't belong. Sin as far as I know adam and eve were the original sinners.
I don't know. those are just my sentiments.