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  • Results 1 to 12 of 12

    1. #1
      I'm not here to stroke my ego
       
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      explodingdragon's Avatar
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      Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      The Main Character Challenge


      Thanks to those who took part in our challenge, we hope it was useful for you.

      For new members, this thread is for the aftermath of challenges. People have worked hard to create, and we let them know how they did.

      For older members, you'll notice there's no numerical grade this time around. There won't be in the future either. There will still be awards, and always feedback to help you improve, but no abstract grades.

      If anyone has any questions about the challenge or their work, feel free to post them here. If you would like to give comment on member's challenge entries, please use the links provided and post in the appropriate member's portfolios.

      Entry 1:

      @DJ_Devisoluton - Writer

      Entry:
        Spoiler:  
      Page1- A view of people firing guns all over the place, smoke is coming out from holes, someone throws a grenade really far into the air.
      Page2- a young boy, who couldnt be older than 17 years old says "this is johan calling in, come in command!" he repeatedly asks for backup in the radio, saying that they cant hold on much longer.
      page3- a girl is firing her gun while telling johan that its no use because the radio is probably being jammed.
      Page4- a guy holding a rocket launcher tells them not to give up as he gets up and fires a shot.
      page5- we see the three people whom was in the previous pages hiding behind a tall stack of sandbags, gunfire being shot all over the place.
      page6- the three appears to have heard something and wonder amongst themselved what the noise could be.
      page7- parts of a tank is shown throughout the page with a man holding a sniper sticking out of the cockpit.
      page8- the man shoots and the bullet hits an enemy tank, causing an explosion
      page9- The three call out "ARGON!" and each of them now has a smile on their face. Argon apologizes for being late and announces that the cavalry has arrived.
      Page10- Argon shoots bullets concecutively from his sniper and makes the bullets hit an enemy each time he shoots. "time to turn the tide of the battle" he announces with his right arm up in the air.


      An action packed start to a story. You introduce side characters easily, who in turn establish Argon as the hero. The scene is clearly the beginning of a good war drama, but we're not sure what sort of war. There's nothing in the descriptions to indicate the setting. You don't mention weapons, uniforms or technology level, or if the enemy are human. That said, this information could also be in a synopsis, brief or character bios, so it's no big deal.

      I get the feeling it's a WW2ish urban battle; that the boy, girl and old man are volunteers defending their town. I'd like to know if that's correct.

      Overall: Good job, keep it up.

      DJ_Devisoluton portfolio: http://www.animeleague.net/forum/showthread.php?59985-Isolated-space(DJ_Desolate-s-portfolio)-A-W


      Entry 2:

      @Scott - Writer

      Entry:
        Spoiler:  
      Page 1: A full shot of the main character (Robert), sat on the floor. Eyes closed, looking exhausted. His clothes are torn, his face and arms are cut, and his body looks quite limp. The sun is shining in from a nearby window.

      Page 2: A couple of panels, each one showing a different area of the school. Each room is empty, but extremely messy, and damage can be seen on the walls. A bit of information is revealed in each panel, showing the thoughts of Robert. They explain how his life has become rather hectic in just one day, and it was all thanks to "that girl".


      Page 3: We switch back to where Robert is sat, his face screwed up in anger now. Footsteps can be heard further down the corridor, in an area which is shaded from the sunlight. He starts to lift himself up. We then see the shadow of a school girl stepping out of the shade. The last panel of this page is the smiling face of said school girl, grinning in a sinister manner.


      Page 4: We now flashback to earlier that day, when school is starting. Robert is entering the schoolgrounds, his uniform intact and uninjured. He is laughing with his best friend (Tommy), when he bumps into a girl. He has never seen her before, and after apologising, continues on his way to class. The girl is never clearly shown, though we see the back of her as Robert apologises.


      Page 5: In class, we see Robert sitting down, saying hello to a few people in the room. The teacher comes in and announces a new transfer student. She walks in and it appears as though she is the girl Robert bumped into earlier. She introduces herself as Anna, and reveals that she knows Robert's name, despite him not knowing her.


      Page 6: Anna is given a seat next to Robert, where she proceeds to stare at him intently. Robert attempts to ignore her, and the panels show Anna's face inching towards Robert's. He begins to show frustration on his face.


      Page 7: As he turns to shout at her, he realises she has in fact left the room already (the scene suggests that it is lunchtime, as the other students are either eating food, or standing around with others). He heads out of the classroom in an attempt to find her.


      Page 8: He spots her heading down the corridor, and chases after her. He finds himself outside the school building, inbetween the sports storage building and the gym. She is stood facing towards him, looking almost shy in stance, but her face shows one of intense happiness. The girl says she's been waiting for him, whilst Robert shouts asking what she wants with him.


      Page 9: In a matter of fact manner, she tells him that they're going to get married. She pulls out a pair of rings, puts one on her finger, and then moves towards the main character with another. Another boy from their school comes round the corner towards them.


      Page 10: The girl's face turns to one of rage. She shouts at the schoolboy telling him that he should not have interrupted them. She pulls a cleaver from her school bag and chops the boy's head off. Blood spatters across her clothes and face. She then smiles at Robert, as though nothing has happened.


      A good start to a very distrubing story. You don't reveal much about the main character, besides him being normal. But I suppose if he's the Every Man he's a foil to the Crazy Girl. As said, it's good, but very fast. What we've got in ten pages would better serve stretched over a few chapters, or it will be a very short story.

      My only other quibble is that you have a lot happening in some pages, particularly 3, 9 and 10. These would be quite cramped if drawn. Spread them out over a couple of pages each to make them less cluttered.

      Overall: Nicely shocking, but fast.

      Scott's portfolio: http://www.animeleague.net/forum/showthread.php?60082-Scott-s-Portfolio-(W)


      Sadly, @Kin-Chan had to drop out of the challenge due to a broken computer. Feel free to leave get-well-soon messages for the poor computer.

      Entry 3:

      @explodingdragon - Writer

      Entry:
        Spoiler:  
      Title – Being Human

      Page 1 – Man with a sniper rifle is climbing pile of rubble, whistling as he goes. Sets up rifle on a rock and looks through the scope. All around him are abandoned buildings on the very of collapsing.

      Page 2 – Sniper is looking at a small horde of zombies slowly advancing on Kill Squad of armoured humans at the base of the small the Sniper is on. Sniper radios to group that he’s in position. Kill Squad reply and form a line facing the zombies.

      Page 3 – Kill Squad dispatch some of the zombies as Sniper keeps a count and watches for other small hordes.

      Page 4 – Sniper is confused, looking about the surrounding buildings (through scope). Kill Squad hear sniper mumbling over the radio and ask what’s wrong.

      Page 5 – Sniper says there may be a group of survivors in the area, he can see some people in the buildings nearby. Squad Leader asks if it’s more zombies. Sniper says it isn’t, as they’re not leaving the buildings. Looking about, he can see shadows in doorways.

      Page 6 –Squad Leader looks up at the Sun, shining overhead. He radios to Sniper that it could be a vampire. Sniper replies that he’s seeing people in different buildings, with gaps between them too long to keep to the shadows (panel will show miniatures of two buildings, with a shadow stretching from one to the other but stopping short. A vampire will be in the shadow, smiling. Another vampire will be in the gap between shadow and other building, on fire). Squad Leader says that means it’s a fast vampire. Sniper acknowledges.

      Page 7 – Sniper switches radio frequencies and calls to base for a Super. Down the hill, Squad Leader brains a zombie, gets his weapon caught in its head, stops another zombie biting him by using his gauntlet (armoured forearm similar to dog attack suits), frees his weapon by kicking the first zombie away, brains second zombie.

      Page 8 –Squad Leader glances about, calls for a count. Only twelve zombies left. Squad Leader looks up, small cloud cover is coming. He orders squad to finish zombies quick then they’re bugging out. Squad shouts an affirmative.

      Page 9 – Squad bash, smash, squash and behead zombies. Stand victorious over pile of corpses. A strong wind throws up dust all around them.

      Page 10 – Squad Leader looks up, cloud already partially covering the Sun. Shouts for defensive stance, vampire incoming. Squad forms up; Leader radios Sniper for ETA on Super. Sniper shouts for help. Squad Leader looks up the hill at Sniper, who is lying on his back trying to use his rifle to fend off the vampire that’s lying on top of him.

      Page 11 – The squad scramble up the hill as Sniper struggles with vampire. Sniper loses his rifle and is about to be bitten when a beam of light (from ground level) hits the vampire. The vampire screams in pain.

      Page 12 – The Super, Michael, runs towards the vampire with his UV torch as it rolls away from Sniper, smoking. Vampire tries to leap away, but Michael catches its foot in mid-air. It tries clawing him, he punches it.

      Page 13 – Michael and Vampire exchange blows. Vampire tries to run, but Michael catches its back.

      Page 14 – Michael lifts Vampire overhead. The Sun comes out from behind the cloud. The vampire catches on fir. Vampire screams as it burns alive.

      Page 15 – Michael throws the burned husk of the Vampire to the ground. He asks the squad if there are any injuries. After checking Sniper, Squad Leader says no. Michael suggests they leave the area.


      Your introduction straight in action is too long, the setting is good, everything is clear, but the two main character, i can't say who is the main one at first, if Sniper or Michael, doesn't have a great impact, or show many emotions and their role in the story is not clear, they just fight. I'd like to assume Michael being the main one, you show some trait of his character and he seems pretty much experienced in the matter (fighting monsters?) and somewhat interesting. You manage the story flawless, if you are plannig such a long introduction for the main character i would suggest you to put more emphasis in the pages preceding its entry.

      Good as usual.

      ExplodingDragon's portfolio: http://www.animeleague.net/forum/sho...-s-portfolio-W

      Entry 4:

      @@oreo_81369_17 [/URL] - Artist

      Entry:
        Spoiler:  


      Your introduction of the main character straight in action is the best choice for your work and is very well executed, i especially like how you manage page 1,it give us many details about the character, he is depressed and bored, bullied by his/her boss and your regular setting of panels ( same size, same situation) give a strong idea about how his daily routine is stressing and oppressing.
      The story flows very naturally, i really like the close shot of his hands on the desk in first panel, page 2, when he takes the decision to leave his job, it perfectly give to the reader the idea of how painful but firm his decision is. His meeting with the fortune teller is very well made ​​as the rest of the story.
      Being a story without dialogue I have to say that expressions and poses have a vital role for the understanding of the work and, as usual, you manage both in an exellent way, not an easy task.
      I really like the concept of the whole story itself and the last page leaves the reader in suspense which is really good.
      I think this is a really well executed and enjoiable work.

      Excellent!

      Oreo's portfolio: http://www.animeleague.net/forum/sho...-%283-16-11%29

      Entry 5:

      @SinXForr - Writer

      Entry:
        Spoiler:  
      Page One/Intro Page: In the middle of the page, shows Inari with a split in his face (like Naruto and Sasuke in some volume of Naruto) with him as a child and when he has the mask of Keyser on; With the title above saying: "WITHIN DARKNESS" and below it, it will say: "Volume 1: The Awakening"

      Page Two/Table of contents: shows list like
      ACT 1: -Insert Title here- Page Number-
      ACT 2: -Insert Title here- Page Number-
      ACT 3: -Insert Tilte here- Page Number-
      ACT 4: -Insert Title here- Page Number-

      Page Three/Title Page: Within Darkness
      Details include a picture of my Character Inari/Gotron looking forward (in the center of the page), Volume One in the bottom left corner

      Page/Four/Panel 1
      Is black with a text box saying "Zzzzzzzz" and a logo that says Within Darkness Act One -insert title here-

      Panel 2
      View point is looking down at Inari with his eyes half open, and his head turned towards his right looking at a wall

      Panel 3
      Shows Inari sitting on his bed head in his hands saying "whew" view point is coming from behind him and it shows Rein standing in his door way with his arms crossed and Rein saying "Well? We gonna train or not?"

      Panel 4
      View point is on Rein looking with a scowl on his face, a vein starting to pop from his face and a text bubble saying "Well? Answer me"

      Page/Five/Panel 1
      View point is on both of them at an angle and Inari shall now be standing up with a fist already made and Rein is kind of zoomed out a tad and a speech bubble saying from Inari "Yeah, I heard you."

      Panel 2
      View point shows behind Rein so that he is walking forward and Inari stands there a little zoomed out so he appears smaller then a speech bubble from Inari "...So just quit while youre ahead..."

      Panel 3
      Shows Inari bent over and Rein with a fist in his brothers stomach the scene is above them and Rein says "Youre weak."

      Page/Six/ Panel 1

      Shows Rein leaving the scene and Inari on his hands and knees and his eyes closed and a thought bubble for Inari "I hate him so much, I want to kill him."

      Panel 2
      Is a black panel with a set of eyes in the center of the page and a text box saying "yessss, give into your darkest wishes..."

      Panel 3
      Shows Inari looking around his room saying and the view point is looking from the door way "Who said that?"

      Panel 4
      A black mass started flowing around Inari and the scene is over his shoulder and a text bubble saying "Dont you remember Inari? You will soon."


      This is a tricky read. The script it so light I'm having trouble telling what's going in. This isn't because it's only three pages of content either. You don't describe the scene at all, so the reader doesn't know where they are. What country/year/universe are they in?

      For formatting your script, you don't need to say 'show', at all. The reader of the script knows they are reading descriptions of panels. When setting the view point, be specific. "View point is on both of them at an angle" tells the reader nothing. What angle? Up or down? To the left or right? High or low? 'Over the Shoulder', 'Close up' and 'Bird's eye view' are all valid, use those.

      For actual characterisation, this is hard to judge. It's very light on content, so most of my questions would likely be answered later in the story. You've got Inari and Rein, and a black cloud. Inari hates Rein, but puts up with him. Rein doesn't have a high opinion of Inari. You get these facts out, but it's too quick to sink in. Next time add more content so we can understand the situation better.

      The key thing to remember here is: if it's not on the page, the reader doesn't know it exists. Describe every room and every person. Show every part of every moment. You know everything about the story, but the reader knows nothing, so you have to tell them all of it.

      SinxForr's portfolio: http://www.animeleague.net/forum/sho...n-Darkness-W-A

      Entry 6:

      @RyuKai - Artist

      Entry:

        Spoiler:  























      You did a really good work, the panels are very clear and detailed, amazing drafts!

      I would like to mention that the first page is singular, i'm a bit confused cause you wrote 2 on the second page uploaded, in that way your page pacing won't work really well because there is no good break between page 2 and 3 (they change setting and situation) that in a normal manga were displayed simoultanously, so i go ahead assuming that the first page you uploaded is just an illustration or a draft for the cover.

      the first page (the second uploaded) shows a clear intoduction of the main character Elz, we know her name and that she is an exorcist, a strong one and that she is in good terms with Sarah, the page flows really good and i really like the change of point of view.

      The second page is good as well you show Elz powers. Again really good paneling, but about the first two panels i suggest you do leave a bit of space between them or change the perspective they look a bit confusing at first glance.

      i love how you divide in two panels the pic that show Sarah in trouble, and page 4 works really well, i like those speed lines effects and I especially love the panel in wich Elz take Sarah hand and he pop up from the panel, nice visual impact!

      The story from now flow really smooth and the characters expressions, and the continous change of panels size, from large to medium to close, create a really good mood and timing that captures readers attention.

      The charcter design is really good, as paneling, your story has a really good timing, the main character introduction is flawless, you let the reader know all he need to, her goal included. The only thing that lack is a proper setting. Usually if you draw a story with no specification about setting we assume the story is happening here and now, but i'm not pretty sure about it seeing the clothes the old lady wears. On another note i would suggest you to try different perspective point of view, in order to make your panels more interesting and add to the story more flow. (even if i have to say you mange really well one point perspective for all the story, seeing how good it looks!)

      All in all this is a really well done job. Enjoiable and interesting. Exellent.


      Ryukai's portfolio: http://www.animeleague.net/forum/sho...fiolio-(TA-DA)



      If you're taking part of the challenge (mentioned below) and don't have your entry in yet, don't be alarmed. You'll see in the list your individual deadline. Be sure to post your work in the original challenge thread (THIS IS A LINK) before your deadline and we'll provide feedback in this thread.

      @쿠키. : June 16th (artist)
      @OAS : June 21st (artist and writer)
      @Kuran89 : June 21th (artist)
      @@oreo_81369_17 [/URL] : june 21th (artist)
      @Ziegsy : June 22th (writer)
      @SinXForr : june 22th (writer)
      @RyuKai : July 2nd (artist)

      Remember folks: Any questions, post them here. Any comments or notes on the entries, post them in the portfolio.
      Last edited by Anni; 07-13-2012 at 09:41 AM.

      "If you want to become a manga creator, you've got to be able to meet your deadlines." - Tsugumi Ohba







      My Manga Forge portfolio can be found HERE.

      Follow my ramblings on twitter: @ExplodingDragon
      Read my blog at: www.explosivewriting.com
      Add me to your Google+ circles: gplus.to/ExplodingDragon

    2. #2
      This dream is only nigh unnatainable. there's still a chance
       
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      からす猫のデソル's Avatar
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      Re: Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      thanks for the critique, i could have made it better were i not getting completely distracted... because i was getting completely distracted, i decided to just write something on the spot while nothing's distracting me XD took me about 10 minutes to write down... also, its as you said, an urbanised technology level. if you want more info on the story, i'd be happy to PM you.


      thanks for the lovely siggy sumi and Himeno^^ GUMI-ISM FOR LIFE BISHES!

    3. #3

      Re: Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      heeee when will the other gr~~~ critiques be done? for the others that have been finished?
      "The ultimate flaw in the plethora of human flaws, is that we think we know what the person next to us is thinking." -Unknown

      Manga Forge Portfolio edited 4/10/11 [url=http://s1207.photobucket.com/albums/bb477/Whiskers_Underwear/[/url]


    4. #4
      Supreme Button!
       
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      Re: Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      Thanks for the critique

      It's supposed to be somewhat fast anyway, for various reasons, but I do understand how some pages were going to be cramped. I was mainly debating how to change that, but then I figured, that's probably something I'd work on more once it gets to the scripting stage.

      Thanks again though


    5. #5
      I'm not here to stroke my ego
       
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      Re: Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      @oreo_81369_17 Other completed entries will be posted tomorrow evening.

      "If you want to become a manga creator, you've got to be able to meet your deadlines." - Tsugumi Ohba







      My Manga Forge portfolio can be found HERE.

      Follow my ramblings on twitter: @ExplodingDragon
      Read my blog at: www.explosivewriting.com
      Add me to your Google+ circles: gplus.to/ExplodingDragon

    6. #6

      Re: Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      woohoo! thanks~ <3
      "The ultimate flaw in the plethora of human flaws, is that we think we know what the person next to us is thinking." -Unknown

      Manga Forge Portfolio edited 4/10/11 [url=http://s1207.photobucket.com/albums/bb477/Whiskers_Underwear/[/url]


    7. #7
      I'm not here to stroke my ego
       
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      Re: Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      Entries 3 and 4 are in! Read above and tell them your thoughts in the portfolios or this thread.

      "If you want to become a manga creator, you've got to be able to meet your deadlines." - Tsugumi Ohba







      My Manga Forge portfolio can be found HERE.

      Follow my ramblings on twitter: @ExplodingDragon
      Read my blog at: www.explosivewriting.com
      Add me to your Google+ circles: gplus.to/ExplodingDragon

    8. #8

      Re: Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      WOO! gosh gosh im so glad it seems like an interesting story! aaaaah seriously i was worried no dialogue wouldn't work but im so glad you think it works!!
      "The ultimate flaw in the plethora of human flaws, is that we think we know what the person next to us is thinking." -Unknown

      Manga Forge Portfolio edited 4/10/11 [url=http://s1207.photobucket.com/albums/bb477/Whiskers_Underwear/[/url]


    9. #9
      I'm not here to stroke my ego
       
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      Re: Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      Another piece of feedback is up! @SinXForr 's entry. Have a read, do you agree or disagree with the feedback?

      "If you want to become a manga creator, you've got to be able to meet your deadlines." - Tsugumi Ohba







      My Manga Forge portfolio can be found HERE.

      Follow my ramblings on twitter: @ExplodingDragon
      Read my blog at: www.explosivewriting.com
      Add me to your Google+ circles: gplus.to/ExplodingDragon

    10. #10
      Moderator
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      Re: Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      I agree its a little too vague.
      It needs to say where these brothers are to set the scene better and maybe a little more dialogue either verbal, internal maybe a flashback to better explain how the resentment came about.
      It has the makings of a good story just needs too be a little more in depth.
      Last edited by RyuKai; 07-04-2012 at 09:02 PM.



    11. #11
      SEROTONIN RX
       
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      Re: Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      I would like to say that a lot of my time during this whole challenge was spent helping my family so I barely had time to even come up with anything good, so I would have to agree, but I did state that it wasnt going to be very descriptive... oh well

    12. #12
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      Re: Main character challenge - Feedback and Discussion

      @SinXForr this is not a bad judgement, just some suggestion to help you improve. I liked a lot how you planned the cover and the firsts pages with chapters list and illustration, very detailed. Seeing that you didn't say anything about the setting i assume the story happens here and now, and , aside some lack of description, (maybe if you had time to write the character description it would be more clear), your story has a really good flow, and i like the way you focus on characters poses and feelings it creates a good mood and it makes looks your haracter effective and lively. I'm sure you can do better, keep at it!




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