The day you looked into my eyes and whispered through your guilt, ''I love you, Jen." I knew was the day I'd never get away. The statement itself was redundant, it had been obvious for some time, and although I knew, still I was thrown back. It hadn't been long enough, had it? Granted we had moved in together after a few months of dating, and we'd known each other just shy of a year, but still! Love? I wasn't sure what to say, or how to say it without sounding like a horrible person. He would leave if I didn't say it, wouldn't he? I would be left alone, to fend for myself in the big bad world, hours away from my family and those who truly loved and cared for me. I couldn't let that happen, wouldn't let it happen. All of these thoughts quickened in my mind until I came to a conclusion that I should have come to moments before. The words passed my lips before I could stop them, through fear of no one ever wanting me. Of ever loving me, I had to reciprocate.
"I love you too" I said, but I couldn't look him in the eyes, couldn't resonate its truth, the truth was I didn't. I was in love with someone else. I had been for two years now, I knew in reality that it was never going to happen so why dwell? I wanted to cry, curl up and never speak to anyone again, I was a fraud. That's how it began. His eyes lit up like a child's at Christmas, he truly sincerely meant it, those words I had longed to hear from another. We sat and ate the dinner he had cooked in silence, he was content and I was okay. Which was a good day in my books, I was rarely okay in honesty.
Lying on the bed next to him, in pain and agony, I looked across at him. He was already turned away from me asleep, as usual. This was our routine, and we had it down pretty well, he'd demand sex, I'd say no and he'd do it anyway. Was this really all I had to look forward to in my life? Raped daily, beaten in the process? I sighed softly to myself, in far too much pain to contemplate sleep.
He was a heavy sleeper, nothing short of a tornado could wake him once he was off, snoring innocently as a baby, the irony was painful. I glanced over at him once more, looking so angelic and still in his sleep. Peace comes easy to some, not to me. Irony makes me smile often, logically I knew I was not wrong for wanting to leave, and never turn back. But emotionally I felt guilt, he looked after me, just had a bad temper is all. He wasn't a bad person, not evil like you see in films and read in those tragic books.
I got out of bed as quietly as I could, grabbed the keys of the table and crept towards the front door. Maybe I could just leave? Go, and not come back. Maybe I could leave all this behind and not have to do it any more. I had my hand on the door handle, keys in my other hand, they jangled slightly. I turned to glance back at him once more, to realise he was not in bed any longer; "shit" I swore under my breath as his eyes burrowed into my accusingly.
"Where the hell are you going?" He said, barely above a whisper, I flinched. He never shouted, didn't need to, his tone was obvious.
---------- The Next Day ---------------------
The sunlight was streaming through the narrow gap of the cream and gold embroidered curtains, irritating and too bright. An East facing window seems like such a excellent selling point when browsing the housing market especially in a sunny sea-side town like this one however in reality it's not so great when you're trying to sleep in. I moved my hand slightly, it twinged with pain. I furrowed my brow remembering what had happened the night before No point dwelling on the past I thought, almost crying as I picked up my wrist to look at. It was almost certainly broken, I'd have to strap it up and go to the hospital. I doubt they were buying my bullshit excuses of falling and walking into doors, so cliché.
I got up, carefully and examined my face in the mirror, at least there were no visible marks there, no long stares as I walked along the street. Good. As I was dressing, I noticed bruises on my thigh and shuddered remembering the night before once more, No! I commanded myself Tonight he wont, he doesn't mean to. You just have to stop making him so damned angry Jen. Understand? Good. I pushed the thought of him holding me down, of demanding what he was convinced was his to take, as for from my mind as I could and continued to get dressed and walk to the bus stop.
The crisp air of the early spring morning met me as I opened the front door and locked it shut behind me, I mused at the colours spring bought with it. The flowers planted by the council were just starting to bloom, a splash of colour from the early flowers mixed with the sprigs of green of those yet to flourish. I felt like a late bloomer, I'd never thought of living with anyone before, independent. Only wanting company on my terms, not theirs - like the late flourisher, blooming as they pleased taking no notice of the uncharacteristically warm spring we were having.
walking along the street to the bus stop just the other side of the houses and in the opposite direction to the coast line was pleasant, the salt in the air made my skin feel fresh but hated my hair, it stood as a tangled voluminous mess on my head, untamed and refusing to be any other way.
The wind swept around me, the cars under the bridge kept wooshing past in a flurried blur of lights and noise. Tears streamed down my mascara swept face, my makeup was a mess but I didn't care. Why couldn't he just love me? I knew he did really, why wouldn't he just say it. I could just jump, it'd be done. There would be silence, no more thinking no more crying. Just. nothing. A voice came from behind me; "Nenny, what in hells name are you doing, I'm only gonna pull you back once, if you jump after that it's up to you" He said, as he was grabbing me by my arms and pulling me back over the other side. It had started to rain, how long had I been standing on the wrong side of a bridge for? My hair was in my eyes, I pushed it back and stared at my rescuer, it was him why would he be here, why would he try to help!
"Why wont you love me?!" I yelled at him and pushed him away, a new set of tears emerging from my eyes. He looked back at me, his blue eyes saddened, but he didn't respond; "I'll never be her will I?! I'll never be good enough! I hate you, just GO!" I screamed at him, and I started running very awkwardly, I slipped and fell. He was behind me again, picking me up, "Jen, come on, lets go to Sara's. She said we can stay there tonight.
The hospital waiting room was packed, ladies and gentlemen, if you choose to be sick. Don't do it on a Thursday, for some reason everyone was here, and they were all staring at me. Probably the mess my hair was or the fact that I was wearing a turtle-neck jumper which was completely uncalled for considering the weather. The triage nurse looked at my chart, forms and other info she had. She gave me the once over, that typical "I don't believe you but I'm going to go with it because filling out forms is a pain" look. Handing me some painkillers after setting my wrist in a cast and telling me to ''keep safe'' she sent me on my way and I was back on the bus.
Last edited by <3kisskissbangbang<3; 04-27-2012 at 10:33 PM.
Hm. An interesting perspective in those haunted worlds we know about and fear. Typically.
You should edit your run on sentences, capitalize your first words in the sentences and ... I forgot the other one. LOL. Well, I must give in that you displayed enough detail to keep me interested. Plenty of conflict and anticipation for what was to come. I am pleased you weren't too descriptive for certain parts as most of it was unneeded anyways to get your thoughts across. Overall a respectable piece, if you clean it up of course.
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Thank you Shadow, i love you
I didn't want to give graphic scenes, they're too emotional for me to write and it would just be sloppy, but I wanted it to imply what happened. I think I managed to do that? I was half faling asleep when I wrote this and wrote it in less than half an hour so...sorry for the messyness and ....untidyness.
I shall go through and tidy it up now
The bit you have added since i last saw it is good. Descriptive yet not too much. Keep up the good work.
Thanks ImmortalJed <3 x
In all honesty, I really enjoyed that.... That little bit really captures reader's attention o.o....
You shoot me down but I won't fall... I am titanium...
If you know you'll get far; baby you can win it; you will kill it;cause the sky
ain'teven the limit.
I find that the ending really didn't do it for me.... o-o Just wasn't all that captivating like the rest was. A lot of spelling errors migth I add that I found distracting.
By detail I meant scenery, not so much vivid ins-n-outs of the interactions that would affect or offend women and some men.
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