Pro Vs Anti DJ_Desolate's Submission [MS]-[Vote!]

[Shadow]

DJ_Desolate's "Clock-tower Valentine" Manga Script submission for Pro VS Anti

(For details on voting, see next post).

Title: Clock-tower Valentine
Piece: Story

  Spoiler:  

Clock Tower Valentine(short story)
3 days ago, My parents dies in a car crash... My only family left then was my older sister Jurie. She was sickly so I, Shugo Asura, along with my childhood friend, Sophia Melford whom offered to help, had to take care of her, while taking care of ourselves in the process. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and my sister’s condition seems to be getting worse by the minute... Me and Sophia are getting worried that our worst fears may be confirmed.
Around 3:30PM we took her to the nearby hospital and checked her in...
Sophia: Thank god the medical insurance still hasn’t expired huh?
Shugo: Yeah...
After we got her to a room, we were told visiting hours and that we could bring food in for her if we wanted while they examine her status.
Jurie: I’m sorry for all the trouble... you didn’t need to go out of your ways to bring me here... I’m fine, really!
Shugo: Sis, how could you say such an obvious lie?! You’re burning up even as we speak!
Sophia: Shugo, calm down!
Shugo: ...Sorry... anyways, is there anything you want us to get you before visiting hours are over?
Jurie: No, its fine. I just need a rest for now, thanks for your concern. *Jurie smiles lightly and falls asleep before being able to say anything else*
Sophia: Hey Shugo, we should get her some flowers for Valentines tomorrow
Shugo: I guess that’s a good idea... but what if her condition turns for the worst?
Sophia: hmm.... then how about I look after her while you get the flowers...?
Shugo: *nods* yeah, that could work I guess.
Sophia: alright then, I’ll call you if something comes up, bye!
I said my farewell for awhile after the discussion, and headed for the flower store on the other side of town. I was hoping to get her some tulips since that was her favourite flower but...
Shugo: excuse me, could I please ask for a Bouquet of purple tulips?
Store attendant: Hang on, let me just check, be back in a minute. *The store attendant started sorting through the flower stands in her garden to see if they had any left. Then she came back*
Store Attendant: I’m sorry, it seems we are out. It seems my brother brought a whole lot of flowers off to sell at the clock tower in the town square, and tulips just happened to be one of the items he took. I am truly sorry for any inconvenience.
Shugo: It’s fine, I’ll just go to town square then, thanks anyways.
I headed off to the clock tower in the town square, hoping they haven’t sold out yet. For some reason in this town, tulips, along with two other flowers seem to be a popular flower. They are often used to confess to their certain someone, and it’s especially popular when Valentine’s Day approaches since Its the so-called day of love.
After a few minutes of walking, I finally get to the town square. I walk over to the person selling the flowers.
Shugo: Hi, I’m looking for some tulips, do you have any left?
Attendant’s brother: Oh, you’re in luck, we have one last bouquet right here.
The Man gives me the last bouquet, and Pay the price of the bouquet.
Suddenly, the Clock tower rings, which catches my attention.
Shugo: Oh crap! It’s already 6:00! *Shugo’s phone rings, and he picks it up as he starts walking towards the direction of the hospital.*
Shugo: Hello?
Sophia: SHUGO! Hurry and get here! Your sister’s condition is getting worse!
Upon hearing those words, I panicked and started sprinting towards the hospital. I could feel people staring at me as I ran with a panicked expression on my face. I ignored them and continued on. I could only hope it’s nothing serious, because i didn’t want to lose another family member again.
Approximately Five minutes of sprinting, I finally reach the hospital. I barged in, furiously throwing the door open and started running towards my sister’s room.
Shugo: *Pants* What...*Pants* happened...?
Sophia: I don’t know... she suddenly woke up and starting moaning in pain!
Jurie: I’m.... sor..ry... I didn’t mean to make you.... worry....
Shugo: It’s alright... Hey, I bought some tulips for you, ill just leave ’em here beside your bed. *Shugo puts the tulips at the bedside table*
Sophia: Hey Doc? What’s her condition...?
Doctor: Hmm... I think it may be better if I were to talk to you two in private.
I didn’t know what to think of those words, I didn’t want to know what to think of those words... I just went to the doctor’s nearby office with Sophia, hoping to hear good news, or at the very least... a glimmer of hope.
Shugo: so, what is her condition?
Doctor: She has an incurable illness...
Sophia: that’s horrible...!
Doctor: I’m not good at sugar coating things, so I’ll be blunt... You’re sister will die tonight.
Shock came upon me and Sophia’s faces. Somehow I can’t say I was surprised by the answer... But at the same time, I felt like crying myself to death... My only family member left was about to die, and I’d be all alone...
Sophia: Are you sure it’s incurable? This just can’t be... there has to be a way to help her!
Doctor: I’m sorry. This is a new strain of virus. She is only the third person to contract this disease and we have yet to find a cure for it.
Shugo: ...this just can’t be.....
Doctor: I’m sorry for your loss Shugo. If there was any way to save her I would do whatever it takes to save your sister, but unfortunately, we don’t.
After the meeting, we went back to the room.
Silence... Neither I nor Sophia had the will to speak. Jurie was already asleep again. “Why?” I thought to myself. “Why is life so god damn unfair to everyone?!”. Those were the only things I could ask myself.
11:10PM, Jurie wakes up and starts talking to us in a soft, and weakened voice.
Jurie: Shu....go....So...phia...
*Shugo and Sophia gets up and stands beside Jurie’s bed*
Shugo: What is it sis?
Jurie:Thanks..... for being..... a good.... bro...ther... *Jurie starts raising her hand shakily and holds Sophia’s arm*
Jurie: Sophia.... Please..... take care.... of my....brother... My Dearest..... brother.......... *Jurie’s grip loosens as the heart moniter indicates the slowing of her heart beat*
Shugo: Sis.... Please don’t die! You’re the only family I have left.... Please... don’t die on me... *tears slowly start seeping from Shugo’s eyes*
Sophia: Shugo...
Sophia tries to console me, but I just ran out of the hospital the same way I came in. I broke out of the hospital, holding back any further tears, and just running wherever my body would take me. Within the span of what seemed to be around 15 minutes, I found myself back at the time square. There were happy couples, and families everywhere. Sitting in benches, or doing some shopping... It didn’t really matter to me though. I couldn’t even feel any pain from running so long anymore. All I thought to myself were the words “I am a curse... people around me will only get killed... just like my family.”
I looked a few meters away from me and found the clock tower’s door open.
Shugo: The sloppy workers forgot to lock it again huh?
At that moment, i realized... I could easily end my life here by falling from atop this tower. Even my own thoughts were going insane. But is it really insane? If I really am a curse, then I guess it would be better to stop living.
I started climbing up the stairs slowly... reviewing the burdens and regret that I had built up that could never be undone. When I really think about it, I’ve caused a lot of pain to everyone, even just school friends or neighbours. It’s not so hard to want to die after just realising how much pain I’ve caused...
I finally reached the top of the clock tower. The view was great, and yet... I never really felt any joy from the view.
Shugo: Well... I guess this is it... *Shugo silently whispers his apology to the air, as he closes his eyes, and jumps.*
I feel something grab me before i fell too far. I opened my eyes and looked at what was grabbing me.
Shugo: Sophia?!
Sophia: Shugo, are you crazy?! How am I supposed to keep your sister’s favour if you die?!
Shugo: Let go! You’ll fall as well and I have no intention of getting back up... Besides, I’ve already caused a lot of pain for everyone. All I can do is cause trouble.
Sophia: You’ve also done good things! Try to remember all those times you helped me when I was bullied, or the times when you helped fix your friend’s game console, or all those times you tried to help everyone out at the school party, the times when you helped the teachers when nobody else bothered to.
Shugo: I don’t wanna hear it anymore... I’m alone in this world now... there’s no point in going on.
Sophia: You’re not alone! You still have me... Even if you tell me to let go, i won’t. Even if my arm starts to rip itself from my body I wont... I cant...
Shugo: why not? I’m just your friend right? Why in the world would you do something like that just for a friend?
Sophia: Because... I Love you! *Tears start welling from Sophia’s eyes as the clock tower rings once again, signalling a new day...*
Sophia: I always have. You’ve always been different from others, you’re kind even though you say otherwise, and you even do good things subconsciously! I loved you since that day you saved me... you helped me make friends, you helped me survive this world... And I’ve always loved you for it... So please... before it’s too late, grab the ledge...
My eyes opened wide from hearing those words. I never thought she would be interested in someone like me... Though that shock in itself cured my self-insanity. I nodded, and pulled myself back up into the top floor of the clock tower. Sophia hugged me shakily, still panicked from what I just did.
Shugo:Hey..... Sophia?
Sophia: yeah...?
Shugo: Thanks for saving me.... and...
Sophia: ...?
Shugo: I love you too *smiles at Sophia*
~END~

[Shadow]

Voters, please read and rank DJ_Desolate's submission on how you feel it ranks in terms of this Pro, Anti, and Neutral Event.

If you feel his piece is 100%-90% Against-V-Day or Anti-Love (anything that makes you think of V-Day or it's emotions to be a negative perspective), then select "Anti-100% 'Zero-0' " (If you feel it is a 1, please say so in your reasoning post).

If you feel it is neither Pro or Anti absolutely, then select, "Neutral-100% 'Five-5' ".

However, if you really feel that his piece is 100%-90% Pro-V-Day, Lovey-dovey and heart warming (anything that makes you think of V-Day or it's emotions to be a super positive perspective), select "Pro-100% 'Ten-10' " (If you feel it is a 9, please say so in your reasoning post).

You may vote in between these. Keep in mind that Ranking Votes between 0-3, will be Anti-Primarily; 4-6 will be Neutral Primarily and 7-10 will be Pro-Primarily. If you feel a submission is irrelevant to VDAY completely, select Option 10 (see grading below).

Each Vote Selections Standing/Meaning:

1. Anti-100% 'Zero-0'
   This particular voting range includes 1, so if you rate it 90% Anti-V-Day, then select this and then state your reasoning in a post.
2. 2 (80%~ Anti)
3. 3 (60%+ Anti/40%– Neutral)
   This is an Anti predominate vote; however, you feel it is clearly more Anti than Neutral.
4. 4 (40%– Anti/60%+ Neutral)
   This is a Neutral predominate vote; however, you feel it is clearly more Neutral than Anti.
5. Neutral-100% 'Five-5'
   Neither Pro nor Anti Valentines Day, but clearly relevant to V-Day.
6. 6 (60%+ Neutral/40%– Pro)
   This is a Neutral predominate vote; however, you feel that it is clearly more Neutral than Pro.
7. 7 (40%– Neutral/60%+ Pro)
   This is a Pro predominate vote; however, you feel that it is clearly more Pro than Neutral.
8. 8 (80%~ Pro)
9. Pro-100% 'Ten-10'
   This particular voting range includes 9, so if you rate it 90% Pro-V-Day, then select this and then state your reasoning in a post.
10. Not relevant to anything 'Valentines Day'
    Select this option if you read the piece and could not find how it had any baring on ideals involving VDay, i.e. romance is not involved, chocolates, roses, colors, emotions or feelings commonly present etc. This also includes a lack of position, i.e. Anti-, Pro-, or Neutral.

Giving Voters a chance to earn while the participants earn awards.
What do I mean by this?
There are awards for the submissions based on voters, which will be handed out based on the average scoring when all voting is said and done. Now, voters who say what they feel is the "true" rating of the poem will determine whether or not the piece follows Anti, Pro, or Neutral. If the piece is voted as a majority ruling of the same ranking the author felt their piece was, all voters who matched the authors personal ranking (this was disclosed to Shadow in PM) will get 1000 credits. Those who vote on every piece will get 500 Credits, but a critique/reasoning must be given for a vote to count. After this, Voters can decide who they feel had the best piece for the entire event. A special award will be given to the 1st, 2nd and 3rd for this "take it all" winning award. (This will follow after all voting has been done on each submission.)

Time Line: A Week from the Voting Thread start or at least 15 Voters.

How vote reasoning posts should look like:

I voted a Rank of 7 because there was a lean towards anti-valentines from the beginning but then traveled slowly to positive lovey-dovey by the end. I didn't choose neutral because it didn't stick to the middle, rather, it jumped from more of an anti-sentiment of loathing to a genuine respect of love and gratitude between characters. There was a family love that played a minor role in this to help it through. In someways, it was almost predictable.

Otherwise, I did have a hard time reading this because of the spacing of lines and spelling. I think it would have been easier to follow along if it had the dialogue separated from the thoughts and descriptions. Over all though, the story was interesting. There's room to improve, but it was interesting none the less.

-For questions, concerns, and suggestions—Please PM §hadow-

[からす猫のデソル]

it was meant to give off a sort of message to always find the good things before declaring that everything is bad. that's what i wanted it to portray anyways...

[Shadow]

Ah, that makes complete sense! Lol. Hadn't thought of that one. XP

Please give a vote and why post. As Under Dogs, you are asked to post in Manga Forge.
@Goldenheart @Scott @Narnia @Mouse. @Banshee56 @Shrugs @Shriya Laxminarayan @NecromanticJester @vampirekitty1089 @Shulk @Avalon~ @siax @BloodRoseAngel @Endrak @AyameTaylor

Other contestants of this event, please vote.
@VaanDiablo @ImmortalJed @ManicZero @craigatron @Fuzzi Kitty @JeeCay? @LunarTic

All assistants of L&W note mentioned prior:
@Séverine @La Muerte @Lobo78

[NecromanticJester]

I only picked neutral because I really don't know much about Valentine's Day. I have never had a Valentine and I don't care much about any special day really, lol. I figured that picking neutral would be good for me, since I don't know much about it, lol.

[Shadow]

@NecromanticJester Its up to you to decide where you believe DJ's piece stands. If it has tons of love or superficial love, it's generally in tune with the "occasion/celebration" of vday. There are also symbolic icons that are only present typically with Valentine's Day. If it's hateful, depressing or clearly negative to the 'positives' of vday, then it would have an anti-vday sentiment.

If you picked neutral its typically for the reason that you felt the piece was balanced between the two and didnt really favor one side over the other but still focused on the day or idea of valentines day. That's not to say you are wrong so much as rather that that's typically what you look for in the pieces and see where you stand with your basic understanding of the pieces relation to the "Special" day. :]

[ImmortalJed]

I voted 6 because i feel it had a pretty pro v day message, it was also quite sad and not really about the overall lovey dovey-ness of Vday IMHO. Quite like the piece, it was an interesting story with a positive message caught up in the sadness.

[Stiletto Kitty]

/reserved for critique comment/how i voted and why

[Banshee56]

I voted neutral... because it's so sad about the sister, but cute about Sophia saving him.

Just wanted to add some critique... It seems abit awkward, I wasn't sure whether it was a script or a story... Really powerful emotions, but it just seemed a little awkwardly written, that's all

[からす猫のデソル]

well, someone reccomended writing like that to me, but i guess i could have Written it like a short novel...

[KimShibbyBob]

I voted 5, not because it's neutral, but I don't feel it has much relevance to valentine's day other than the event happening on valentine's day? But I enjoyed the story overall, it's good to have the happy ending after all of the sorrow Shugo has endured.

[craigatron]

Oh rubbish, I was just coming to vote and the poll is closed.
I really liked this little story it was very sweet. I was going to give it an 8. Aside from the sister which wasn't really a negative valentines day point as such, rather a sad family incident. Getting the flowers for her for valentines day was a pro valentines point and the overall message of the story was a positive one.
Shame it was so short, I maybe wouldn't have dislike shugo so much had I known a little more about him, (the suicide whine at the clock tower put me off).
Really nice work though, I enjoyed reading this.

[からす猫のデソル]

thanks for all the comments about my work^^
I couldnt make it too long since it was supposed to be a short story... guess i coulda expanded a bit on the history of the characters, that was my fault... but yeah, Shugo was supposed to be someone who's just hanging on by a thread before his sister died. That got him off the cliff and into the abyss of despair. He couldnt think rationally anymore until Sophia Opened his eyes for him. sooo yeah, In short, dont try to say everything is bad before looking for the good things.

[craigatron]

Yeah I got that. Was really sweet and positive. I understand the restraint and the idea of the character but without the back ground I felt he seemed a little whiney and self centred at that point. As you say fleshing out would have helped but in the realms of a short story that isn't always possible.
Either way- again- excellent work.

[からす猫のデソル]

thankyou for the critque^^