Pro Vs Anti DJ_Desolate's Submission [MS]-[Vote!]

[Shadow]

Reopened this if anyone wanted to still vote in this. Please do if you have the time. Much appreciated. <3

[Stiletto Kitty]

Had I been thinking, I probably wouldn't have given this a 7. Or whatever I gave it. (I was using a completely different scale and thought 7 meant something else) Since I can't change the past, here's my opinion/critique/whatever.

My vision is so bad bats can see better than me. which is why organization is really important to me. It starts off story like and then becomes script/screen writing. I was a bit. I'm actually not too worried about that though since that wasn't my biggest hang up. My biggest hang up was this:

3 days ago, My parents dies in a car crash... My only family left then was my older sister Jurie. She was sickly so I, Shugo Asura, along with my childhood friend, Sophia Melford whom offered to help, had to take care of her, while taking care of ourselves in the process. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and my sister’s condition seems to be getting worse by the minute... Me and Sophia are getting worried that our worst fears may be confirmed.

I think this may have been an introduction. On the off chance it isn't, I considered this into my critique.
- '3' should be written out.
- 'dies' should be 'died'
- I don't think the ellipsis was necessary. And if it was necessary, I think the words proceeding it lacked the kind of depth or emotion you were going for
- After the ellipsis you introduce a lot of characters. "A lot" being a relative phrase I know, but after the first sentence, it was a bit... character heavy.
- Sentence 2 made sense. Take out 'then'. Add some 'something'. Go with "My only family left was my older sister Jurie. My terminally ill older sister Jurie. The My only older sister, dying of (ailment)"
- I don't think anyone really cares to know why Sophia is helping. (Opinion.)
- Next few sentences grated on my eyes. "I, Shugo Asura, along with my childhood friend Sophia Melford, (blither/nothing) took care of Jurie."
- Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and my sister's condition is getting worse by the minute. (Seems is an opinion or your character's perspective. Is is a fact. Well in this case it's an action that can't be disputed.)
- Why tell us what your worst fears are? Or tell us what your worst fear is.


Now for the story story.
- I was glad when Jurie died.
- Shugo is younger than Jurie. There is no mention of him having a job or a means of supporting himself. But as a reader we have to make the assumption he can and does. When would he have found time to help Sophie with a bully problem? Why would Sophie bring up something so trivial as the time he helped her ith his bully problem? In the face of his older sister dying... it just doesn't compare.
- I watched my Mom's mom help care for my dad when he was really sick last year so I have some understanding of what it is to grow to love someone without ever saying it. (Though for them it was strictly platonic I assure you.) But I think you should've gone into more detail about how awesome a person Shugo was at some point to Sophie such that he'd willingly give up her life to help care for a terminally ill woman she hardly knows.
- That being the case, I guess I can see how can this be perceived as Valentine's themed since it did happen on Valentine's Day. But I figured what the hell and said It was one the most Valentine's Day oriented piece because initially Valentine's Day celebrates the death of a Saint. You've got Death. And you've got love, a modern interpretation of what Valentine's Day is all about.

[PharaohAtem]

I'm kinda stuck on neutral I think. It could be either or right now though I did read it twice and each time it made me want to ball my eyes out basically. He thinks he's cursed for his family has died around him and then his sister is sick and dies as well and he thinks that maybe if he ends his life everything will be okay. He's depressed and scared and angry at the world for taking his family away from him and doesn't even realize he's got a friend who's been with him from the start. In the end he realizes this and even if there is bad things there are good things as well.

[Shadow]

=D

That's one way of looking at it. :] I think I was close with something like that... I think. xD

[Biggan]

I gave this one a 9 since it is a v-day confession story. I dont se it any other way.

[Blooded]

I voted 5 and chose neutral because the even thought the main idea of the story had nothing to do with valentine's day, it could have happened just any day but it still indicated both positive and negative points of it.