[P] A Pair of Commentaries

[Aurelian]

Rat Race

Sometimes I wonder, what use are the years,
Spent striving and toiling, bought with blood, sweat and tears?
Why live to work, and work to live?
Why give so much, you’ve naught left to give?

And there at the end, once your work is done
Your reward, your prize, your victory won -
Is your twilight years, when your youth will be spent
So drawn from toil, you’ll be withered and bent

I don’t know my own answer, or all of its faces
But sometimes I see it, in differing places
In the eyes of a lover, in laughter, in peace
In the settling calm once the workday has ceased

In the soft spring rains, in the winter’s snow
In the whispering autumn winds that blow
In each small triumph, each mountain to climb
In quiet contentment and moments of time

So humour me this, a spell of insanity
And stand as a rock, in a sea of humanity
Let life pass you by, for a day or an hour
And escape from the rat race, the high-rise tower

To savour the moment, wherever the place
To wonder where you find your saving grace
To step back for a second, and laugh at your ‘strife’
To realise, simply, that
This
is
life.



=========

The Ex-Cutter

A pain-guided filigree,
Once a chasm across your future.
Now a gossamer thin tracery
Obviated by will, and suture.

Can you trace these lines into your past,
Without rancour or remorse?
And cut the threads until, at last
This pain has run its course.

[Shadow]

Interesting way to end it. Having chosen not to keep the consistent stanzas that is. :]

I like the flow though question the need or necessity of your punctuation in the ending lines of your first stanza.

Nice meaning, but any particular reason you chose "rat race" and if you could explain that, that would be appreciated. :]

[Aurelian]

Thanks for the critique!

I wasn't sure of the punctuation either. I think I'll just drop it. As for the title, wikipedia has this to say: "A rat race is a term used for an endless, self-defeating or pointless pursuit. It conjures up the image of the futile efforts of a lab rat trying to escape while running around a maze or in a wheel. In an analogy to the modern city, many rats in a single maze expend a lot of effort running around, but ultimately achieve nothing (meaningful) either collectively or individually."

-That's pretty much what I was referring to, we can go about our lives, concerned with the short-term problems or goals that assail us - unaware of what we're achieving in the long term, or what we're working towards.

I don't know what it is that made me draw out the last line like that. It just felt right that way, that it should be emphasised like that.

[Dezi]

I like both poems but I'd have to say the first one is my favourite.
It seems to flow more with and the rhyming is nice and doesn't, from what I can tell, disrupt the flow.

Not sure one the ending of it though, where you split the line into three different ones. It might just be me because I haven't really seen/read a poem that does that before. It is interesting to say the least lol.

Overall really well done ^^

oh and I think the title was really awesome after reading what it was referring to!

[Aurelian]

Thanks Dezi. I may change the formatting of those last 3 lines to just incorporate them into one. I don't quite know what possessed me to write them like that....

[Dezi]

well either way I'm hoping you will post again soon~

[Banshee56]

I like the way you've broken the last sentence of Rat Race, it feel like a world-weary sigh, which is appropriate with the subject lol. It emphasises those words, personally I like Interesting the way you've capitalised the start of every line except for the last three. Not bad, just interesting.

Not sure how the title of the last one links, but I'm guessing it's about an operation or some kind of scar? Nice imagery though, the silver lines, that one actually appeals to me more than Rat Race.

They're both very thought provoking poems, and the thread title made me smile. Commentaries on human nature Keep it up

[Shadow]

Wow. I learned a lot just in all that you explained. Like the others, and as I already feel about your work, you have a writing style I like, and can connect with in different ways. It's been a while since you've posted work, plan on posting more in the future?

[Aurelian]

Not sure how the title of the last one links, but I'm guessing it's about an operation or some kind of scar? Nice imagery though, the silver lines, that one actually appeals to me more than Rat Race.

It was actually written about someone close to me, who used to self harm years ago. She's much happier nowadays but still has flashbacks to things that have happened in the past. The silver lines in question are the faded scars on her arm.

I'd love to post more, hopefully I'll get chance to write more often soon. Work has been kicking my ass lately.

EDIT: To add a short piece on politics and current events along the same lines as the others.

Dollar
Growing up hungry,
it never leaves their eyes,
it takes a million stories
to cover up these lies.

Force-fed capitulation
to the system or the host;
self-annihilation,
forms the starved ghost.

When boundaries are crossed
between human and resource,
outrage is a river
that must run its course.

Winding up to this dead end.
Poverty is a growing trend.

[Banshee56]

I see... My best friend used to self harm so i get what you mean.

Another powerful poem. I like the images you've used it in, and the contrast between their hunger and them being force-fed, nice contrast. Unfortunately it loses a bit of flow on the second stanza, but I like the final rhyming couplets to give it that finality. Good job

[Dezi]

Another nice piece ^^
The last line is probably my favourite. Don't know why, just stuck out the most to me

[Shadow]

There was a few transitions that felt like I got mentally tongue tied. However, I really liked it. So true! I hope you do too by the way.