So I haven't written in a really long time. And this super important friend has inspired me to write again. Telling me "nothing is going to look like it should when you haven't knocked the dust off it first"
So I've been steadily writing more and think it might be okay to show it to you guys now.
This one I just wrote a little while ago. CNC please.
<no title yet>
Oh what a tangled web we weave
When at first try to fairly succeed
Fuck fairly obtaining happiness
I'm done watching your back
I'm gonna walk in front of you
Make you miss what you could've had
Damn you and your snide comments
Your heartless nightly lullabies.
Nothing gained is
Nothing lost is
Never having meet you
Would've been a lot better
Never having loved you
Would've wounded me less
Nothing gained is
Nothing lost is
I'm going to pray for your current happiness
Cause I already know your not fit to keep it
You'll die trying to reach what you lost
And as for me? Well I've just stopped trying.
Nothing gained is
Nothing lost is
We've forgotten what your back looks like
What keeping up with footsteps taken meant
We've left behind despair and hurt feelings
We've forgotten your loving pain.
Last edited by Sumi; 08-17-2011 at 07:00 PM.
Reason: edit title
Thanks to the lovely Velveeta for the amazing userbars <3
Gosh.. It's hard to say what I was thinking. At first I was worried I'd have to critique and be mean but-
I'm actually kidding. I'm almost speechless. At first it was bumpy for me as I started to read this, I guess it's because my mind at first couldn't pick up the flow. The first stanza confused me. For some reason I couldn't pick it up, but after getting passed it, it's brilliant. It clearly seems like a poem that has the potential to be an amazing song. It has that dual quality to it that makes it that amazing to me. I don't really feel like there is anything to fix about it or to critique that is huge. Really. Overall, the poems meaning was very special. I could feel the strength of the narrative and the determination. That signals to me that this is a piece I'd read again and again and never get board of.
:] Well done, really. If I ever figure out what it is that stumped me in that first stanza, I'll let you know. Chances are, it's just my antsy mind. ;]
Edit: Reason! Don't take this badly, it happens and it doesn't mean anything terrible, but the reason there is something in my brain complaining, if that is what you call the fits of my mind, is the second line in the first stanza. It's awkward wording. The structure of it makes it hard to comprehend what is being said. This is either because it might make a reader stop to try and decipher it, or more precisely it breaks the flow that the poem has from there on. If that is the only thing, then this is pretty much the only flawed part of this entire poem and makes it nearly flawless. That's quite a feat in my opinion. :]
AL AWARDS: VOTE NOW! =D | L & W Spam Thread
Originally Posted by Briar Rose
Become a DJ Here
Originally Posted by ImmortalJed
L&W Pre-Radio Discussion & Requests Here
I think it may be the <No Title Yet> thing. It's in bold and right on top of the first line. I caught my eyes drifting up toward it a few times when trying to read that part.
^^" awww thank you guys! I've been trying really hard to sound better then I did before, and don't worry about offending me I'm often times my own worst enemy when I write lol
and again, all this really gives me more confidence to keep going.
That's great. ^^ I figured out the second line. You are using an old saying but by cutting out the 'you' that is known to be a big part of it, adding 'fairly' it just makes the piece like a brain twister. :] Maybe that helps xD
Can't wait to see more Sumi, honestly. :]
Last edited by Shadow; 08-15-2011 at 05:15 PM.
Reason: Typo. xD
Before anything I have sent you a private message regarding your thread and I would appreciate you would take a glance (if you have not already).
Always consider that my comments are merely suggestions that you may disregard if you do not agree. In no way, shape, or form does it affect me, nor will I be offended, if you blatantly shun my recommendations. If you'd like me to go in-depth, I am perfectly agreeable.
The alliteration at the beginning of the poem is wonderful. You've also done a decent job keeping a consistent syllable count (which benefits your pacing).
You and me are not often seen throughout poetry due to difficulty for the reader's ability to relate to your writing. It also comes across as less open to interpretation; it feels as though you have one purpose for penning the words that we have no way of knowing about. In reality, poems where instances of you and me are effectually utilized are few and far between. Furthermore, the words tend to give a neophyte-esque feel when used without that bang. Where's the emphasis? Why do I care? While I'm on the subject of words, the second line of your poem has an omission of a word (I presume?). I had to read it twice to ensure I wasn't missing something. Flow is the most important element of poetry—even more than content itself! Don't worry about meter and rhythm if it means disrupting how it's read (or, actually, do whatever you want, I guess. Prove me wrong).
The refrains are downright silly: the repetition is weak and ineffectual—it would undoubtedly better the piece if the stanzas were removed. The quatrains only add to an angst-ridden atmosphere in the lines.
A couple problems I have with the poem itself is the attitude it presents. The tone is of empowerment and confidence, but, in neutral language, you're (read: the speaker is) coming across as weak and abused. If that's your intent, all the power to you, but—if it's not—it doesn't make me like or care about the poem. Where's the enigma that makes this poem special?
Your enjambment has been weakened by your capitalization of every line. Generally, this is an archaic practice (such as rhyming and putting a comma at the end of every breath).
Last edited by Kori; 08-17-2011 at 02:51 AM.
Reason: Hit submit instead of preview.
I like it!
But yeah... having been in relationships mean I can identify with this.
Good work. keep it up.
-Shadow, that's kinda right in a way lol
-Kori, thanks for so much for the constructive criticism And I shall try to apply it more with my next piece (i'm not one for editing already written things.)
-Azoth, thankies for getting the jest of it lol. ^.^
So I wrote something else again I think you'd call it a poem but I'm not totally sure...more like stuff that just came out while I was writing.
The Runaway Knight
A knight sees through a fake disquese
things that were invisible to the naked eye.
Loves with all he has
and doesn't look back.
Every girl dreams of her knight bright and loving with a beautiful light.
The horror is when you looik around and find what you fell in love with
can no longer be found.
The knight that ranaway left you crying confused in despire.
Does he know you see through him?
For he looks in the mirror and sees not shining armour but rusted tin.
You look through the past into the present and towards the future.
You love what you see, what he can and will be.
Why can't he?
The knight that ranaway, you can't sit around and wait.
Crying doesn't make him come back.
You chase after him
to see him smile, laugh and cry.
You pray for him to know he is a beloved knight
and you are his lady.
he will look back
come back and love you.
He is your knight
don't give up
just because he ranaway.
The Runaway Knight: Noticed a couple spelling errors, because that's the first thing my brain does... Not really a fan of the rhyming thing, but I think because there is differentiation between the length of the lines and the rhyming... it works a bit better than I thought. I really like that it's in present tense as opposed to being chock full of gerunds... That drives me crazy. The standalone question strengthens the piece, I think, because we're not being overwhelmed by it.
I'm wondering if "ranaway" as one word is deliberate or accidental? It's interesting--a lot of poetry and other creative writing is making the language your own. Take a peek at e.e. cummings.
It's not really my cup of tea, but it's fairly representative of love and loss. Good job.
No, it was not your fault but mine,
and it was your heart on the line.
I really fucked it up this time,
didn't I, my dear?
New stuffs, it's been forever lol
Sometimes I think about how life would be
If I had followed my old dreams
thought out a different melody
If I hadn't held a hand of someone I once knew
and thought that safety was something something more
then just a two sylable phrase to make you swoon.
I've broken apart put myself back together
fell to the floor and disolved into heaven
I found that bright light that they say is the end
Something pulled me back said "we have to start again"
And I'm trying so hard to find it again
Something to hold that soul floating away down
A smile, a word, phrase, sound, feeling, smell, frown, something.
But it isn't like before where I had so much to look for
Now I'm truely sitting alone at a foggy place with no name
Wishing that time might just stop so the posion wont set in
Why did I think that this would help stop the pain
When my world got dizzy and I fall to the ground
Soul yelling screaming pleading please pull me back down.
Down to the world where people smile
laughter isn't something that you hear only once in awhile
and I can see eyes that stare back into my painfully reading my soul
with a gentle smile.
I wake up, see no one standing there, the fog as cleared
The bright light looks at me once more beakening
Should I walk side by side waiting for when I can embrace it again
or turn around tread through the mud, dirt, dispair until I reach something
that I lost long ago in a place where friends look at you and wonder why
but never really actually give you the time
Bright light will you protect me?
Keep me from all the hurt pain and missory?
Or bright light will you take me
from all I love, loved and want to keep.
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
View Tag Cloud