untitled (P)

[Devil.]

I sang this in my head as I read it, so I'd say it's lyrics, but it's original purpose was a poem.



A bottomless hole,
piercing the heart of your unsung soul,
spoken of never again,
it lies in wait for the passing men.

It's always been there.
It'll never go away.
It's waiting for you.

Cries within the depths,
they're calling out for the deaths,
of all the lonely fools,
who take for granted their jewels.

The world slips in faster,
each day, the laughter,
I look on and wait,
but its much too late.

It's always been there.
It'll never go away.
It's waiting for you.

It's always been there.
It'll never, ever go away.
It's waiting for you.

It will kill all of you.

[PaRoDu Nite]

The problem really I can see with this poem is the rythm, a lot of the lines are missing a beat which affects the whole poem. I would advise changing words to make sure that it's the same.

That's the only real problem I can that's worth mentioning so well done.

[SkyStørmSpectre]

The feeling I get from this poem is kinda thrown off with the rythym, as PaRoDu Nite said, but looking closely, it might really be on purpose.

Certain places, the rythym is off specifically making it difficult to read maybe.

Cries within the depths,
they're calling out for the deaths,

Here for instance, the second line seems a tad to long. Maybe remove the word 'the'?

Of course, being a fan of the physical shape of a poem, that last "It will kill all of you." made quite an impression on me.

Good work. =)

[thedemonororon]

i can't help but feel that there is some rhyming in here for thesake of rhyming, you know just to make it sound good.... if it doesn't rhyme don't force it. otherwise very good, deep, meaningfull poetry <3