More than a name [N]

[Kitsanth]

This is a story i have been working on and i will be putting more up...its a continuing series with no end in sight yet and i would like general comments please.
plus you can see some of my pther work [which is yet to be added] on deviantart

It was dark, the only light came from the moonlight filtering through the curtains. A door slammed and an old man walked into the small dark room. An argument raged back and forth until the moonlight illuminated a small silver dagger. A cloud went passed in front of the moon plunging the room into darkness and suddenly there was silence as a heavy object hit the floor and a small dark figure jumped from the window and ran off into the night, not once looking back.

A few months later...

Kitsanth Ilsharain, a young girl aged 15, had long black hair with silver streaks. Her eyes were a cold silvery blue and almost never showed emotion. She stood tall in an old second-hand school uniform, for the first time in nearly 5 months she was going to school, back to something normal. "As if this can even be called normal..."She thought to herself. A few weeks ago she had discovered a few things about herself she never knew...and never suspected..."oh well, best to get this over with. Steeling herself for a confrontation she walked into the schoolgrounds.

"Psst...get over here..."
The voice came from the shadows cast by the tall stone walls. Kits walked over and saw a young girl dressed like a goth minus the usual piercings.
"Hey there..." kits walked over and leant agaisnt the wall. "well this is different..." she mused while waiting for a reply.
"I’m to take you directly to the headmaster"
"What? There’s a more direct way than walking?"
"Heh…don’t play stupid with me...my name is Megz."
Stepping a bit closer Kits saw that Megz had long red hair with black streaks as well as prettyful green eyes.
"Nice to meet you..."
Megz stepped closer and grabbed Kits' arms.
"Ok...this might hurt a bit..."
Together the pair disappeared into the shadows.

They reappeared somewhere inside the school. Megz quickly let go of Kits and looked around.
"Aim was off a bit…" Kits glanced at her. "You're one of those shadow slaves aren’t you?" Megs looked back at Kits for a moment. "That’s right...this way." And Kits followed her to the headmaster's study. Well this will be interesting…

[SkyStørmSpectre]

Alrighty. Firstly, it's a bit little to say anything about the content, so I'll go straight to grammar.

Not much wrong with it actually, though, I see a few comma errors, ie
"A door slammed and an old man walked into the small dark room."
There should be a comma after small and before dark.
Also, this sentence :
"She stood tall in an old second-hand school uniform, for the first time in nearly 5 months she was going to school, back to something normal."
Should be :
"She stood tall in an old second-hand school uniform. For the first time in nearly 5 months, she was going to school, back to something normal."

Otherwise,I don't really see anything wrong.
I await more of the story. =)

[PaRoDu Nite]

The only problem i really spotted is the one mentioned above so there isn't much really to say, except that a wide range of vocabulary would make this piece much more sophisticated.

Apart from that well done and keep it coming!

[cre-cre]

Well this will be interesting…

I don't know if that was your line or the character, but either way I must agree with it. It started interesting enough, but it was short. So you must post more.

Your character looks interesting (from what I've read so far), and yeah it has a lot of your attitude. Also I would like to know more about this shadow slaves. =3 Post more Kits.

[Camarae]

Yay! Im a star!!.. you already know i love it. I just thought i'd add an extra vote for more of the story ^^

I wanna know what a shadow slave is, what happened to Kits, and whats about to happen with the headmaster!!

BRING ON THE STORY!!!!

and if i get you permission i may even write it up into a book for you, it would be so kewlies

[Kitsanth]

heh and heres a tinsy bit more

"Well Kits it’s been a while since we've had someone with your abilities enrolled here."
The headmaster was a tall middle aged man known only as "headmaster". No one knew anything about his past or how long he had been at the school.
"Most of our residents are shadow slaves like Megz here."
Turning to Megz he directed his next comment towards her, "Thank you for directing Kits here, now if you would kindly leave there are a few matters which I must distract with Kits here...privately."
Megz walked towards the door and disappeared into the shadows before reaching it.
"Kitsanth Ilsharain, according to our records you have missed a few years or so of school. Now this is not a normal school. All of the students here have other ‘abilities’ outside of what most people consider the norm. As such in addition to ‘normal’ schooling, you will be taught to first control your motions and then any such abilities that you might have.”
Pulling a book out from under a pile of papers on his desk he handed it to Kits. “Most things you need are in that book and I will have someone show you to your dorm in just a moment.”

[PaRoDu Nite]

quite small to comment on so all i'll say is keep it coming!

[ze Jan]

It was dark, the only light came from the moonlight filtering through the curtains. A door slammed and an old man walked into the small dark room. An argument raged back and forth until the moonlight illuminated a small silver dagger. A cloud went passed in front of the moon plunging the room into darkness and suddenly there was silence as a heavy object hit the floor and a small dark figure jumped from the window and ran off into the night, not once looking back.

I think more details could be placed in this short introduction.

Kitsanth Ilsharain, a young girl aged 15, had long black hair with silver streaks.

First, write out one and two word numbers, always in any literary work. Also there are many things wrong with that sentence grammatically. One thing is the “had” there and just the way the sentence is worded in general. You just don’t say it in that manner.

Her eyes were a cold silvery blue and almost never showed emotion.

Comma after “cold.”

"As if this can even be called normal..."She thought to herself. A few weeks ago she had discovered a few things about herself she never knew...and never suspected..."oh well, best to get this over with.

Ellipses use. It’s just too much and its not just in this one area. Maybe just look over how comma’s and ellipses are supposed to be used.

May Steeling herself for a confrontation she walked into the schoolgrounds.

School grounds*

Stepping a bit closer Kits saw that Megz had long red hair with black streaks as well as prettyful green eyes.

One: the “as well as” needs to be redone
Two: “prettyful” just not a very good descriptive word

The whole part with Megz could use a lot more descriptions too.

The headmaster was a tall middle aged man known only as "headmaster".

“tall, middled-aged”- once again look over comma uses

No one knew anything about his past or how long he had been at the school.

Who is “he?” Is it the headmaster and why this piece of information about him?

"Thank you for directing Kits here, now if you would kindly leave there are a few matters which I must distract with Kits here...privately."

Distract?

Anyway, not a bad start, but there are so many elements of a story missing in this short part. You could do so much to it before moving on. More descriptions and more of an exposition.

[Kitsanth]

typos and laziness accounts for most of that

anyways i have been lazy but i promise an update by the end of this week

[Ihde]

Wow, Sailor Eternity. *looks your post up and down* Like I said to ohsi (well, in a way), you're pretty hardcore. =) It's nice to see critics that really explain certain parts of a story as well as a summary of improvements.

Kitsanth, the only two things I'd really like to see you be doing is doing the grammar stuff that you're in need of, as well as expanding. Apparently, a lot of people have problems with stories as they don't expand. Those two general changes will really boost your story and make it much more fun to read. *grins* And, the rest are, as I usually say, your style. Your choice to give your main character, Kits, can't be criticized as it's an artistic preference (I think...?), and I'm saying this to all other critics that pass by this post.

You have good ideas; apparently, no one has used this yet. It's nice, too. Keep writing.

[Kitsanth]

i think i might rewrite the first bits with all the grammar type things and all

anyways story

Taking the book from the headmaster she glanced at the cover. it was completely blank. well they do say never judge a book by its cover
A soft knock echoed through the room. The door slowly swung open.
Standing in the doorway was a rather small, lithe person. She had long redish hair and was dressed in a rather plain, white robe tied at her waist with a silver cord.
The headmaster spoke. "This is Kae, she is going to show you to your room."
Nodding to the headmaster, Kits followed Kae out of the room.
They had gone a little way down the corridor when Kits sensed kae trying to probe her mind.
Without even looking over at her Kits remarked, "Do you mind? Blocking you out is hard."
Kae suddenly stopped and stared at her companion. "How did you know..."
"I know a lot of things."
'I guess you can find your room on your own then, follow this hallway to the end where there is a large spiral staircase. Go right to the top of the stairs and there is a trap door in the roof. It's not hard to find."
"Thanks."
Nodding to Kae, Kits set off to find her room.