[P] Nub ahoy! Now with added [SS]!

[VaanDiablo]

Ok, some ten minute works that have been compiled over two years.... I don't write them often, mainly I think them and when they get good I go to document them and I've forgotten the start.....

-------------
I Think.
-------------

I constantly think,
of ways to win,
in this game of life,
we're all playin'.

Trying to concoct,
A winning play,
So that when i reach the boss,
He won't ruin my day.

The boss i'm on about,
is one we all know.
In books and music,
and on TV shows.

A right old figure,
said to be the father,
Of all stuff in the world,
Like peace, love and martyrs.

Maybe i grouped that,
Just a little bit wrong,
but at least that line,
ain't in any other song.

Now i might be slaggin',
off "the one true god",
but even if he cares,
I don't give a sod.

At the end of the day,
We're all going to pay,
For the sins of our nation,
and then, "grey".


---------------------
'Is name is Andy (keep in mind it's spoke when drunk or whenever this language is used.)
---------------------

'is name is Andy,
'is drink is shandy,
E guz to thu pub,
tuh get liquored up.

It takes 'im a while, Cuz 'e as it mild,
And when 'e car drive, eel be walkin' the mile.

But 'e dow do that, cuz Ees an idle get,
An' if 'e were to, ee'd cause a fret.

Ees a walkin' mount'in,
An' a drinkin' machine,
'fee was a label for sweetcorn,
I bet Eed be green.

'e were to be hit by a car,
the car 'ud get 'urt,
The only bloke to survive to date,
is a pa** called Bert.

----------------------------
Records of a Meeting.
----------------------------

One night you'll find me,
Sitting underneath a tree.

Just staring away,
At a blank little CD.

The cd is empty,
It holds nothing at all.

It's just as blank,
As a white-washed brick wall.

But one day i dream,
To fill this CD,

With something about life,
About you and me.

Because i've been thinking,
That since you appeared.

My life was once pointless,
Then your head did you rear.

And gazed upon me,
With voids of eyes.

And drew me deep in,
Much to my suprise.

You're the first person who's done that,
Taken me in.

And because you did,
I fell on your whim.

To let you sit by me,
And have a nice chat.

And i'll never forget,
What happened after that.

You drew a long breath,
And held it in.

Throughout the silence,
I heard hearts beating.

Once two rythms,
Now turned to one.

Made words inadequate,
The game was on.

My hand fell to yours,
And the rythms became two.

The one that sped up,
Was the one fueled by you.

I heard you breathe,
As you leant in.

And in your eyes,
I could see your grin.

Lips met lips,
and daylight broke.

And with bird song,
Sprang forth hope.

Years went by,
The CD forgot.

Left under the tree,
Where i was besot.

------------------------
Everything To Me.
------------------------

Thoughts can be big,
Thoughts can be small,
Thoughts can mean nothing,
Nothing at all.

If you stick to your thoughts,
And just look and see,
You'll see that your thoughts,
Mean everything to me.


-----------------------
Spyman Fry. (Sing it fast with long-ish breaks at the full stops for the first two lines, that last can be sung any way. short, simple.)
-----------------------

Generalising with the eyes of a spy 'n' i won't stop till i die.
My name is, fry.
And i'm a double zero-super spy.


-----------------------
Fights of a Lyrical Nature. (This was composed on one of the many trips to the darkest recesses of my mind where i openly argue with my self.)
-----------------------

Eating up hearts and spitting 'em out.
That's what love is all about.

No it ain't, that's just you,
Treating men like crap, on your shoe.

Hey this is good, let's keep going.

Well for you that comes natural, from all the ho-ing.

What you on about!?
I ain't no whore.

Coulda fooled me,
Knockin' on ma door.

Stop with the insults,
You're wearing me down.

You told me to go,
So i will you clown.

So i'll tell you to finish,
Before my pride is diminished.

... know anything that ryhmes with diminished that'd fit into a good line?

No. Now shut up, you're pissing me off.

... Good conversation.

-----------------------------------

Thus ends my poor repetoire. Enjoy and be cynical in your posts.

[Troglodyte]

So, at first when I read the first entry I thought the first line was the entire poem. Then I realized there was more >>

For your first one, I really like the theme of it, it's got a nice feel to it. I think it's a pretty powerful piece, but I'd love to see it get some minor revisions.

I really enjoyed your second piece, it's just really creative and something that I really haven't seen before. Though it can be a tad bit hard to read at times, I enjoyed it none the less.

As I'm a little strapped for time right now, I'll try and stop by to review your other pieces later today.

[VaanDiablo]

fine by me, here is one i just this second said out loud to myself so it's only a very short twenty second creation..

------------------------------
Obey.
------------------------------

Thou shalt not forgive.
Thou shalt not forget.
Thou shalt not do anything.
For thou art my pet.

------------------------------
If i could record sound effects, this piece wouldn't sound crap. (Undead Werewolf(Sung opra-ish))
------------------------------

Blargh...
Bloo blee bloo....
Raghrahh~....
Hooblie doo....
Segrahhhh~!
Muchuviah~!
Celavista~!!!!
Boo.

Thus is my life as an undead werewolf.

--------------------------

[Shadow]

LOL> Your Undead Werewolf piece made me laugh.

I suggest a few revisions like Nanaki said, with the ones of your first post. The drunk one sort of stumped me, it was a bit confusing to read near the end. Not sure who's more drunk, the person or the person being observed. XD

The poems are good. Of course, I will admit, they could be better. They seem... to be lacking any true form, or power. Though the first has it's own, a variety of words and vocabulary, even description would help some of the pieces sound more drawing, to pull readers in. Just some food for thought. :]

Creeper

[VaanDiablo]

hm... i haven't read them that deeply to be honest. I just like the fact they rhyme. but sure, i'll add some more zest to them and stuff. XXD
....
I'm attempting to be laid-back and thick about this subject because i was crushed by your words! *runs off to drown himself in his own sea of misery*

XXD

and reading the drunk one i find what you mean...

e.g.

Ees a walkin' mount'in,
An' a drinkin' machine,
'fee was a label for sweetcorn,
I bet Eed be green.

'e were to be hit by a car,
the car 'ud get 'urt,
The only bloke to survive to date,
is a pa** called Bert.

Mainly the sweetcorn and the survive lines right? They are a bit long and i'll revise them but other than that all I can tell you is that the poem is sang off-kilter and with varying speeds, like the speakers making it off the top of their head. (Which I sort of was at the time.XXD)


And yeah, my werewolf one had me giggling all the ay through the creation of it. Trust me, it's funnier to sing it and listen to how other people sing it, hilarious for me anywho. XXD

although, about form and power, I generally just write rhymes not things with that much meaning, other than Obey.-which i found rather fun to read into.

But after hearing that, I will attempt to write things that don't rhyme but instead make people suicidal because they make you believe your life is pointless and that everyone else hates you. XXD No, but it all honesty, i need coaching in that area, because if it doesn't rhyme and it's a poem I tend to find it meaningless... literally, like I can't see the meaning behind the now apparently formless mess of inexplicably miss-used words... get my problem?

[Shadow]

Lol. I do...

It's possible to write meaningful poetry with rhyme. Example. Go to Page 5 of my thread for poetry "Black Rose" and read it. It has depth and rhymes.. XD

But really. Some people are like that. In the end, feel free to PM me. I'm not a professional, but I can be helpful I hope.

Plus whats pa** ? And yeah the others is what i was referring to.

Reading the dictionary helps.. I plan on doing that at some point.

[VaanDiablo]

It's an abbreviation of pakistani, it could be left out but it's meant to be sang by drunkards from england and that's part of the local vocab here... so to keep the ryhme the same i left it in but starred it just incase people took offense to the word.

And don't bother, i got to E in the oxford dictionary, a 1ksomething page one, and the story was shit! Jokes, but i did actually read until E at one point, and it was 1ksomething... i'll need to pick it bck up some time. and thanks for the invite to your thread, if i get on tomorrow after college i'll post on it. ::)

[Shadow]

Oh. Okay XD

You know, I did not know that. I've never heard drunk English men sing << are they any good? :twisted:

I like that smiley <<

Anyways, omg D: You have read more then me XD *depressed* JK... no really though, good for you. I've not read that much... oh! Is the Oxford dictionary one of those dictionaries for the old English speakers? *I.E. not American*? XD

[VaanDiablo]

The oxford dictionary is THE dictionary(ies). The real ones are like twenty to twenty-five normal thickness dictionaries only taller, each book holding one or two letters and the words beginning with said letter. ::) I didn't read those ones. XXD

And expect a couple other poems that rhyme and don't around sevenish when I get back from college... -_- 9 to 5 for a regular day, and it generally isn't normal, making it 9 till 8! Woe is me!

[Shadow]

LOL> XD Well.. If it makes you feel better.. I have college from 9-2:30pm and an Online class I'm already a Week Behind in and need to add to the class, email permission ftw. XD

I'm hoping the textbook I have will do. T.T And so much more... but!!

Good luck, my classes are only Tuesdays and Thursdays.

[VaanDiablo]

It doesn't make me any better unfortunately... here's my stuff so far.

Unit 34: Assessment 4 to be done by three weeks ago.
Unit 24: Assessments 3,5 and 7 to be finished and handed in for completeion two weeks ago.
Units 3,4,5,6,7,12,18,22: just started and need work in by next moth 12th-31st.

Basically you made me worse by saying how easy you have it! XXD

Oh yeah, then there's an English essay in for thursday..... not started....

So here's what i was doing during lesson today! ::):

-----------------------------
Wait and you will be noticed.
-----------------------------

The moon so bright, doesn't stand a chance.
It's beautiful guiding light, dim in the cosmic romance.
Over-powered by Sol, Under-viewed by all.
Not really noticed, until it stands tall.

But every once in a while, the moon and sun meet.
And everyone's awed, by this magnificent feat.
For the moon comes first, and eclipses the sun.
Making hearts burst, while it gains first place in the run.

[Shadow]

Oooooh I really liked the rhythm and Rhyme with this one. And it's beautiful. <3

[FLCL@floydrock]

Awesome little piece their! Good work son *pats head*

[VaanDiablo]

Thank you, thank you~ XXD

The very last line of the second stanza had me stumped for ages! It really took the mic.
And I was aiming for a message along the lines of "You're time will come" and think I portrayed it quite well... Now, if only I could find more inspiration that doesn't sound too cliché'd or typical of me. Because i'm a bit of a romantic and even I get sick of me, so god knows how you lot would fair. XXD

[VaanDiablo]

----------------
Found
----------------

I'm hiding.
Green goggles hide my eyes, a fringe hides my fore.
Red colour tints my cheeks, high funnel-neck hides my jaw.

I'm lost.
In shadows I stand, both litteral and not.
I may just be lost, I may be hiding from sight.

I notice.
While i hide amongst the outskirts, I'm known by none.
You pass through the center, a stranger to no-one.

I'm watching.
Skirting the crowd, shadowed by indifference.
I watch you solemnly, your gait like a dance.

I'm following.
Unbearable interest, set like a stone in my heart.
Would make it painful for me, if we were to part.

I'm discovered.
No longer hidden, or a stranger to humanity.
You notice my following, and i combat my "sanity".

I fail.
Where I'd normally run, I choose to stick around.
I break my own protocol, and by you I am found.

We see.
You look towards me, and my heart skips a beat.
Due to increased urgency, there's a quickening of feet.

We meet.
Feet carry me to you, through the alien crowd.
And I stop just short of you, unbearably proud.

We fall.
Love at first sight, is plainly true.
For you fell for me, and i for you.

We're exposed.
My arms encompass you, yours catch me.
In the center of all, you an i become we.

I'm found.
----------------------------------------

Just a quick little thing I thought up about four minutes before I gave in to my desire to sleep last night.

Critique on everything, because i've noticed a few problems myself, but left it as is because it's pointless erasing the original thought for something that may not fit. XXD