As you may or may not know, it is I, Scafl D. Salazzar. If you do know me, you would know that your mother was a pear tree and your father smelled of vagrants. But enough about me, it's about time I talked about all of YOUR problems, with the help of the stars! I shall continue from where Washu left off, AS I TRPI ON MA LOLARSKATZ1ROFLIEGRA2R11THREFOURCLOSETHEDOR!1111!! LLOZ

Click here to view the Janurary to June horoscopes that Washu covered last month.

The Scafl Worshipper (Jul. 23-Aug.18)

This month, for the seldom few people that may or may not worship yours tuly, The Crystal Stars of Antiguabarbuda IMed me to tell you that you WILL land in a vault full of chocolate, and roflcopters in the sky will drop next-gen systems on your house. Also, if you believe in Santa, he will place a large sum of money...in Burkina Faso. Now, if only you had that money so you could fly a plane there so that you would have that money.


The Chinchilla (Aug. 19-Sept. 12)

The Chaos Emerald of Azerbaijin told his brother to tell his uncle to tell his sister to tell her intern to tell his dad to tell me that idiocy is on the ground. You will have to make a 1st Grade game out of the world if you don't want to become a faceless cartoonist for Parade Magazine. Don't step on the lava!


The Rocky Road (Sept. 13-Oct. 02)

If Bubble Boy happens to be your favorite movie, well, I won't stop you. But Andrew Spelling, George A. Romero, Camui Gackt, and Joe Piscopo will all stalk you. Make sure to leave Recycled Cheetos bags in your path. Celebrities need their munchie fix. Also, there is a 99.9% chance that Uwe Bowl, or however you spell it, will direct a movie that's actually good.

The Flop Star (Oct. 03-Nov. 22)
This just in, it appears that you will gain 70 pounds, grow a bad habit of slamming your head into a wall repeatedly, and get a love letter from every hermophrodite, sumo wrestler, and forgotten celebrity on the planet. That's a lot of love letters! Fortunately, this will only happen for a day.


The Kissing Girls (Nov 23-Dec. 21)

Good news for all the guys out there! Every hot woman in the world will suddenly interact sexually with the same gender in front of you for no charge, and a life-time supply of hand lotion will be thrown in. Because the lesbians love you.

Crappy Holidays! (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)

This month, someone will urinate in your eye as a retarded parakeet with both it's feet cut off squawks in your ear. And, BONUS STAGE! This parakeet will also accidently turn on a stereo with the song "Hollaback Girl" played backwards in all the world's langauges at full blast. But, good news! Santa has come early! Unfortunately, since he ran out of coal, he instead gave you a box full of copies of "Christmas With The Kranks." People who don't celebrate Christmas will be unaffected.

Past Issue Horoscopes.

Washu's November Horoscopes.