Horoscopes with Washu
Your divine almighty Queen of Fate, Destiny and Shiny Things.

Hello all! It is I, that mystical being known as Queen Washu. A true deity of the third senses! I SEE AND KNOW ALL! Using the power of telekinesis, teleportation and telemarketers I will now accurately predict your futures. (Yes that means this is a horoscope page you maroons!) I hope you don’t mind but I’ve made some slight alterations to your starsigns because the old ones like Aires and Pices were just sooooo 20th century.

Now without further ado, let the predictions begin!


The Washu Worshipper (Jan. 21-Feb.18)

This month provides you with good fortune. The stars of New Mexico tell me that Washu Worshippers are twice as likely to fall into a giant barrel of chocolate than any other starsign. Make sure to avoid activities such as stabbing yourself in the heart this month as I sense they may have negative consequences. Your love life is looking up because Washu Worshippers are loved by Washu all the time.


The Wombat (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)

The new moon of Las Vegas informs me that love will be in the air for you this month. Make sure to hold your breath if you don’t want to be infected. There is a 59% chance that you will blink this month. Always remember to wear a hat when it’s raining.


The Ice Cream Sundae (Mar. 21-Apr. 20)

This month proves very popular for you! You will be invited to a birthday party, a bar-mitzfah, a baby shower and a dentist appointment all at the same time! While this may seem like fun, don’t overstress yourself by trying to be everywhere at once. Instead, cut yourself into four equal pieces and distribute appropriately.


The Pink Poodle (Apr. 21-May 21)

THIS MONTH YOU’RE GOING TO DIE HORRIBLY!!!! …Just kidding! But if you do happen to die, please don’t sue. Your luckiest days this week are those that begin with Q. Avoid days that end in Y. You may or may not be called in for jury service this month.


The Kissing Boys (May 22-Jun. 21)

The Kissing Boys dictate that your love life with people of your own sex will rocket up whereas your heterosexual love life will plummet down. Make sure to wear pink feather boas at all times and attend as many gay pride marches as humanly possible. There is an 90% that Washu will stalk you this month.


The Pop Star (Jun. 22-Jul. 22)

Everything will go right for you this month. You will win the lottery and become a international singing sensation. Every fit boy in your local area will fall madly in love with you and all your friends will make a shrine in your honour. Go you!

[To be completed later this week, sorry folks]